Urban Woman goes Galactic

Hello Urban Women,

Since Pluto has made it back into the mainstream consciousness it felt appropriate that I do too. I can't help but connect with my galactic origins by tuning into the hippest planets and their goings on. My absence is excused only by the fact that I have been super busy with my most recent entrepreneurial endeavour!I have been planning a Voluntravel Eat, Pray, Love tour that I designed specifically for for the Urban Women. I took a few lucky gals for a sneak peak. Here is a glimpse into the itinerary of the new and chic way to meet new urban landscapes. Ladies, start saving your bitcoins so you can join the fun!

Day 1 : Eat

I have heard that if you are travelling calories no longer count. This is a comfort when you end up eating a ton of pizzagna (think pizza/lasagna) on the Italian coast of the Jersey Shore. If you find your budget is a little tight after splurging on that new pair of metallic crocs you can eat the pizzagna on your chenille couch while watching Jersey Shore season 1.

Day 2 : Pray

Even when the calories don’t count you might find yourself wondering when muffin tops will make a comeback. My fitbit needed a strap extender after day 1. Day two is spent with the gals praying a GroupOn for a colonic to appear in my inbox. This also took place on my chenille couch.

Day 3: Love

Everyone had the chance to purchase a chunk of the heart shaped area of Pluto and dedicate it to their fave blogger. I probably don’t have to tell you that I now own most of Pluto. Again, the chenille couch provided a great space for everyone to check their smartphones and reflect on why Elizabeth Gilbert seems to be anti-mascara.

And now onto one of the coolest new products the pet market place has to offer! I like to pucker up with an Urban Stallion just as much as the next gal, but this special accessory is designed to provide a jazzier façade for your cat’s regular a-hole. Since I can’t stop coming up with creative ideas I also thought the Twinkle Tush could be used on newborn babies, as a bedazzler for your button fly jeans or as a futuristic belly button plug (sorry outies). Pick up your very own Twinkle Tush and post a pic with the hashtag #urbanwomanblogger. You will be entered to win my sweepstakes/giant novelty cheque. 

Like one of our original Urban Women, Dusty Springfield, says: keep eatin and prayin and lovin.

Until next time,

Urban Woman

Ghosts of Labour Day

Hello Urban Women, 

As Labour Day is fast approaching I thought to myself, how can I be a better supporter of other Urban Women's journalistic talents? You know, the real labourers in our urban society. Being one of the pioneers of creative thinking I hired a very special gal to ghost write (for those of you unfamiliar with the term, think spirit from beyond with a magic pen) an exclusive editorial. Obviously, i am becoming far too busy on my Healthy Nail, Healthy Life seminar tour to be keeping up with my blog. So sit back, light your e-cig, and get jazzed for my guest star: Municipal Mistress!

Municipal Mistress' Guide to an Urban Woman Glam Labour Day

Now that summer is wrapping up, it’s time to start planning your star-studded Labour Day affair. It’s important to note that this holiday does not apply to true Urban Women because it is not a day of rest from labour. When you are basically a luminary, a day off is simply not an option. Perfection is laborious. 

This is my suffragette mantra: If it’s not a day off for the Paparazzo, then it’s not a day off for the Urban Woman.

BBQ Assemblage:

The BBQ assembly line should be ultra-efficient for your star guest list. Insert ketchup, mustard, tahini and relish into medium sized water guns, preferably Super-Soaker 300s for maximum squirt potential. I suggest BBQing indoors, on your bedroom heat register for a hot meaty stench, all weekend long. And ladies, your late-night summer booty calls will thank you! 

Attire: 

One Direction is all the rage in the Europes, and the garb is flossy. I recommend sporting an adorb aprons naked, after ingesting of a bottle of self-tanner. Urban Women should be mega-bronzed while wearing white. This exclusive beauty secret will have that tawny glow rising out of your pores by cocktail hour…you’re welcome! 

But keep in mind - it would be fashion desecration to wear white after Labour Day. Be sure to slip into a dark fur onezie by at least 11:30pm and avoid sacrilege.      

DIY Birdfeeder:

Enjoy a bird entourage all fall long with this eco-friendly DIY project:

- 1 ziplocked baggie

- 1 dead maus

- 4 live worms

- Tang fruit punch

- 1 scoop of Harvest Crunch cereal

- 1 tsp Metamucil

1. Place dead maus on top of live worms, inside ziplocked baggie. Progressive Urban Women will caramelize maus in Metamucil to foster healthy bowel schedules in birds. 

2. Pour pre-mixed Tang fruit punch into ziplocked baggie before dusting Harvest Crunch cereal over entire contents of the mixture.

3. Ziplock baggie, and fasten to tree or tiki torch with gold hooped earrings for best results.

Now kick back, unwind and wait for the friendly bird frenzy to begin!

Until next time, 

Urban Woman & Municipal Mistress

Summer Fadz

Hello Urban Women,

Summer is just around the corner and a few of my top trend spotters around the globe have been alerting me of some of this season's must haves. From the beach to the mini golf course these new looks will get you feeling fab. I've also highlighted a few ways to avoid summer blunders. After all, Urban Women are always prepared.

Swimwear

Ever feel like you wanted to show off your true self? Inside and out? This ultra chic one piece bikini will accomplish all that and more. I usually go to the children's store and buy some felt food cutouts and pin them to the large intestine so people can see how totally healthy my diet is. As you can see this suit is paired perfectly with some chunky army boots.

 

 

For the Urban Man: This one sided sling thong is the perfect blend of comfort and style, allowing men to show off their oh-so-sexy pubis zone! While it may take a little bit of time to groom around the tennis ball area, dudes can feel free to accessorize with a merkin (pubic wig) to peacock their manhood. These fab swimmers come in sizes x-small to xx-large and dare I say all of them are xxx!

 

 

 

Summer Bloopers

Most of you gals can probably relate to that uncomfortable feeling you get in your tummy after a day in the sun and sand, sipping mocktails and flirting with the lifesavers! It can totally poop you out if you know what I mean! These glitzy pills can turn a totally embarrassing explosion into a golden opportunity.

 

 

Sunburns can hurt your skin as well as your ego. Instead of letting the UVAs get your down use your SPF to create a daring diva look that will show off your wild side.  Possibilities are endless with this trendy body art-a simple love heart on the lower back to a full out zebra stripe. Paired with a  kick butt straw cowboy hat and Carly Rae Jepson's new smash hit single, you have a beach bash in the making!



 

 

 

Don't forget to add this timeless tune to your playlist!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lqNXE07fKuw

 

 

Until next time,

 

Urban Woman

DIY-Urban

Hello Urban Women,

Spring is in the air and DIYs are all over the cloud. Kim and Kanye are hosting a DIY wedding planned entirely by professionals, Lady Gaga has created a new line of DIY cellophane contact lenses, and Mother Earth is sprouting her very own DIY grass. We all know the austerity measures in Europe and abroad can lead to penny pinching and unbalanced budgets. This is why DIYS are the new way to spruce up your life on a shoestring.

I thought I would take some time to share some of my very favourite Urban style Do It Yourself projects to give a fresh touch to your life!

DIY Blog

Many say blogging is the original DIY. I agree, because I have been blogging for so long and I basically started the DIY movement. I know I've encouraged many of you struggling urban women to start your own blogs to get support for some of your everyday struggles. For example, if you have ever felt like no one cared about you, blogging is one sure way to prove to yourself that everyone wants to read about every meaningless thought you've ever had. Here is an easy how-to!

-Dig out any old/current diaries/journals/medical records
-Type them out
-Post on the web
-Add some funky graphics (side boob is really impressive these days)

DIY Breakfast in Bed

Breakfast in bed is usually best enjoyed after a cray night out at the hottest new tequila bar, so I prefer to do all the prep work ahead of time so that my when I wake up to smell the coffee I need not do anything other than roll over to enjoy a luxurious meal in my Disney princess bedsheets!

Night before Prep
-Place a nespresso pod in your camelbak aquifer, add water.
-Place under pillow to keep warm

-Throw an egg in the microwave for 45 seconds on defrost (this will stop the shell from drying out.)
-Place egg on stylish tray fashioned from a pallet (pallets are all the rage in the DIY community)
-Place loaf of bread on radiator to toast overnight

 

DIY Fragrance

DIY perfumes are one of the smelling industries biggest secrets. Brittney Spears, Justin Beiber, and Axe Body Spray don't want you to know just how simple and cost effective it can be to design your very own customized fragrance. Follow these easy steps to increase your scent profile!

1. Go to local store and pick up a bottle of Febreeze "New Car Scent"
2. Find your closest greenhouse and collect the flowers that have fallen off the plants in a non-transparent bag (pleather is my fave)
3. Muddle the flowers in the Febreeze
4. This is the fun part! Add any of the following ingredients to customize your scent

Eau de Toilette- this one speaks for itself! I prefer to use water that is fresh after flushing
Musk-add a dash of dog hair
Jasmine-decorate your diffuser with this Disney Princess's voluptuous figure
Woody-Throw some toothpicks into the blender to add some texture and grit to your fragrance
Sexy Devil- Use sulphur from your nearest hotspring to bring out your naughty side
Love Potion-Add 69 mls of pheromones (easily collected from the dead skin found in armpits or saliva glands)

Use a turkey baster to apply your new fragrance to all of your sexiest pulse points. Traditionally these have been your neck, behind your knees and in your cleavage. Since I consider myself to me a modern woman, I prefer to baste my entire body in the perfume to ensure that no one can leave my luxurious smell behind!


If I can do it, you can DIY too!

Until next time,

Urban Woman

Urban Woman FAQs

Hello Urban Women,

Lately I've noticed that the majority of my time is spent responding to my fan mail. I'm hoping that by blogging some of your top Qs I will have more time to dedicate to some of my other ventures, like my new slimming beauty hosiery line for children. This should serve as a quick guide to everything you need to know about me and my Urban Lifestyle.

Q: Urban Woman, why are you so pretty?
A: Well ladies, let's just say my look is the perfect fusion of genes, jeans, and nip tuck. 

Q: How did you get your start in the blogosphere?
A: Since I was a baby I loved fashion, entertaining and living life to the fullest. My mom tells a super cute story about me that I just have to share!
When I was two years old I was like, "Mom, can you drop me off at the strip mall?"
And she was like, "No way, you're credit card is maxed".
And I was like, "But mom, there is a mega blow out at the Tommy Hilfinger outlet store... Puh leeeese".
So my mom dropped me off and I bought a faux fur vest on layaway.

Q: Who are your role models Urban Woman?
A: Obviously I don't have the time to name every person who has had a major influence on my life, but here are some of my top picks! 
Donna Joe Tanner
Bella Swan
Tiffany Amber Thiessen
Chris Gaines
 
Q: When you order a sub do you get regular mayo or low fat?
A: I usually bring my own special sauce that is the perfect combo of sweet and savoury.

Urban Woman's Special Sub Sauce
1 part apple juice
1 part Heinz bean gravy
1/2 part MSG
Shake well and enjoy

 Q: What advice would you give to to someone who wants to be less rural and more urban (and also struggles with Rosacea)?

A: First of all what a great question. This can be a really tough transition but I admire you for taking the first steps. It can be a shocker to go from rural to urban in one fell swoop. I recommend you take a couple of jaunts into the big city to slowly get a feel for the urban vibe. Make sure to pack your stilettos and some extra cover up (for the rosacea). Consider hitting up some of the hottest clubs during the day to plan out which speaker you may want to dance on when you decide to venture out for a night on the town. Another fun idea is to take a taxi to your fave fast food hotspot so you get a sense of having your own driver. And remember-non stop selfies so you can scrapbook your rise to urbandom.
 
Q: How do you achieve balance in your ultra busy uber urban life?
A: When I go to the gym I really focus on my core strength. Not only does this lead to the ultra bikini bod, but it also helps me stay upright when wearing my highest heels in an ice storm.
  Keep those questions coming ladies!

Until next time,
Urban Woman

Olym-Picks

Hello Urban Women,

Today's blog is dedicated to the 2014th Olympiad. There has been tons of crazy hype leading up to the games all the way from what Jennifer Lawrence will be wearing on the podium to the latest Putin toppings (did someone say extra gravy?). I have always loved cheering on the buff urban athletes from my neck of the woods because they look great in spandex onesies and they usually know the entire national anthem-unlike the other sports heroes I've crushed on in the past who usually have to hum at least a few bars.

Sochi is the host city of this Feb's games. When I think Russia I think vodka (pronounced wod-ka)! Here is an Olympic cocktail sure to win a gold!

Soooo-Totally-Chi Vodka Cocktail

-Add one ounce vodka to a blender along with a drop or two of sweat from your fave athlete
-blend with snow from the polar ice caps 
-serve in a trophy (I use the mini replica of the Stanley cup I won in my ladies bowling league)
-garnish with a laurel headband
-you can add food colouring to represent a person's personality or their favourite Olympic ring

 



My Olym-Picks

Here are my best guesses for gold this winter!

Johnny Weir

Easily confused with KD Lang, this diva can triple  sow-cow like no other! His love for fine faux furs and the hetero-agenda make him a top gold medal contender. Please note his penny shaped nips which expand while he catches a chill on the ice.

The Jamaican Bobsled Team

Bobsled has always been one of my fave events because of how it titillates me. I mean, who doesn't like watching a fast moving phallus careen down an ice canal? I have high hopes for Jamaica this year because they finally put John Candy on a low carb diet.

 

Quatchi

The search is over Urban Women! The sasquatch was right under our noses this whole time! Hailing from Vancouver, BC, Quatchi is representin' for all the Bigfoots. He will most likely win the medal for creating happy hearts and memories!

 

Olympic Trendz

• Create a jazzy themed necklace by stringing red, yellow, green, blue and black lifesavers onto a piece of (used) dental floss to make an Olympic necklace
• Sport your gym clothes (paired nicely with ugg boots) in public all month to show that you too are an Olympic hopeful
• Have a marijuana cigarette with Michael Phelps
• Exchange all the window coverings in your house with either red or iron curtains

Until next time,
Urban Woman

Yuletide Sacrilege

Hello Urban Women,

This time of the year always gets me thinking about my spiritual femininity as an Urban Woman. While I was busy making macaroni angels as giveaways for my annual Yuletide Bash and singing along to Boney M, I had some time to think. Most recently the miracle of the Virgin Mary (not to be confused with the fab cocktail Bloody Mary) has been on my mind. How did she manage to stay so pure and yet have it all? You know, a husband who wasn't an ass,  but rode an ass, a totally natural manger birth, and a celeb son-all with her hymen intact! People are paying good money for hymen reconstruction these days. It seems like Mary was the original Urban Woman.

I have decided to take a tweet from Mary's twitter account and make my life a little more like hers. Here are some of my ideas that you could DIY.

Fact: Mary followed the stars to get to the manger.

Instead of following the stars I have decided to create my own starlight in my bedroom so I can gaze all night long. This is a simple DIY project.
1. Get out a saw and cut a hole in the ceiling
2. go to the local hardware store (obviously wearing your tightest fitting mini with a tool belt accessory) and pick up a roll of see-through plastic
3. staple plastic around the ceiling hole to stop weather, insects, and an excess of stardust from falling inside

Fact: Mary used hay as an interior decorating accessory.

I have taken my upholstery and pulled all the stuffing out and replaced it with hay.

Fact: Mary has songs written about her.

I am hoping my blog will inspire someone to sing about me. My agent has reported that there is some interest from the likes of Ke$ha, Sheena Easton and Lance Bass! I can just hear it:

Away in an Urban Loft,
No King for a bed,
The petite Urban Woman
has extensions covering her head.

The stars in the ceiling,
Look down every night,
And Little Urban Woman
is so thin, she has no appetite.

 If you aren't as famous as me think about purchasing some little lambs to get noticed on the streets.

Fact: Mary appears in many famous paintings.

I have been taking a lot of selfies lately and instagramming the shit out of them.


Mary Christmas!

Until next time,

Urban Woman

Back to Skool

Hello Urban Women,

First of all a shout out to all the Urban Women who have inspired my return to the blogosphere!

There is nothing more difficult to manage than summer coming to an end and the thought of returning to school  (aka skool if you are one of the new generation). After a few months of perpetual pedis, pool side bbqs, and frosted tips it can be a real bummer to imagine sitting in your desk with a broken stylus, (I still don't know where to find a sharpener) and learning about World War Z.

I can recall a particular incident in my youth when I was ridiculed by the class president for wearing my jazzy new jeans inside out. Apparently I had misunderstood the fashions of hip hop legendz Kris Kross. Being the chic youngster that I was I quickly recovered by explaining that wearing your pants inside out allowed your full pocket exposure thereby mitigating the risk of being accused of carrying around a banana. Instead, I was genuinely happy to see people. You can probably guess that all the kids showed up to school the next day wearing their pants inside out! The pocket pool club was shortly disbanded.

Here are some Urban suggestions to beat the back to skool blues:

1. Go Jurassic

Almost everyone I know is inspired by the majesty of dinosaurs. Why not march that dino flare right into the classroom with one of these funky tale accessories. They can be paired with extra long dino toenails. Some say it's extreme, but I think it would be totally rad to get the tendons in your arms shortened to make your arms seem even more dino-licious!



2. Jazz up Your Skool Supply Kit

Not everyone can take a backpack (or emu feather satchel) full of school supplies to the next level-but with Urban Woman these easy fun supplies are at your fingertips!

Fun with Feathers Pens with Dangler Accessory

Miley Cyrus isn't the only one who knows how to twerk. These fab pens will make your booty shake so hard that you may need to use one of these colourful glitter feathers to replace those that got bounced right off of your nip tassel!

 

 

Creative Buttons will Jazz up your Denim Vest

 

Home made buttons have been on my radar since the 2012 school year. Obviously the ones pictured above have really inspirational messages to help Urban Woman touch the hearts of their peers. If you get your hands on your own button maker try out some of these totally urban messages:

 

-Live Life

-Lollipops are for Suckers

-Urban Mania

-Floss don't Brush

-Netflix has a one month Free TRIAL! Sign up now

 

Steam up Your Love Life



This miniature steamer is a must have for back to school. No one wants to be caught with a dried on ramen noodle in the locker room or worse yet a smear of mayonnaise from your latest deep hair conditioning treatment. Keep this mini steamer in your locker for all sorts of blunders! It also doubles as a mini facial station with the steam it blows off. Charge your gal pals 5$ to stop by and get their skin rejuvenated at recess.

 

I sure hope these great tips will help you all ease back into the Skool year feeling confident and cool. Here is to an A+ this year!

 

Until next time,

 

Urban Woman

Confessions from the April Fool

Hello Urban Women,

 Spring often brings about flirty, fresh, and funky attitudes in Urban dwelling women.  However, the first day of April may be met with some hesitation because no one wants to be caught actin' a fool. That is why I thought it would be fun to share some of the freakiest confessions I have received from my fans relating to April Fool's Day. These stories should get you giggling with your girl pals over a cal-free mojito* (see below for recipe) and reminding you that whatever bad luck you have recently had, its not that bad!

Beach Bummer

I had a totally mortifying moment last April Fools Day that I just cannot live down!  Last April I had planned a romantic getaway at the beach with my boy toy. Since our relationship had been on the rocks, I thought I better do something totally crazy to grab my guys attention and show him how much I care. I planned a sexy beach candle lit dinner and planned to wear nothing but a sand bikini. I had purchased some special epoxy glue at the hardware store, applied it to my bikini zones and rolled in the sand to cover my lady bits. When my boyfriend came down to the beach for dinner he barely even noticed my outfit. I stood up and reached over the table to serve him some steaming hot minute rice and the sand drizzled all over his plate. He complained throughout the whole meal that his rice was gritty! When he finally noticed my sexy bikini he said: "Ariel has always been my least favourite Disney Princess". Boy oh boy do I ever wish I would have stuck with my original plan to wear a coat made of dalmatian fur.

-Brandie B

Doggy Daycare

 

My roommate's little brother was coming over to dog sit while my roommate went away for spring break. I have always had a crush on him and have been too shy to tell my roommate. I thought having some alone time would be a perfect way to get to know each other and maybe even fool around! The first night he came over to feed the dog I was waiting by the door wearing my brown flannelette pyjamas and the dog's collar. I thought it would be playful and cute to pretend to be a naughty dog that he needed to take for a walk. I waited on all fours by the door and when he arrived he gave me a really weird look. I got nervous and peed through my flannelettes. He slipped on the pee and dislocated his jaw. Talk about a doggy disaster!

-Cloris L.

Gas Leak

 

My steady Urban Stallion has been a long time prankster. On April Fool's day we decided to have a quiet night at home watching Animal Planet reruns. As we started to get snuggly I noticed the room started to smell really pungent. When I asked him if he noticed the smell he said he did and he went to check our gas metre in the basement. He came back and told me there must be a leak, but not to worry because it wasn't the deadly kind of gas. The smell got worse and worse throughout the night until I vomited and had to spend the night in the backyard in a tent to get some fresh air. The next morning my boyfriend confessed that it was him who had gas the whole time! He totally fooled me!

-Pam J.



 

 

These confessions remind us to keep our Urban cool even when in the most humiliating of circumstances. To enjoy these stories with your besties think about having each friend adapt a character, create a voice, avatar, and persona and read the confessions with a silly accent!

 

 

Cal-Free Mojito

1 cup seltzer water (if you only have tap water just add bubbles by blowing through a colourful straw)

1 tbsp green food die

Garnish with a mojito

Enjoy!

 

Until next time,

 

Urban Woman

Place Your Bet: it's Award Season!

Hello Urban Women,

I hope my absence from the blogging world did not alarm you. Believe me, I wasn't slacking, nor was getting reconstructive surgery on my bunions (at least not for the whole time). What was I doing, you ask? Well, I was getting ready for Award Season, one of my fave times to glue myself to the boob tube (a retro vintage term for the T.V). I'm hoping Urban Woman will be your go-to blog to check out the fashion of the stars, Oscar hopefuls, and my personal bets on who is going to go home a hero with a shiny new medal around his/her neck. Being a member of the Academy allows me to get some inside information that few others are privy to...let's just say Ryan Seacrest can't get close to my status even when he's wearing his most discrete platforms.

Let's begin by reviewing some of the shiniest moments on the Golden Globes red carpet!

 

Here you can see America's Sweetheart Reese Weatherspoon sporting Urban Woman's favourite trend: The plunging V. Reese's choice red for her second gown was extra slimming because when she stepped onto the red carpet she virtually disappeared, taking at least 6 sizes directly off the waistline-the paparazzi couldn't get enough of this Illegally Blonde Bombshell.

 

In this pic you can see Eva Mendes, J-Lo's red haired cousin, sporting a tooth enamel-white ultra sensual floor length gown. It became fairly obvious to me that the embellishment on the front of the dress is to camouflage  Eva's never been waxed Disco Bush. These clever tactics are what has kept this starlet around long enough to date Hollywood hunk Ryan Gosling.

 

These trends will obviously continue to the Oscars-you will likely notice higher than high heels, man-perms and celebrities with fragrances. My trend intuition is saying that merkin fascinators are going to be the biggest buzz around town. Keep your eyes peeled-men, women, children-no one will be left behind!

Lance Armstrong sporting a merkin as he tries modelling to win his way back into the hearts of Sheryl Crow fans

 

 

Here are my predilictions for the Oscars
Kristen Stewart-Best Actress: Breaking Dawn Part 4
Kristen really does it all in this hot teen flic. Her ability to display a wide range of emotion from melancholy all the way to sad is inspiring.

Oprah Winfrey-The Oprah Winfrey Lifetime Achievement Award brought to you by Oprah Winfrey
If anyone deserves an award for lifetime achievement is our beloved Oprah-if it wasn't for her I wouldn't have a vision board in my room filled with inspirational quotations.

Osama Bin Laden-Best Actor, in a Supporting Role: Zero Dark Thirty
Osama plays himself, only dead. My mind was blown at how still he stayed while he was dead, even when I looked close he didn't flinch.

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter-Best Picture
The buzz surrounding Daniel Day Lewis' performance is sure to get a nod at the Oscar's this year. This film is a mesmerising tale of an American President who travels to transylvania for an epic battle. It'll keep you on the edge of your fiscal cliff!

Happy viewing!

Until next time,
Urban Woman


 

 

Fall Forward: It's Autumn

Hello Urban Women,

I've always been really thankful to Mother Earth and the Goddess Gaia for bringing about the change in seasons. Not only does it allow for a great wardrobe swap and home decorating, but it also brings in various fresh local organic produce with the harvest. Here is my guide to falling hard! This bloggity blog will start with fashion tips. Stay tuned for more on Fall Forward: It's Autumn-home decorating.

Autumn Style: Take this mini quiz to figure out your look!

The best way to describe my footwear:
a) my long toenails poke through the leather after extended wear
b) I only have one pair
c) Stilettos are seasonless
d) My priorities are comfort and function

My go to autumn textures:
a)sleek pleather
b)course and sandy
c)faux fur, imitation fur, and beaver fur
d)chunky wool

The best thing about autumn fashion:
a) layering, layering & layering!
b) pulling out my collection of dickies
c) adding halloween gear to my everday look
d)clogs

My favourite autumn smell:
a) home baked apple pies from McDonalds reheated in the electric grill
b)Harvest-style accessories
c)dubonnet and cognac jello shooters
d) dried berries and cinnamon gum

Autumn Style Guide

If you were mostly A's: SASSY SEPTEMBER
 
You have a timeless sense of autumn chic. Wanting to wear your upscale fashion pieces year round you tend to have flare in an attention grabbing way. Your look will set you apart. Try some of these items this year:


This peek-a-boo gown brings the attention to all of your best assetts. Try rubbing up against a curtain for a sexy layering effect.

Try some bold stilleto nails in animal print. To make the look as genuine as possible adhere some dog/cat hairs to each nail while polish is wet.

If you were mostly B's: EARTHY EVERDAY
B's like to play it safe and stick to the basics of fall fashion while playing up the flirtiness of the season. You may want to try some of the more cutesie fall trends to freshen up your look.

Jazz up your hair by sporting a seasonal wig. This adds a playful edge to your everyday look
Keep your dickies relevant this season by adding a fun fall motif-think about dead leaves, lady bugs or browning grass.

If you were mostly C's: URBAN AUTUMN
These fashionistas know how to stop a crowd in the food court! Keeping ahead of the trend, C's are daringly dramatic kicking their style up a notch with each turn of the moon. Playful and sophisticated are your looks for 2012!

These edgy sandals provide a barenaked appeal for foot lovers while including a rabbit pouch to keep important items or warming up any cold philanges.
Consider incorporating some metallics into your undergarment and fascinator collections. Try some DIY's by gluegunning old ashtrays and beer can tabs together. Eco Chic is the future!

If you were mostly D's: OKWARD OCTOBER
Your style needs a total overhaul so start spending more time on this blog. It can be traumatic to change everything about your look and personality all at once so start easing into trends by exchanging one item at a time. Remember these cardinal rules: nothing cosy, comfortable, or concealing!
Take your fave cable-knit sweater and add some funky tassles with your kitchen scissors. You can also dig the blade into the sweater in random spots to create a more exposed look.
If you're not ready to throw your chunky wool socks away try sporting them with an all-terrain teva heel. the ultimate fashion-meets-function statement.

More to come on fall home decor!

Until next time,

Urban Woman

Photoshoot Trendz

Hello Urban Women,

I have started to notice that a major trend this season is getting professional photo shoots. It might come as a surprise, but I am a major endorser of photo shoots may they be amateur, professional, or selfies. I have been building on my portfolio for years-Tyra Banks basically told me that my pics are too editorial for her show. If you are on a strict budget make sure you have mirrors everywhere you go-they can capture the moment just as good as any instantgram. Here are some totally creative new ideas for your next photoshoot!

WHY JUST BABIES?
These cutesie pics may look familiar. Traditionally photographers have stuck to putting babies in pots, slings, coffee beans and the like. I say be bold and throw yourself into a small container-this will inspire people to look beyond your tough urban exterior into your soft infantile heart.




FRUITY FLARE!
Anything that promotes health is part of the Urban lifestyle, so I say, why not turn it into a photo shoot. With a hint of sensuality you too can impact the eating habits of the next generation. I don't normally like to post piccies of myself, but this is a special one that one of my boy toys took during snack time.

 

JUMP ON IT!

This is the ever gorge Jenny from the block Garner...but I too find that when I straddle the couch I look ultra sexy. These types of impromtu photo shoots can show your glamourous edge while also exposing your casual hangin' out in the loft attitude. Try one at home. Some may like the zebra pantaloonies, but I find them slightly garrish. I would opt for a bedazzled low rider pair of boyfriend undies.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



 



 

Don't forget to post your new pics!

 

Until next time,

 

Urban Woman

 

P.S. For something totally ahead of the trend check out this fab vid on how to give your pet a pawdicure!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w1MgGNCmpnM&feature=player_embedded

Job Search

Hello Urban Women,

Many of my readers have been really struggling to find a job since the global economic crisis and impending divorce of TomKat. I truly believe that it is all in how you presentate yourself and the first step is always the C.V. For those of you who don't know C.V. stands for Covert Vernacular. Based on this meaning it is totally legit to jazz your resume up to make yourself sound slightly better than you really are. Instead of telling y'all what to do I thought it would be better to attach a copy of my very own!

Urban Woman

69 Fab Lane

1-800-Bedazzle

urbanwomanblogger.blogspot.com

• Born circa 2000 *do not include your real birthdate. Agism is rampant in Urban Centres
• Blogging since circa 2000

My blog is a creative and innovative guide to style, fashion, and flare. Perfect for Urban readers from sea to shining sea.

Charity Work for the Needy *highlight volunteer experience first, employment is worthless

• Donated a facial wax kit to women with barely-there moustaches
• Threw a party and donated the Malibu Rum bottles to a Spring Break trip for an Urban Sorority
• Chief jello wrestler for Occupy Urban movement
• Glitter glue contemporary tattoos for anyone who stops me on the street

Internships *if you don't have internship experience think of a creative way to embellish your hobbies

• Interned as a shooter gal at The Foxy Nightclub, pro bono
• Masseuse to the Minister of Internal Affairs
• Blogging coach to grade 3 cubscout troop

Employment

• Self employed blogger
• Celebrity appearances at magic shows, comedy caves, nail salons, and lakes within gated communities (earning income + tips)
• KFC June 12, 1979-June 15, 1979: responsible for mixing secret blend of spices
• Declined the job at the Caramilk factory, one secret was enough

Education

• Advanced Bachelorette Degree in Urban Studies
• Completed culinary school via You Tube seminars
• Dog Grooming School (incomplete due to toenail incident)

Bonus Qualities *This is your chance to highlight your more subtle attributes that every employer wants to know but is afraid to ask, this will really set your CV apart!

• Enthusiastic
• 34 DD
• Light Menstrual Flow

Salary Expectations

• I will take nothing less than the glass ceiling

References

• Self: see contact details at top of C.V. * This shows a confident attitude that will ensure any prospectful employer that you are the woman for the job

I hope this helps all of you find a job placement that will energize your chakras and lead you to your final destination. In my case, it is blogging. I live it, breathe it, inspire it, desire it, and jazz it.

 

Until next time,

 

Urban Woman

 

 

 



Pool Party-Urban Style

Hello Urban Women,

Summer has finally arrived and boi oh boi have I loved cruising through the city centre with my bikini top on with my drop top down. Summer is magical-if you want to knock your party planning up a notch this season try hosting one of my fab pool parties. Just follow these simple steps and you will be the star of your block.

Step 1: Stop by your local dolla store and pick up 3-4 inflatable kiddy pools

Step 2: Jazz each one of your pools up to suit a super summer theme-here are some of the ideas I have tried:

• Add some dishwasher soap to create a foam party pool
• Add some food colouring (yellow is my fave) to create a pool that looks just like the planet Sun
• Go to your local fish market and pick up some fresh mussles and lobster to create a tide pool of aquatic life
• Dump a vat of cinnamon into one pool until it creates a film. When your guests get out of the pool not only will they be covered in a gorgeous bronze goddess type tan, but they will also be perfectly spiced for a sassy necking sesh later on!

Step 3: Set up a drink station where people can mix and match their own cocktails. Be sure to include sour puss, kool aid, beef bouillon, arbour mist, and saline solution. Think about using coconut skins to create fancy drinking receptacles and hollowed out golf balls as shooter glasses

Step 4: Consider splurging on a body paint station so your besties who forgot their swimsuits can get decked out in a cake-icing bikini or acrylic paint

Step 5: Invite all your best guy and gal pals

Step 6: Enjoy!

Remember to douse yourself in baby oil to keep that skin looking wet all day long!

Until next time,

Urban Woman

Urbanomics

Hello Urban Women,

I have designed a webinar to help all of you with your financials-you know, the how-to guide on saving and splurging. A large component of being an Urban Woman is living a life of decadence and indulgence, but to quote Biggie Smalls, "Mo Money, Mo Problems". This phrase really captures my pocketbook and after you read my webinar and absorb my centsible advice you will be sure to find yourself rolling coins like no other.

TIP $1-NO TIPPING

One of the sure ways to save on cash money is by cutting down on tipping. Over a period of a few months I stopped giving service industry tips altogether because I found my savings to be 15% of my annual income. Some may call me 'cheap,' but I prefer to think of myself as practicing Urbanomics in the slickest possible way. Fret not ladies-instead of a monetary tip I often provide a fashion or trending tip written on an autographed photo of myself. For example:
keep your nail varnish in the sun to create a chunky 3D effect

TIP $2-SPLURGE

The best way to stop yourself from being unsatisfied with your new budget is to splurge on items you love. Otherwise, you will likely end up buying a number of unneccesary items that add up to a similar price. For example, I spotted some ultra fab espadrilles with light-up soles that were upwards of 45$ so I went for it. Because I passed them by I ended up overdrafting on my Pay Less Shoe credit card trying to fill the espadrille shaped void in my soul. I ended up with a pair of Buzz Light Year pumps, but they just weren't the same.

TIP $3-MONEY MART OR BUST

Money marts or other advance cash pay day loans are a great way to stop those credit card interest payments. Take your pay cheque and waltz into a local money mart and they basically pay you for nothing-and can provide a great op for romantic connections. I can't help but share how I met my latest boy toy who was working behind the money desk. All that cold hard cash in his hands really cranked my wheel and we decided to grab a refreshing low-cal bevy at the service station next door. He was sporting a mean man tank and had a tattoo of Ed Hardy's face on his neck. Suffice to say we couldn't make it work because it turned out he was in total debt (and under age).

I truly hope you find your piggy banks and bath tubs overflowing with prosperity.

Until next time,

Urban Woman



Miss Urban Universe

Hello Urban Women,

I have been hearing a lot about beauty pageants on the social media these days and been having some totally mind expanding discussions on my nexopia and myspace pages. Some people seem to believe beauty contests are exploitative and archaic. To those people I say: What suburb are you from??? LOL! :) They also must not be very spiritual people because everyone knows Jesus invented the first pageant (see Christmas Pageant on wikipedia for more info).

Every Urban Woman dreams of being a beauty queen. Being admired for your looks, incredible talent, and general charm is one of the only ways to keep your self-esteem at a healthier than others level. It also really helps jazz up your portfolio (some people use the word resume, but I prefer portfolio because of the glossy pages and full booklet presentation I use to apply for employment). As you can imagine I was a beauty pageant princess myself...I have earned many sashes from beauty pageants that I still have dangling from the door jam to create a mystic curtain/room separater.

• Runner up for Miss Dainty Embryo* (selected from a series of ultrasound pics, in utero)
• Babeliest Babe Baby Contestant* (I was the only 3 month old in the entire pageant who didn't wipe my mascara off or get lipstick on my gums, 3 months circa 2003*)
• Miss Toddler N Tiara* (the whole tv show was basically my idea)
• 3rd Runner Up* Lady Pre-Tween (bee sting breasts in a push up bra along with a Kelly Clarkson lip sync are what won my way to the top!)
• Curvy Cowgirl honourable mention(4H's version of Miss Teen North America with a twang)

And obviously my main accolade is for my nomination to win Miss Urban Universe. When AC Slater was drawing my question out of the giant fish bowl I was totally nervous. Ohhhh, the relief I felt when he read out the perfect question: "If you were crowned Miss Urban Universe how would you use your title to better the Universe?"

Lucky for me I had a hidden mic attached to one of my diamond studded chicken cutlets so I know exactly what I said and I am ready to share it with you all. This is my response verbata:

"Thank you AC Slater, thank you judges, and thank you universe for the honour you have bestowed upon me. First of all, if I were crowned miss Urban Universe I would use my title on my business cards, e-mail signature, and I'd get an engraved brass plate for my mailbox in the Urban Centre of my residence. It would be such an honour to let my supporters know who I am in any Urban setting. For example, if I was at an ATM I would probably autograph my cheque before I inserted it, just so my local bank would have something 'celebrity' to hang on the wall of their branch. Or during the summer months I would probably join the street children who do chalk drawings and teach them how to spell M.I.S.S U.R.B.A.N U.N.I.V.E.R.S.E. across every Urban street, side walk, and parking lot.

Most importantly, I would use my title to advocate that little girls everywhere have access to quality inexpensive 'flippers' to cover their shameful teeth. Having grown up in the pageant world I know how important it is to have a full set of shining white, slightly large teeth. It is the only thing that matters (at this point I get emotional-I also have a chopped onion hidden in my other chicken cutlet to help the tears begin to flow). Because of my sensitive and caring personality I would want every little Urban Girl to be proud of her smile. Each set of Miss Urban Universe Flippers would be dusted with love, glitter, and hope for the future. Thank you."

I followed this epic(some say prolific)response with a live reading and cooking demo of my most popular blog recipes (mocha lickers, yogurt tubers, chicken ceasers etc) and had the contestants from "Lady Pre-Tween" pass out samplers wearing their tube dress minis. The crowd went absolutely wild, along with the judges! I don't think I need to tell you who went on to win the contest...

Until next time,

Miss Urban Universe

*dates and prizes may have been modified to protect the writer