Urban Woman goes Galactic

Hello Urban Women,

Since Pluto has made it back into the mainstream consciousness it felt appropriate that I do too. I can't help but connect with my galactic origins by tuning into the hippest planets and their goings on. My absence is excused only by the fact that I have been super busy with my most recent entrepreneurial endeavour!I have been planning a Voluntravel Eat, Pray, Love tour that I designed specifically for for the Urban Women. I took a few lucky gals for a sneak peak. Here is a glimpse into the itinerary of the new and chic way to meet new urban landscapes. Ladies, start saving your bitcoins so you can join the fun!

Day 1 : Eat

I have heard that if you are travelling calories no longer count. This is a comfort when you end up eating a ton of pizzagna (think pizza/lasagna) on the Italian coast of the Jersey Shore. If you find your budget is a little tight after splurging on that new pair of metallic crocs you can eat the pizzagna on your chenille couch while watching Jersey Shore season 1.

Day 2 : Pray

Even when the calories don’t count you might find yourself wondering when muffin tops will make a comeback. My fitbit needed a strap extender after day 1. Day two is spent with the gals praying a GroupOn for a colonic to appear in my inbox. This also took place on my chenille couch.

Day 3: Love

Everyone had the chance to purchase a chunk of the heart shaped area of Pluto and dedicate it to their fave blogger. I probably don’t have to tell you that I now own most of Pluto. Again, the chenille couch provided a great space for everyone to check their smartphones and reflect on why Elizabeth Gilbert seems to be anti-mascara.

And now onto one of the coolest new products the pet market place has to offer! I like to pucker up with an Urban Stallion just as much as the next gal, but this special accessory is designed to provide a jazzier façade for your cat’s regular a-hole. Since I can’t stop coming up with creative ideas I also thought the Twinkle Tush could be used on newborn babies, as a bedazzler for your button fly jeans or as a futuristic belly button plug (sorry outies). Pick up your very own Twinkle Tush and post a pic with the hashtag #urbanwomanblogger. You will be entered to win my sweepstakes/giant novelty cheque. 

Like one of our original Urban Women, Dusty Springfield, says: keep eatin and prayin and lovin.

Until next time,

Urban Woman

Ghosts of Labour Day

Hello Urban Women, 

As Labour Day is fast approaching I thought to myself, how can I be a better supporter of other Urban Women's journalistic talents? You know, the real labourers in our urban society. Being one of the pioneers of creative thinking I hired a very special gal to ghost write (for those of you unfamiliar with the term, think spirit from beyond with a magic pen) an exclusive editorial. Obviously, i am becoming far too busy on my Healthy Nail, Healthy Life seminar tour to be keeping up with my blog. So sit back, light your e-cig, and get jazzed for my guest star: Municipal Mistress!

Municipal Mistress' Guide to an Urban Woman Glam Labour Day

Now that summer is wrapping up, it’s time to start planning your star-studded Labour Day affair. It’s important to note that this holiday does not apply to true Urban Women because it is not a day of rest from labour. When you are basically a luminary, a day off is simply not an option. Perfection is laborious. 

This is my suffragette mantra: If it’s not a day off for the Paparazzo, then it’s not a day off for the Urban Woman.

BBQ Assemblage:

The BBQ assembly line should be ultra-efficient for your star guest list. Insert ketchup, mustard, tahini and relish into medium sized water guns, preferably Super-Soaker 300s for maximum squirt potential. I suggest BBQing indoors, on your bedroom heat register for a hot meaty stench, all weekend long. And ladies, your late-night summer booty calls will thank you! 

Attire: 

One Direction is all the rage in the Europes, and the garb is flossy. I recommend sporting an adorb aprons naked, after ingesting of a bottle of self-tanner. Urban Women should be mega-bronzed while wearing white. This exclusive beauty secret will have that tawny glow rising out of your pores by cocktail hour…you’re welcome! 

But keep in mind - it would be fashion desecration to wear white after Labour Day. Be sure to slip into a dark fur onezie by at least 11:30pm and avoid sacrilege.      

DIY Birdfeeder:

Enjoy a bird entourage all fall long with this eco-friendly DIY project:

- 1 ziplocked baggie

- 1 dead maus

- 4 live worms

- Tang fruit punch

- 1 scoop of Harvest Crunch cereal

- 1 tsp Metamucil

1. Place dead maus on top of live worms, inside ziplocked baggie. Progressive Urban Women will caramelize maus in Metamucil to foster healthy bowel schedules in birds. 

2. Pour pre-mixed Tang fruit punch into ziplocked baggie before dusting Harvest Crunch cereal over entire contents of the mixture.

3. Ziplock baggie, and fasten to tree or tiki torch with gold hooped earrings for best results.

Now kick back, unwind and wait for the friendly bird frenzy to begin!

Until next time, 

Urban Woman & Municipal Mistress

Summer Fadz

Hello Urban Women,

Summer is just around the corner and a few of my top trend spotters around the globe have been alerting me of some of this season's must haves. From the beach to the mini golf course these new looks will get you feeling fab. I've also highlighted a few ways to avoid summer blunders. After all, Urban Women are always prepared.

Swimwear

Ever feel like you wanted to show off your true self? Inside and out? This ultra chic one piece bikini will accomplish all that and more. I usually go to the children's store and buy some felt food cutouts and pin them to the large intestine so people can see how totally healthy my diet is. As you can see this suit is paired perfectly with some chunky army boots.

 

 

For the Urban Man: This one sided sling thong is the perfect blend of comfort and style, allowing men to show off their oh-so-sexy pubis zone! While it may take a little bit of time to groom around the tennis ball area, dudes can feel free to accessorize with a merkin (pubic wig) to peacock their manhood. These fab swimmers come in sizes x-small to xx-large and dare I say all of them are xxx!

 

 

 

Summer Bloopers

Most of you gals can probably relate to that uncomfortable feeling you get in your tummy after a day in the sun and sand, sipping mocktails and flirting with the lifesavers! It can totally poop you out if you know what I mean! These glitzy pills can turn a totally embarrassing explosion into a golden opportunity.

 

 

Sunburns can hurt your skin as well as your ego. Instead of letting the UVAs get your down use your SPF to create a daring diva look that will show off your wild side.  Possibilities are endless with this trendy body art-a simple love heart on the lower back to a full out zebra stripe. Paired with a  kick butt straw cowboy hat and Carly Rae Jepson's new smash hit single, you have a beach bash in the making!



 

 

 

Don't forget to add this timeless tune to your playlist!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lqNXE07fKuw

 

 

Until next time,

 

Urban Woman