Job Search

Hello Urban Women,

Many of my readers have been really struggling to find a job since the global economic crisis and impending divorce of TomKat. I truly believe that it is all in how you presentate yourself and the first step is always the C.V. For those of you who don't know C.V. stands for Covert Vernacular. Based on this meaning it is totally legit to jazz your resume up to make yourself sound slightly better than you really are. Instead of telling y'all what to do I thought it would be better to attach a copy of my very own!

Urban Woman

69 Fab Lane

1-800-Bedazzle

urbanwomanblogger.blogspot.com

• Born circa 2000 *do not include your real birthdate. Agism is rampant in Urban Centres
• Blogging since circa 2000

My blog is a creative and innovative guide to style, fashion, and flare. Perfect for Urban readers from sea to shining sea.

Charity Work for the Needy *highlight volunteer experience first, employment is worthless

• Donated a facial wax kit to women with barely-there moustaches
• Threw a party and donated the Malibu Rum bottles to a Spring Break trip for an Urban Sorority
• Chief jello wrestler for Occupy Urban movement
• Glitter glue contemporary tattoos for anyone who stops me on the street

Internships *if you don't have internship experience think of a creative way to embellish your hobbies

• Interned as a shooter gal at The Foxy Nightclub, pro bono
• Masseuse to the Minister of Internal Affairs
• Blogging coach to grade 3 cubscout troop

Employment

• Self employed blogger
• Celebrity appearances at magic shows, comedy caves, nail salons, and lakes within gated communities (earning income + tips)
• KFC June 12, 1979-June 15, 1979: responsible for mixing secret blend of spices
• Declined the job at the Caramilk factory, one secret was enough

Education

• Advanced Bachelorette Degree in Urban Studies
• Completed culinary school via You Tube seminars
• Dog Grooming School (incomplete due to toenail incident)

Bonus Qualities *This is your chance to highlight your more subtle attributes that every employer wants to know but is afraid to ask, this will really set your CV apart!

• Enthusiastic
• 34 DD
• Light Menstrual Flow

Salary Expectations

• I will take nothing less than the glass ceiling

References

• Self: see contact details at top of C.V. * This shows a confident attitude that will ensure any prospectful employer that you are the woman for the job

I hope this helps all of you find a job placement that will energize your chakras and lead you to your final destination. In my case, it is blogging. I live it, breathe it, inspire it, desire it, and jazz it.

 

Until next time,

 

Urban Woman

 

 

 



Pool Party-Urban Style

Hello Urban Women,

Summer has finally arrived and boi oh boi have I loved cruising through the city centre with my bikini top on with my drop top down. Summer is magical-if you want to knock your party planning up a notch this season try hosting one of my fab pool parties. Just follow these simple steps and you will be the star of your block.

Step 1: Stop by your local dolla store and pick up 3-4 inflatable kiddy pools

Step 2: Jazz each one of your pools up to suit a super summer theme-here are some of the ideas I have tried:

• Add some dishwasher soap to create a foam party pool
• Add some food colouring (yellow is my fave) to create a pool that looks just like the planet Sun
• Go to your local fish market and pick up some fresh mussles and lobster to create a tide pool of aquatic life
• Dump a vat of cinnamon into one pool until it creates a film. When your guests get out of the pool not only will they be covered in a gorgeous bronze goddess type tan, but they will also be perfectly spiced for a sassy necking sesh later on!

Step 3: Set up a drink station where people can mix and match their own cocktails. Be sure to include sour puss, kool aid, beef bouillon, arbour mist, and saline solution. Think about using coconut skins to create fancy drinking receptacles and hollowed out golf balls as shooter glasses

Step 4: Consider splurging on a body paint station so your besties who forgot their swimsuits can get decked out in a cake-icing bikini or acrylic paint

Step 5: Invite all your best guy and gal pals

Step 6: Enjoy!

Remember to douse yourself in baby oil to keep that skin looking wet all day long!

Until next time,

Urban Woman

Urbanomics

Hello Urban Women,

I have designed a webinar to help all of you with your financials-you know, the how-to guide on saving and splurging. A large component of being an Urban Woman is living a life of decadence and indulgence, but to quote Biggie Smalls, "Mo Money, Mo Problems". This phrase really captures my pocketbook and after you read my webinar and absorb my centsible advice you will be sure to find yourself rolling coins like no other.

TIP $1-NO TIPPING

One of the sure ways to save on cash money is by cutting down on tipping. Over a period of a few months I stopped giving service industry tips altogether because I found my savings to be 15% of my annual income. Some may call me 'cheap,' but I prefer to think of myself as practicing Urbanomics in the slickest possible way. Fret not ladies-instead of a monetary tip I often provide a fashion or trending tip written on an autographed photo of myself. For example:
keep your nail varnish in the sun to create a chunky 3D effect

TIP $2-SPLURGE

The best way to stop yourself from being unsatisfied with your new budget is to splurge on items you love. Otherwise, you will likely end up buying a number of unneccesary items that add up to a similar price. For example, I spotted some ultra fab espadrilles with light-up soles that were upwards of 45$ so I went for it. Because I passed them by I ended up overdrafting on my Pay Less Shoe credit card trying to fill the espadrille shaped void in my soul. I ended up with a pair of Buzz Light Year pumps, but they just weren't the same.

TIP $3-MONEY MART OR BUST

Money marts or other advance cash pay day loans are a great way to stop those credit card interest payments. Take your pay cheque and waltz into a local money mart and they basically pay you for nothing-and can provide a great op for romantic connections. I can't help but share how I met my latest boy toy who was working behind the money desk. All that cold hard cash in his hands really cranked my wheel and we decided to grab a refreshing low-cal bevy at the service station next door. He was sporting a mean man tank and had a tattoo of Ed Hardy's face on his neck. Suffice to say we couldn't make it work because it turned out he was in total debt (and under age).

I truly hope you find your piggy banks and bath tubs overflowing with prosperity.

Until next time,

Urban Woman