Olym-Picks

Hello Urban Women,

Today's blog is dedicated to the 2014th Olympiad. There has been tons of crazy hype leading up to the games all the way from what Jennifer Lawrence will be wearing on the podium to the latest Putin toppings (did someone say extra gravy?). I have always loved cheering on the buff urban athletes from my neck of the woods because they look great in spandex onesies and they usually know the entire national anthem-unlike the other sports heroes I've crushed on in the past who usually have to hum at least a few bars.

Sochi is the host city of this Feb's games. When I think Russia I think vodka (pronounced wod-ka)! Here is an Olympic cocktail sure to win a gold!

Soooo-Totally-Chi Vodka Cocktail

-Add one ounce vodka to a blender along with a drop or two of sweat from your fave athlete
-blend with snow from the polar ice caps 
-serve in a trophy (I use the mini replica of the Stanley cup I won in my ladies bowling league)
-garnish with a laurel headband
-you can add food colouring to represent a person's personality or their favourite Olympic ring

 



My Olym-Picks

Here are my best guesses for gold this winter!

Johnny Weir

Easily confused with KD Lang, this diva can triple  sow-cow like no other! His love for fine faux furs and the hetero-agenda make him a top gold medal contender. Please note his penny shaped nips which expand while he catches a chill on the ice.

The Jamaican Bobsled Team

Bobsled has always been one of my fave events because of how it titillates me. I mean, who doesn't like watching a fast moving phallus careen down an ice canal? I have high hopes for Jamaica this year because they finally put John Candy on a low carb diet.

 

Quatchi

The search is over Urban Women! The sasquatch was right under our noses this whole time! Hailing from Vancouver, BC, Quatchi is representin' for all the Bigfoots. He will most likely win the medal for creating happy hearts and memories!

 

Olympic Trendz

• Create a jazzy themed necklace by stringing red, yellow, green, blue and black lifesavers onto a piece of (used) dental floss to make an Olympic necklace
• Sport your gym clothes (paired nicely with ugg boots) in public all month to show that you too are an Olympic hopeful
• Have a marijuana cigarette with Michael Phelps
• Exchange all the window coverings in your house with either red or iron curtains

Until next time,
Urban Woman

Yuletide Sacrilege

Hello Urban Women,

This time of the year always gets me thinking about my spiritual femininity as an Urban Woman. While I was busy making macaroni angels as giveaways for my annual Yuletide Bash and singing along to Boney M, I had some time to think. Most recently the miracle of the Virgin Mary (not to be confused with the fab cocktail Bloody Mary) has been on my mind. How did she manage to stay so pure and yet have it all? You know, a husband who wasn't an ass,  but rode an ass, a totally natural manger birth, and a celeb son-all with her hymen intact! People are paying good money for hymen reconstruction these days. It seems like Mary was the original Urban Woman.

I have decided to take a tweet from Mary's twitter account and make my life a little more like hers. Here are some of my ideas that you could DIY.

Fact: Mary followed the stars to get to the manger.

Instead of following the stars I have decided to create my own starlight in my bedroom so I can gaze all night long. This is a simple DIY project.
1. Get out a saw and cut a hole in the ceiling
2. go to the local hardware store (obviously wearing your tightest fitting mini with a tool belt accessory) and pick up a roll of see-through plastic
3. staple plastic around the ceiling hole to stop weather, insects, and an excess of stardust from falling inside

Fact: Mary used hay as an interior decorating accessory.

I have taken my upholstery and pulled all the stuffing out and replaced it with hay.

Fact: Mary has songs written about her.

I am hoping my blog will inspire someone to sing about me. My agent has reported that there is some interest from the likes of Ke$ha, Sheena Easton and Lance Bass! I can just hear it:

Away in an Urban Loft,
No King for a bed,
The petite Urban Woman
has extensions covering her head.

The stars in the ceiling,
Look down every night,
And Little Urban Woman
is so thin, she has no appetite.

 If you aren't as famous as me think about purchasing some little lambs to get noticed on the streets.

Fact: Mary appears in many famous paintings.

I have been taking a lot of selfies lately and instagramming the shit out of them.


Mary Christmas!

Until next time,

Urban Woman

Back to Skool

Hello Urban Women,

First of all a shout out to all the Urban Women who have inspired my return to the blogosphere!

There is nothing more difficult to manage than summer coming to an end and the thought of returning to school  (aka skool if you are one of the new generation). After a few months of perpetual pedis, pool side bbqs, and frosted tips it can be a real bummer to imagine sitting in your desk with a broken stylus, (I still don't know where to find a sharpener) and learning about World War Z.

I can recall a particular incident in my youth when I was ridiculed by the class president for wearing my jazzy new jeans inside out. Apparently I had misunderstood the fashions of hip hop legendz Kris Kross. Being the chic youngster that I was I quickly recovered by explaining that wearing your pants inside out allowed your full pocket exposure thereby mitigating the risk of being accused of carrying around a banana. Instead, I was genuinely happy to see people. You can probably guess that all the kids showed up to school the next day wearing their pants inside out! The pocket pool club was shortly disbanded.

Here are some Urban suggestions to beat the back to skool blues:

1. Go Jurassic

Almost everyone I know is inspired by the majesty of dinosaurs. Why not march that dino flare right into the classroom with one of these funky tale accessories. They can be paired with extra long dino toenails. Some say it's extreme, but I think it would be totally rad to get the tendons in your arms shortened to make your arms seem even more dino-licious!



2. Jazz up Your Skool Supply Kit

Not everyone can take a backpack (or emu feather satchel) full of school supplies to the next level-but with Urban Woman these easy fun supplies are at your fingertips!

Fun with Feathers Pens with Dangler Accessory

Miley Cyrus isn't the only one who knows how to twerk. These fab pens will make your booty shake so hard that you may need to use one of these colourful glitter feathers to replace those that got bounced right off of your nip tassel!

 

 

Creative Buttons will Jazz up your Denim Vest

 

Home made buttons have been on my radar since the 2012 school year. Obviously the ones pictured above have really inspirational messages to help Urban Woman touch the hearts of their peers. If you get your hands on your own button maker try out some of these totally urban messages:

 

-Live Life

-Lollipops are for Suckers

-Urban Mania

-Floss don't Brush

-Netflix has a one month Free TRIAL! Sign up now

 

Steam up Your Love Life



This miniature steamer is a must have for back to school. No one wants to be caught with a dried on ramen noodle in the locker room or worse yet a smear of mayonnaise from your latest deep hair conditioning treatment. Keep this mini steamer in your locker for all sorts of blunders! It also doubles as a mini facial station with the steam it blows off. Charge your gal pals 5$ to stop by and get their skin rejuvenated at recess.

 

I sure hope these great tips will help you all ease back into the Skool year feeling confident and cool. Here is to an A+ this year!

 

Until next time,

 

Urban Woman