Miss Urban Universe

Hello Urban Women,

I have been hearing a lot about beauty pageants on the social media these days and been having some totally mind expanding discussions on my nexopia and myspace pages. Some people seem to believe beauty contests are exploitative and archaic. To those people I say: What suburb are you from??? LOL! :) They also must not be very spiritual people because everyone knows Jesus invented the first pageant (see Christmas Pageant on wikipedia for more info).

Every Urban Woman dreams of being a beauty queen. Being admired for your looks, incredible talent, and general charm is one of the only ways to keep your self-esteem at a healthier than others level. It also really helps jazz up your portfolio (some people use the word resume, but I prefer portfolio because of the glossy pages and full booklet presentation I use to apply for employment). As you can imagine I was a beauty pageant princess myself...I have earned many sashes from beauty pageants that I still have dangling from the door jam to create a mystic curtain/room separater.

• Runner up for Miss Dainty Embryo* (selected from a series of ultrasound pics, in utero)
• Babeliest Babe Baby Contestant* (I was the only 3 month old in the entire pageant who didn't wipe my mascara off or get lipstick on my gums, 3 months circa 2003*)
• Miss Toddler N Tiara* (the whole tv show was basically my idea)
• 3rd Runner Up* Lady Pre-Tween (bee sting breasts in a push up bra along with a Kelly Clarkson lip sync are what won my way to the top!)
• Curvy Cowgirl honourable mention(4H's version of Miss Teen North America with a twang)

And obviously my main accolade is for my nomination to win Miss Urban Universe. When AC Slater was drawing my question out of the giant fish bowl I was totally nervous. Ohhhh, the relief I felt when he read out the perfect question: "If you were crowned Miss Urban Universe how would you use your title to better the Universe?"

Lucky for me I had a hidden mic attached to one of my diamond studded chicken cutlets so I know exactly what I said and I am ready to share it with you all. This is my response verbata:

"Thank you AC Slater, thank you judges, and thank you universe for the honour you have bestowed upon me. First of all, if I were crowned miss Urban Universe I would use my title on my business cards, e-mail signature, and I'd get an engraved brass plate for my mailbox in the Urban Centre of my residence. It would be such an honour to let my supporters know who I am in any Urban setting. For example, if I was at an ATM I would probably autograph my cheque before I inserted it, just so my local bank would have something 'celebrity' to hang on the wall of their branch. Or during the summer months I would probably join the street children who do chalk drawings and teach them how to spell M.I.S.S U.R.B.A.N U.N.I.V.E.R.S.E. across every Urban street, side walk, and parking lot.

Most importantly, I would use my title to advocate that little girls everywhere have access to quality inexpensive 'flippers' to cover their shameful teeth. Having grown up in the pageant world I know how important it is to have a full set of shining white, slightly large teeth. It is the only thing that matters (at this point I get emotional-I also have a chopped onion hidden in my other chicken cutlet to help the tears begin to flow). Because of my sensitive and caring personality I would want every little Urban Girl to be proud of her smile. Each set of Miss Urban Universe Flippers would be dusted with love, glitter, and hope for the future. Thank you."

I followed this epic(some say prolific)response with a live reading and cooking demo of my most popular blog recipes (mocha lickers, yogurt tubers, chicken ceasers etc) and had the contestants from "Lady Pre-Tween" pass out samplers wearing their tube dress minis. The crowd went absolutely wild, along with the judges! I don't think I need to tell you who went on to win the contest...

Until next time,

Miss Urban Universe

*dates and prizes may have been modified to protect the writer

Leap Year Fashion Fun

Hello Urban Women,

It has been a full month since I've written to all of my devoted Urban Women-I blame it on the death of Dame Whitney Houston and the Leap Year. I have been super busy crafting my shrine and writing condolences to Whit's family and fan club...Dionne Warwick asked me personally to do this because I am such a close family friend. The "I will Always Love You" video lip quiver was my idea. It also seems that many people don't realise that an extra day in the year gives fashionistas and style starz like me an entire 24 hours to come up with cool new ideas-or at least track them down. Spring has sprung, and I have so many great trends to share with you!

We've already been through the trend of vajazzling and tooth decals...the next big thing is bedazzled brows. Obvi you are getting the hint that bedazzling will never go out of style, it just changes forms-much like . Once I had a brow dying mishap:I asked my beautician for a natural midnight hue and ended up with salt n pepper brows. Needless to say I now refer to these beddazlers as lifesavers!

These bedazzled brows are timeless and elegant.

The next up and coming craze is hosiery that looks like biology! Imagine learning about blood clots in first person...well, these funky tights sure show us how to get some extra attention. I ordered myself a pair of these bad boys and paired them with my leather bustier and went out on the town. Some of the hottest Urban studs at da club rushed over to me to see if I was ok. I told them I had an unfortunate fall in the alley way while I was looking for my contact. The love and attention I got was greater than 15 minutes of fame. Once they realised the gashes weren't real I told them I was a 'closet cutter' just to keep the attention up. There is nothing Urban Men are attracted to more than a super needy Urban Woman!

Look out titties because butt cleavage is coming your way at a rate faster than the speed of Rhianna's new hit single! Because of my totally creative way of thinking I would consider combining some bedazzled brows as a feature to the sneak-a-peak crack-imagine jewels of the technicolour dream coat flowing upwards from your plumbers fantasy!

In regards to foodie trendz, there are going to be some major break throughs in the culinary arts so prepare your taste buds. I won't give away all of my secrets now, but I will say my test kitchen has been working off the grills. To give you some amuse bouche-think about new and daring combinations (tuna fish and sturgeon), creative uses for age old foods (wonderbread as pie crust), and some cutting edge classics reinvented (vermicelli with rotini).

Keep looking fab ladies!

Until next time,

Urban Woman

Kisses: It's Valentimes Day!

Hello Urban Women,

Valentimes is such a romantic time of year-especially for someone as whimsical as me! I am so in love with love, cupid is basically my conjoined twin. One of my top trendspotters on the west coast discovered the best new Feb 14th flare. Say goodbye to vajazzling and hello to the twat toupee! This is one sure fire way to knock your sexy up a notch with a simple yet elegant garnish for your girlie bits.  Not only do they add an urban flare to your genitals, but they also can hide those home laser hair removal burns, and patchy hair bits from wax jobs gone wrong.

These flirty styles are also created from free range local farm operatives. The Foxy Bikini fur is shaved from a rare exotic pink fox and the Carnivale is made from feathers plucked from endangered song birds. After I got mine installed I wore low riders to let the feathers poke out a bit for extra tantalization.


Carnivale Bikini



Foxy Bikini



NGL* I actually thought of this idea a long time ago, but my design got held up in the patent process. My twat toupee prototype was the tail of a Davy Crockett beaver hat for the main fur-less nether region with optional danglers for both the pits and nips. Talk about beaver fever... All were adhesed with low carbon emitting uhu stick. Don't get me wrong, I am so happy for the company that has struck it rich with this copied idea! Girl power!

Leave it to Beaver: Urban Woman Twat Toupee circa 1992

I hope you all find a super Urban Stallion to giddy up with this Valentimes Day! xoxoxo <3 <3 <3

Until next time,

Urban Woman

*not gonna lie