Fall Forward: It's Autumn

Hello Urban Women,

I've always been really thankful to Mother Earth and the Goddess Gaia for bringing about the change in seasons. Not only does it allow for a great wardrobe swap and home decorating, but it also brings in various fresh local organic produce with the harvest. Here is my guide to falling hard! This bloggity blog will start with fashion tips. Stay tuned for more on Fall Forward: It's Autumn-home decorating.

Autumn Style: Take this mini quiz to figure out your look!

The best way to describe my footwear:
a) my long toenails poke through the leather after extended wear
b) I only have one pair
c) Stilettos are seasonless
d) My priorities are comfort and function

My go to autumn textures:
a)sleek pleather
b)course and sandy
c)faux fur, imitation fur, and beaver fur
d)chunky wool

The best thing about autumn fashion:
a) layering, layering & layering!
b) pulling out my collection of dickies
c) adding halloween gear to my everday look
d)clogs

My favourite autumn smell:
a) home baked apple pies from McDonalds reheated in the electric grill
b)Harvest-style accessories
c)dubonnet and cognac jello shooters
d) dried berries and cinnamon gum

Autumn Style Guide

If you were mostly A's: SASSY SEPTEMBER
 
You have a timeless sense of autumn chic. Wanting to wear your upscale fashion pieces year round you tend to have flare in an attention grabbing way. Your look will set you apart. Try some of these items this year:


This peek-a-boo gown brings the attention to all of your best assetts. Try rubbing up against a curtain for a sexy layering effect.

Try some bold stilleto nails in animal print. To make the look as genuine as possible adhere some dog/cat hairs to each nail while polish is wet.

If you were mostly B's: EARTHY EVERDAY
B's like to play it safe and stick to the basics of fall fashion while playing up the flirtiness of the season. You may want to try some of the more cutesie fall trends to freshen up your look.

Jazz up your hair by sporting a seasonal wig. This adds a playful edge to your everyday look
Keep your dickies relevant this season by adding a fun fall motif-think about dead leaves, lady bugs or browning grass.

If you were mostly C's: URBAN AUTUMN
These fashionistas know how to stop a crowd in the food court! Keeping ahead of the trend, C's are daringly dramatic kicking their style up a notch with each turn of the moon. Playful and sophisticated are your looks for 2012!

These edgy sandals provide a barenaked appeal for foot lovers while including a rabbit pouch to keep important items or warming up any cold philanges.
Consider incorporating some metallics into your undergarment and fascinator collections. Try some DIY's by gluegunning old ashtrays and beer can tabs together. Eco Chic is the future!

If you were mostly D's: OKWARD OCTOBER
Your style needs a total overhaul so start spending more time on this blog. It can be traumatic to change everything about your look and personality all at once so start easing into trends by exchanging one item at a time. Remember these cardinal rules: nothing cosy, comfortable, or concealing!
Take your fave cable-knit sweater and add some funky tassles with your kitchen scissors. You can also dig the blade into the sweater in random spots to create a more exposed look.
If you're not ready to throw your chunky wool socks away try sporting them with an all-terrain teva heel. the ultimate fashion-meets-function statement.

More to come on fall home decor!

Until next time,

Urban Woman

Photoshoot Trendz

Hello Urban Women,

I have started to notice that a major trend this season is getting professional photo shoots. It might come as a surprise, but I am a major endorser of photo shoots may they be amateur, professional, or selfies. I have been building on my portfolio for years-Tyra Banks basically told me that my pics are too editorial for her show. If you are on a strict budget make sure you have mirrors everywhere you go-they can capture the moment just as good as any instantgram. Here are some totally creative new ideas for your next photoshoot!

WHY JUST BABIES?
These cutesie pics may look familiar. Traditionally photographers have stuck to putting babies in pots, slings, coffee beans and the like. I say be bold and throw yourself into a small container-this will inspire people to look beyond your tough urban exterior into your soft infantile heart.




FRUITY FLARE!
Anything that promotes health is part of the Urban lifestyle, so I say, why not turn it into a photo shoot. With a hint of sensuality you too can impact the eating habits of the next generation. I don't normally like to post piccies of myself, but this is a special one that one of my boy toys took during snack time.

 

JUMP ON IT!

This is the ever gorge Jenny from the block Garner...but I too find that when I straddle the couch I look ultra sexy. These types of impromtu photo shoots can show your glamourous edge while also exposing your casual hangin' out in the loft attitude. Try one at home. Some may like the zebra pantaloonies, but I find them slightly garrish. I would opt for a bedazzled low rider pair of boyfriend undies.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



 



 

Don't forget to post your new pics!

 

Until next time,

 

Urban Woman

 

P.S. For something totally ahead of the trend check out this fab vid on how to give your pet a pawdicure!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w1MgGNCmpnM&feature=player_embedded

Job Search

Hello Urban Women,

Many of my readers have been really struggling to find a job since the global economic crisis and impending divorce of TomKat. I truly believe that it is all in how you presentate yourself and the first step is always the C.V. For those of you who don't know C.V. stands for Covert Vernacular. Based on this meaning it is totally legit to jazz your resume up to make yourself sound slightly better than you really are. Instead of telling y'all what to do I thought it would be better to attach a copy of my very own!

Urban Woman

69 Fab Lane

1-800-Bedazzle

urbanwomanblogger.blogspot.com

• Born circa 2000 *do not include your real birthdate. Agism is rampant in Urban Centres
• Blogging since circa 2000

My blog is a creative and innovative guide to style, fashion, and flare. Perfect for Urban readers from sea to shining sea.

Charity Work for the Needy *highlight volunteer experience first, employment is worthless

• Donated a facial wax kit to women with barely-there moustaches
• Threw a party and donated the Malibu Rum bottles to a Spring Break trip for an Urban Sorority
• Chief jello wrestler for Occupy Urban movement
• Glitter glue contemporary tattoos for anyone who stops me on the street

Internships *if you don't have internship experience think of a creative way to embellish your hobbies

• Interned as a shooter gal at The Foxy Nightclub, pro bono
• Masseuse to the Minister of Internal Affairs
• Blogging coach to grade 3 cubscout troop

Employment

• Self employed blogger
• Celebrity appearances at magic shows, comedy caves, nail salons, and lakes within gated communities (earning income + tips)
• KFC June 12, 1979-June 15, 1979: responsible for mixing secret blend of spices
• Declined the job at the Caramilk factory, one secret was enough

Education

• Advanced Bachelorette Degree in Urban Studies
• Completed culinary school via You Tube seminars
• Dog Grooming School (incomplete due to toenail incident)

Bonus Qualities *This is your chance to highlight your more subtle attributes that every employer wants to know but is afraid to ask, this will really set your CV apart!

• Enthusiastic
• 34 DD
• Light Menstrual Flow

Salary Expectations

• I will take nothing less than the glass ceiling

References

• Self: see contact details at top of C.V. * This shows a confident attitude that will ensure any prospectful employer that you are the woman for the job

I hope this helps all of you find a job placement that will energize your chakras and lead you to your final destination. In my case, it is blogging. I live it, breathe it, inspire it, desire it, and jazz it.

 

Until next time,

 

Urban Woman

 

 

 



Pool Party-Urban Style

Hello Urban Women,

Summer has finally arrived and boi oh boi have I loved cruising through the city centre with my bikini top on with my drop top down. Summer is magical-if you want to knock your party planning up a notch this season try hosting one of my fab pool parties. Just follow these simple steps and you will be the star of your block.

Step 1: Stop by your local dolla store and pick up 3-4 inflatable kiddy pools

Step 2: Jazz each one of your pools up to suit a super summer theme-here are some of the ideas I have tried:

• Add some dishwasher soap to create a foam party pool
• Add some food colouring (yellow is my fave) to create a pool that looks just like the planet Sun
• Go to your local fish market and pick up some fresh mussles and lobster to create a tide pool of aquatic life
• Dump a vat of cinnamon into one pool until it creates a film. When your guests get out of the pool not only will they be covered in a gorgeous bronze goddess type tan, but they will also be perfectly spiced for a sassy necking sesh later on!

Step 3: Set up a drink station where people can mix and match their own cocktails. Be sure to include sour puss, kool aid, beef bouillon, arbour mist, and saline solution. Think about using coconut skins to create fancy drinking receptacles and hollowed out golf balls as shooter glasses

Step 4: Consider splurging on a body paint station so your besties who forgot their swimsuits can get decked out in a cake-icing bikini or acrylic paint

Step 5: Invite all your best guy and gal pals

Step 6: Enjoy!

Remember to douse yourself in baby oil to keep that skin looking wet all day long!

Until next time,

Urban Woman

Urbanomics

Hello Urban Women,

I have designed a webinar to help all of you with your financials-you know, the how-to guide on saving and splurging. A large component of being an Urban Woman is living a life of decadence and indulgence, but to quote Biggie Smalls, "Mo Money, Mo Problems". This phrase really captures my pocketbook and after you read my webinar and absorb my centsible advice you will be sure to find yourself rolling coins like no other.

TIP $1-NO TIPPING

One of the sure ways to save on cash money is by cutting down on tipping. Over a period of a few months I stopped giving service industry tips altogether because I found my savings to be 15% of my annual income. Some may call me 'cheap,' but I prefer to think of myself as practicing Urbanomics in the slickest possible way. Fret not ladies-instead of a monetary tip I often provide a fashion or trending tip written on an autographed photo of myself. For example:
keep your nail varnish in the sun to create a chunky 3D effect

TIP $2-SPLURGE

The best way to stop yourself from being unsatisfied with your new budget is to splurge on items you love. Otherwise, you will likely end up buying a number of unneccesary items that add up to a similar price. For example, I spotted some ultra fab espadrilles with light-up soles that were upwards of 45$ so I went for it. Because I passed them by I ended up overdrafting on my Pay Less Shoe credit card trying to fill the espadrille shaped void in my soul. I ended up with a pair of Buzz Light Year pumps, but they just weren't the same.

TIP $3-MONEY MART OR BUST

Money marts or other advance cash pay day loans are a great way to stop those credit card interest payments. Take your pay cheque and waltz into a local money mart and they basically pay you for nothing-and can provide a great op for romantic connections. I can't help but share how I met my latest boy toy who was working behind the money desk. All that cold hard cash in his hands really cranked my wheel and we decided to grab a refreshing low-cal bevy at the service station next door. He was sporting a mean man tank and had a tattoo of Ed Hardy's face on his neck. Suffice to say we couldn't make it work because it turned out he was in total debt (and under age).

I truly hope you find your piggy banks and bath tubs overflowing with prosperity.

Until next time,

Urban Woman



Miss Urban Universe

Hello Urban Women,

I have been hearing a lot about beauty pageants on the social media these days and been having some totally mind expanding discussions on my nexopia and myspace pages. Some people seem to believe beauty contests are exploitative and archaic. To those people I say: What suburb are you from??? LOL! :) They also must not be very spiritual people because everyone knows Jesus invented the first pageant (see Christmas Pageant on wikipedia for more info).

Every Urban Woman dreams of being a beauty queen. Being admired for your looks, incredible talent, and general charm is one of the only ways to keep your self-esteem at a healthier than others level. It also really helps jazz up your portfolio (some people use the word resume, but I prefer portfolio because of the glossy pages and full booklet presentation I use to apply for employment). As you can imagine I was a beauty pageant princess myself...I have earned many sashes from beauty pageants that I still have dangling from the door jam to create a mystic curtain/room separater.

• Runner up for Miss Dainty Embryo* (selected from a series of ultrasound pics, in utero)
• Babeliest Babe Baby Contestant* (I was the only 3 month old in the entire pageant who didn't wipe my mascara off or get lipstick on my gums, 3 months circa 2003*)
• Miss Toddler N Tiara* (the whole tv show was basically my idea)
• 3rd Runner Up* Lady Pre-Tween (bee sting breasts in a push up bra along with a Kelly Clarkson lip sync are what won my way to the top!)
• Curvy Cowgirl honourable mention(4H's version of Miss Teen North America with a twang)

And obviously my main accolade is for my nomination to win Miss Urban Universe. When AC Slater was drawing my question out of the giant fish bowl I was totally nervous. Ohhhh, the relief I felt when he read out the perfect question: "If you were crowned Miss Urban Universe how would you use your title to better the Universe?"

Lucky for me I had a hidden mic attached to one of my diamond studded chicken cutlets so I know exactly what I said and I am ready to share it with you all. This is my response verbata:

"Thank you AC Slater, thank you judges, and thank you universe for the honour you have bestowed upon me. First of all, if I were crowned miss Urban Universe I would use my title on my business cards, e-mail signature, and I'd get an engraved brass plate for my mailbox in the Urban Centre of my residence. It would be such an honour to let my supporters know who I am in any Urban setting. For example, if I was at an ATM I would probably autograph my cheque before I inserted it, just so my local bank would have something 'celebrity' to hang on the wall of their branch. Or during the summer months I would probably join the street children who do chalk drawings and teach them how to spell M.I.S.S U.R.B.A.N U.N.I.V.E.R.S.E. across every Urban street, side walk, and parking lot.

Most importantly, I would use my title to advocate that little girls everywhere have access to quality inexpensive 'flippers' to cover their shameful teeth. Having grown up in the pageant world I know how important it is to have a full set of shining white, slightly large teeth. It is the only thing that matters (at this point I get emotional-I also have a chopped onion hidden in my other chicken cutlet to help the tears begin to flow). Because of my sensitive and caring personality I would want every little Urban Girl to be proud of her smile. Each set of Miss Urban Universe Flippers would be dusted with love, glitter, and hope for the future. Thank you."

I followed this epic(some say prolific)response with a live reading and cooking demo of my most popular blog recipes (mocha lickers, yogurt tubers, chicken ceasers etc) and had the contestants from "Lady Pre-Tween" pass out samplers wearing their tube dress minis. The crowd went absolutely wild, along with the judges! I don't think I need to tell you who went on to win the contest...

Until next time,

Miss Urban Universe

*dates and prizes may have been modified to protect the writer

Leap Year Fashion Fun

Hello Urban Women,

It has been a full month since I've written to all of my devoted Urban Women-I blame it on the death of Dame Whitney Houston and the Leap Year. I have been super busy crafting my shrine and writing condolences to Whit's family and fan club...Dionne Warwick asked me personally to do this because I am such a close family friend. The "I will Always Love You" video lip quiver was my idea. It also seems that many people don't realise that an extra day in the year gives fashionistas and style starz like me an entire 24 hours to come up with cool new ideas-or at least track them down. Spring has sprung, and I have so many great trends to share with you!

We've already been through the trend of vajazzling and tooth decals...the next big thing is bedazzled brows. Obvi you are getting the hint that bedazzling will never go out of style, it just changes forms-much like . Once I had a brow dying mishap:I asked my beautician for a natural midnight hue and ended up with salt n pepper brows. Needless to say I now refer to these beddazlers as lifesavers!

These bedazzled brows are timeless and elegant.

The next up and coming craze is hosiery that looks like biology! Imagine learning about blood clots in first person...well, these funky tights sure show us how to get some extra attention. I ordered myself a pair of these bad boys and paired them with my leather bustier and went out on the town. Some of the hottest Urban studs at da club rushed over to me to see if I was ok. I told them I had an unfortunate fall in the alley way while I was looking for my contact. The love and attention I got was greater than 15 minutes of fame. Once they realised the gashes weren't real I told them I was a 'closet cutter' just to keep the attention up. There is nothing Urban Men are attracted to more than a super needy Urban Woman!

Look out titties because butt cleavage is coming your way at a rate faster than the speed of Rhianna's new hit single! Because of my totally creative way of thinking I would consider combining some bedazzled brows as a feature to the sneak-a-peak crack-imagine jewels of the technicolour dream coat flowing upwards from your plumbers fantasy!

In regards to foodie trendz, there are going to be some major break throughs in the culinary arts so prepare your taste buds. I won't give away all of my secrets now, but I will say my test kitchen has been working off the grills. To give you some amuse bouche-think about new and daring combinations (tuna fish and sturgeon), creative uses for age old foods (wonderbread as pie crust), and some cutting edge classics reinvented (vermicelli with rotini).

Keep looking fab ladies!

Until next time,

Urban Woman

Kisses: It's Valentimes Day!

Hello Urban Women,

Valentimes is such a romantic time of year-especially for someone as whimsical as me! I am so in love with love, cupid is basically my conjoined twin. One of my top trendspotters on the west coast discovered the best new Feb 14th flare. Say goodbye to vajazzling and hello to the twat toupee! This is one sure fire way to knock your sexy up a notch with a simple yet elegant garnish for your girlie bits.  Not only do they add an urban flare to your genitals, but they also can hide those home laser hair removal burns, and patchy hair bits from wax jobs gone wrong.

These flirty styles are also created from free range local farm operatives. The Foxy Bikini fur is shaved from a rare exotic pink fox and the Carnivale is made from feathers plucked from endangered song birds. After I got mine installed I wore low riders to let the feathers poke out a bit for extra tantalization.


Carnivale Bikini



Foxy Bikini



NGL* I actually thought of this idea a long time ago, but my design got held up in the patent process. My twat toupee prototype was the tail of a Davy Crockett beaver hat for the main fur-less nether region with optional danglers for both the pits and nips. Talk about beaver fever... All were adhesed with low carbon emitting uhu stick. Don't get me wrong, I am so happy for the company that has struck it rich with this copied idea! Girl power!

Leave it to Beaver: Urban Woman Twat Toupee circa 1992

I hope you all find a super Urban Stallion to giddy up with this Valentimes Day! xoxoxo <3 <3 <3

Until next time,

Urban Woman

*not gonna lie

Groundhog Au Jour D'hui

Hello Urban Women,

Due to the outpouring of love and requests to find out from the whore's mouth about what happened today at the groundhog ceremony I thought I would do a quick post to keep my readers happy!

As you've probably heard Mr. Bill Furry did indeed see his shadow which is both good and bad news. Obvi it's good because I don't have to send him to Turkey to get retinal replacements from the human body black market. It's also good because I am so not ready to lay off the 'snow angel' who shovels my sidewalks pro bono. He is a super babe (think Nick Cage meets Dakota Fanning; rough yet delicate, my sort of Urban Man!).

And now for the bad news regarding B. Furry seeing his shadow...he has since sunk into a deep and dark depression because of his self described "bloated shadow." As a result of this he has reduced his food intake to the dust he licks off his own fur. I have created an awareness poster as well as placed a pocket sized mirror in the Groundhog Coop to stop further incidences of R.D.D.*

Stay warm Urban Women. And please remember, you can never look in the mirror often enough.

Until next time,

Urban Woman

*Rodent Dysmorphic Disorder

Groundhog du Jour

Hello Urban Women,

As you probs guessed this post is all about Groundhog Day! This day is really important to me because it helps me decide when I should put my winter tube dresses away and pull out my spring collection (sneak peak-gauze, neons, & bleach stained denims!).

Tbh*, I have a dirty little secret-I am a groundhog breeder. That is why I get so jazzed for Feb deuce. In my spare bedroom I have groundhog coop installed in preparation for Y2K. I figured that if the world ended at least I would have the resources to create a stylish new fur vest and have a fan club to read my blog to. Obviously, 12 years later, I am one of the most well known and respected breeders in the Urban world. I wash my groundhogs' hair with tresemme on a biweekly basis, give them each a V05 Hot Oil treatment per annum, and feed them a diet of tuna snack packs and peeled grapes. The Omegas keep their coats really plush and the organic food keeps them lethargic so they are easier to manage.
Tomorrow you will see one of my fave groundhogs-his name is Bill Furry.

If he sees his shadow I will be so proud because it will mean his eyesight has not been permanently damaged from his stint in the tanning bed. If he doesn't see his shadow then we are in for an early Spring Break (hello Cancun, jello shooters, and bikini bathers). In keeping with pop culture trends I had Bill Furry fitted for a set of vampire teeth. If you can, try to catch a glimpse of me behind the camera man on your local news station. I will be the one with big sunglasses and a hotdog in my hand trying to coax Mr. Furry out of his hole.

Stay tuned for my steamy Valentine's Edition coming soon!

Until Next Time,

Urban Woman

*To be honest

New Year's Revolution

Hello Urban Women,

We made it into the new millenium safe & sound! You go gurls! I can imagine that many of you have been spending time with an avo-oatmeal face mask on sitting in your boudoir thinking about your New Year's Revolutions. I always take this time of year super seriously-it is a great time to look back on your accomplishments and feel your self esteem kick up a notch. It is also a great time to think about what is yet to come and how you want to be part of it. For this reason I think of every new year as a revolution-to be more specific, an urban revolution.

I would usually provide a live stream of my revolution session, unfortunately I spilled non fat soya matcha latte with extra whipping cream on my webcam, so I'll just have to tell you about it.

Achievements

(think of Urban Woman with a canvas and some neon highlighters brainstorming. This canvas will ultimately be auctioned off for my favourite personal cause- profit)

• got asked for I.D. at the liquor barn 4 times in 2011
• had at least 2 offers to create an Urban Woman Recipe Book (I turned these offers down because the publisher wanted to take a different creative direction that undermined my culinary spark)
• went from square nails, to pointy nails, to stilleto nails, and successfully back to acrylic extenders
• my blog was critically acclaimed with over 1 person who signed up as a follower
• I am the main hub on facebook, tweet###, and myspace for Urban advice
• lost .75lbs in water weight by spitting into a cup for an entire morning
• lived, loved, laughed, created, coaxed, cumin, examined, wrote, dreamed, imagined, journey, adventured, celebrated, became a star, danced like everyone was watching (especially you big brother :)), cooked, mingled, marvelled, sabotage, isotope, urbanization, etc.......

Revolution

(This process is more creatively introspective, I usually put on painter's garb and a tam for the visioning phase, I also survive on a diet of ritz crackers and low grade sparkling grape juice)

• Take the drive-through world by storm by having exact change
• target the tween demographic for blog subscription
• change lives one day at a time
• start wearing more stylized che guevera gear, turn that drabby old t-shirt into a slutty sophmore costume
• exchange margarine for butter and cool whip for jello pudding at every turn
• get more Urban Men contact deets for my little black berry
• memorize the lyrics to the new Nickleback album
• Expand the use of emoticons to mainstream urban culture

:) smilez

;) winkz

:0 OMG

}:( time for botox-check out those furrowed brows!

('')--  tadpole

Hopefully my creative process will inspire yours-remember Urban Women, when you are this fab you have no excuses to not be fighting for the Urban Revolution: Aunt Urby Wants You! (totally love this sporty tee for 2012)



Until next time,

Urban Woman