Urban Woman: Hello, my name is Urban Woman, and I'm a first aider!

Hello Urban Women,

I have taken some time away from blogging not because I have blog-burnout, but because I have been totally preoccupied with my new role as a life saver. No, I'm not a medical doctor, or a

9-1-1 operator, but I am an Urban First Aider. I have been involved in fixing so many fashion, etiquette, and trend emergencies lately! I thought I would post them so all of my loyal followers would know that being Urban is not so easy afterall.

Urban Emergencies

You notice one of your best g.fs has total man hands

FIRST AID: Think about buying your pal a pair of sexy gloves that she can wear while she is in public. I've given away so many pairs of faux fur and pleather gloves lately I just cannot afford it anymore. I've started to buy magic gloves at the dollar store-I usually attach some press on nails to the finger tips so 'man hands' can still look and feel sexy

After using the internets to find the hottest new trends you come across wannabe Urban Woman Websites

FIRST AID: These are the more pathetic urban emergencies, because it is amazing how easily people can be led astray by counterfeit urbanites. When I find out about Urban Woman Infidels I usually get my hacker friends (some of you may have heard of her...Lisbeth Salander), to go into their computer and reroute all webpages back to Urban Woman. While this fee can get hefty, I know all of you first aiders are totally committed to making my page a hit. No offense Lipstick Jungle.

You are out at a restaurant and you notice the couple next to you is out on their first date. You begin to pay attention to the vibes the couple is exchanging and realise the woman is totally suburban and is talking to her date about country lace drapes.

FIRST AID: This requires immediate intervention which really gets my adrenalin pumping-not only can you save a life, but there is potential for a new convert! In this situation I actually pass the casualty an Urban First Aid Kit. The contents are as follows:

-a Bob the Builder band-aid

-gemstone chandelier earrings

-a print out of relevant blog editions

-a premixed banana liquer shooter

-a faux cell phone/pager

-Lady Gaga's latest album

-list of conversation dos and donts (speak in a pitch slightly higher than your normal voice; purse your lips frequently; share all of your fantasies-for example, Mariah Carey's song Fantasy, American Idol winner Fantasy Barrino, your fantasy life as a Simms character etc; reference the time you spent as a Facebook consultant; do not mention country drapes, your desire to live more simply, or your plans for your next haircut)

After receiving the first aid kit the casualty usually disappears to the bathroom, comes back looking like a totally new woman and begins to wow her date! This really is what gives my job purpose and meaning.

I was out trendspotting and came across these funky must have heels. They are on the cutting edge of fashion-note how the lace sockette is actually part of the shoe. The model wearing these shoes is clearly a slut (note the ankles), if I were styling this photo shoot I probably would have added some ankle chains, and a tensor bandage to make the ankle appear more classy. I would also have toenail extenders that would reach the tip of the shoe.