New Year's Steve

Hello Urban Women,

At this time of year I can't help but fantasize about Dick Clark-he has really been an icon of our generation. There was this one time that we locked eyes in a super intense way...it didn't even matter that I was at home on my chaise lounge and he was in Times Square. Since I have totally had my eyes on DC for the last decade I thought now was the time to give you some tips on how to find your own Urban Man to rub dance with this NYE!

First of all ensure that the party you are hosting or attending will be totally Urban and have a nice bevy of Urban Men to choose from-some indicators of an Urban party will be as follows:
-VIP list
-a warning sign for those susceptible to strokes (due to the laser beam show)
-paparazzi
-dress code in effect

The best time to snag your perfect man is at midnight on the dot. Discreetly place yourself directly under the mistletoe at 11:00pm and do not move from this spot (there will be other Urban Women competing with you). At midnight bat your lashes 3 times and you should see an Urban Stallion standing before you who smells of Axe body spray and is sporting a man tank. You can be sure this is going to be worth your wait!

If the kiss is magical instantly begin speaking in an exotic accent. Some people find English or Italian accents alluring, but I recommend trying something a little more edgy-Texan or Dutch have served me well over the years. I have been working on a special zombie autotunes voice for this NYE to be totally chic and ironic. After you accent has successfully impressed this mystery fellow your necklace alarm clock will need to strike 12 again (because of your faux-accent identity) and another major smooch is sure to follow! At this point your pheremones will be so in sync that you are considered to be going steady. Way to snag 'em ladies!

If you want to keep the romance going into the early hours be sure to excuse yourself to the ladies room to 'freshen up'. While I know I may be a little high maintenance, for me freshening up is a vital part of my persona-bring a change of gowns, add another set of chicken cutlets to your bra, and tweeze any unwanted stray hairs that may have grown in over the course of the evening. When you come out of the toilette (this type of lingo will add to your exotic appeal) you may have to fight off more than one Urban Man!

Urban Women-remember that NYE is the night that glitter and glam are never out of style. Go wild with the tinsel, body sparkles, and glowstick fluid (break open your fave neon bracelet and dab it on your erogenous zones for when the lights get dim!).

Also remember to drink responsibly and have a glass of water in between each mocktail.

Happy 2012!

Until next time,
Urban Woman

p.s. it may be necessary to review 2012 protocol before the party begins http://www.urbanwomanblogger.blogspot.com/2011_11_01_archive.html

Passion 4 Fashion

Hello Urban Women,

TREND ALERT: exchanging "c"s for "k"s is totally 2011. If you want to keep up with the current changes in cultural lingo be sure to start exchanging your "s"s for "z"s-but only at the end of a word. This creates a really edgy dynamic between you and the readerz!

Many of you understand the fine line between wanna be fashionistaz and those that have a legit passion 4 fashion. It is what separates the footless tightz from backless gownz. In my case I feel like I waz born with a passion 4 fashion, whereaz otherz have had to learn it. My body is basically a human fashion compasz and when I see an outfit that has been perfectly executed my true North startz to tingle!

Some of the creative fashion ideaz I've come up with:

TRANSFORMATIONZ
-taking that ratty old tube skirt and transforming it into a totally sexy mini dress. All you need to do is add a belt and people's jawz will drop when they seen your curvezzz!

NEW AND OLD
-I like to accesorize by using traditional accessoriez as modern glam. For example, I sewed extra zipperz all over my tankini to jazz it up for the fabutan season. Not only does this little bit of metal make your outfit go from drab to fab, but it also lookz like real bling!

SCISSOR SISTERS
-this tip came in perfectly handy for me when I had two gala partiez to attend in a row and only one backless crushed velvet party dresz. Get out those scissorz and start trimming! I added a fringe to the bottom of the dress and made a peek-a-boo keyhole below the plunging v neck so onlookers would get a special preview the dolphin tattoo that I got sketched on my stomach in permanent marker. Next time I wear the dress I plan to add some slitz up the sides to show off the exterior of my upper thigh.

I hope all of you can try to increase your passion 4 fashion, especially during the holidayz. A fun and flirty look will totally up your chancez of meeting that perfect urban man! Imagine yourself under that mistletoe with Mr. Right-that kiss will go down in history!

Peace and love to Urban Women everywhere.

Until next time,

Urban Woman

XXXMAS

Hello Urban Women,

The most important question of the season is naughty or nice? This edition is a total Urban overhaul on how to make XMAS into XXXMAS! So get out your J. Beiber Christmas album and tell your mom to move on over because it is your turn to kiss Santa Claus!

When hosting an XXXMAS dinner always remember that an Urban Woman keeps a totally flirty and fab exterior. I mentioned my naughty elf costume a few posts ago, but think outside the box to achieve your personal best style:

-apron with some tinsel on the edges
-garland as a hair tie or halter top
-pinesol dabbed behind the ears for a seasonal sexy scent!
-instead of going to the salon for your regular press on nails think about sculpting your own pointers out of gingerbread cookie dough. It is necessary to use a little modge podge to hold them in place, but once the dough dries they look and feel totally fab. For a naughty twist make a few of them into the shape of candy canes.

Here are some of my fave XXXmas recipes & mocktails!

Naughty: Cranberry Jingler

• 2 parts non alcoholic vodka (can be substituted for potato juice)
• 1 part fresh distilled mineralized local organic H20
• a dash of citron which is an exotic fruit you may not find at your local grocery store-if so, check for jello powder in this flavour
• Shake your money maker until all ingredients are mixed
• Garnish with a previously enjoyed cranberry teabag and a jingle bell
• Enjoy

Nice: Ginger Balls

• Grate 2 pounds of fresh ginger into a vat (try to clean out the vat before using it as a receptacle-otherwise fingernail clippings tend to find their way into things)
• let the ginger sit for a few days so the liquid can evaporate-not only does this make the ginger more workable but it also gives your home a really nice smell sort of like chinese restaurant and a dollop of love
• roll the ginger into balls
• take a kraft single slice and use it as a 'wonton wrapper' for the ginger. If you warm the cheese up with your hands slightly you will be able to press the edges together to form a seal around the ginger ball
• sprinkle each ball with some xxxmas coloured sprinkles
• add some coconut flakes as garnish to your platter
• Enjoy

Naughty: Macaroni Angelz

• Get really creative with your macaroni angelz this year-instead of sticking with the regular noodle shape try something a little more wacky-such as rotini, spaghetti, or lasagne
• use your fave eyeliner to draw sexy costumes on each of the angelz
• to transform this funky craft/xxxmas decor idea into an easy appy boil the noodles for 5 minutes in salty water
• mist with peanut oil to give them some shimmer before serving
• Enjoy

Nice: Mistletoe Salad with Meat Wreath

• This is a spin off of the classic french dish "Miscoise Salad"
• Take mistletoe, wash, dice & julienne
• Put in bowl
• Put your favourite cold cuts (think bologna, salami and mortadella) onto a platter in the shape of a wreath-put your salad bowl in the middle of the wreath
• Enjoy
• To add a little fun think about playing spin the bottle around the table at your family XXXMas dinner, this is a totally chic way of adding new tradition to old tradition.

Naughty: XXXMAS Tree Ornaments

Warning: This is not edible

• Sexy bras dangling from the boughs make any xxxmas tree look a little daring
• Use your fave winter twigs and berries to adorn your tree
• Instead of regular white fairy lights think about red lights that flash
• DIY: Make your own ornaments by using photos of yourself in your elf costume! Punch a hole in the top and use a string to hang on your tree

While I was doing all of my XXXmas prep I started humming and got totally inspired to write a new Xmas carol. I think this one will go down in history (like Charlize Brown)!

Sung to the tune of Jingle Bells

Christmas time
Christmas thyme
Christmas is so urban

Oh how fab it is to sip
a mocktail made of bourbon, hey!

Until next time,

Urban Woman

2012: A Survivor's Guide

Hello Urban Women,

Because I am a total fighter (think Christina Aguilera meets Kim Kardashian) I thought I would share some of my tips on how to manage the apocolypse circa 2012. There are certain elements of this event that seem really psychic to me. For example, the end of the world is scheduled to come on December 21. If you flip around 21 you get the number 12. And December is the 12 month of the Mayan year. For those of you who may not have heard about this epic event in our life time, I have written an abridgement to get you up to speed. I am only sharing this information because if all the Urban Women get wiped out evolution will need to start again...

2012 in a Nutshell

A long time ago, like probably the last century, a woman named Maya was trying to plan a trip to Mexico. She was putting on her favourite shade of lip liner (apocolptic red) and accidentally dropped her flip phone in the sink. It got totally ruined.  She was devastated because all of her travel plans had been saved on her phone. She dried it out with her hair dryer and went into the calendar only to find that it stopped counting at 2012. She understood this as a message from the cosmos. She has a similar story about her typewriter breaking down on Y2K.

She wrote her beliefs about the end of the world in an old book of papyrus paper and incorrectly dated it (because her calendar was broken). Instead of going to Mexico on holidays she glued photos of ancient South American civilizations from a national geographic magazine into her parchment scrapbook. She lost her big scrapbook/journal with her luggage and it was never recovered. 

 Scientists just found her notes recently and they have become really afraid that January will no longer follow December and are trying to get the information to the masses. You can imagine how this sort of thing would mess up the zodiac and people who were normally born in January would never have been born at all if a different month came first. This is how the world would end. It's basically like rewind for any human who has been alive. There is talk of zombies and that would be super awesome for me because I have an incredibly sexy Zombie Stripper costume.

Urban Survival Guide

1. get yourself to the nearest bomb shelter/underground lair and try to make it comfortable by dangling dog tags for decor.

2. stock up on energy drinks and any snacks that are high in glucose/fructose or corn syrup (now is not the time for calorie counting. Eat every 25 minutes to maintain a stream of energy incase you need to battle anyone.

3. distill your urine-it can come in handy as an acne treatment if the world does end. amonia does wonders for the skin.

4. devise a buddy system: this is to ensure you are always looking fab-you can trade a camoflauge scarf for combat boots to keep your 'end of world soldier girl' look fresh each day

5. think of all the inspiring stories of people who have gone before you for a greater cause such as Mother Theresa, Amy Winehouse, Katniss Everdeen and the people's princess-Lady Di.
6. For your bunker playlist consider Destiny's Child's "Survivor," Survivor's "Eye of the Tiger," or Miley Cyrus' "The Climb"
6. if you come across any sort of alien, zombie, unicorn or other creature of the night have a pocket full of hard candies to use as peace offerings. I hear mystical apocolyptic creatures love scotch mints! To make it extra special think about putting a monogram on each mint-like UW for Urban Woman, or PE for Planet Earth.

I sure hope these handy dandy tips keep you alive! Another thing-bring your computer or smart phone with you along with a generator to keep it running. We all know the only time the world will actually end is when Urban Woman stops blogging (or you stop reading!).

Until next time,

Urban Woman

Christmas Charisma

Hello Urban Women,

You have probably been wondering where I have been lately. The truth is-I've been decking the halls. It is nearly Christmas and I am getting into the season. Urban Women everywhere have probably been retreating only to come out of hibernation with a fully garnished home, style, and dinner table.

While I am prepping my house for the holidays I usually don my favourite elf suit-it involves stockings with some shimmer, a green and red lingerie teddy and obviously a santa hat. Don't forget a few jingle bells! This little outfit is not only sexy, but if any of my neighbours see me they will start to get a magical feeling about the holidays. I also dangle candy canes anywhere possible on my outfit. When people come over they can pull a candy cane off of me and replace it with some cold hard cash. I usually save up all this money and use it to buy my costume next year. One time, I decided to support a charity with my earnings. I felt so good about myself after I found an unsuspecting shopper who I bought an entire "Mrs Claws" (sexy Christmas kitten) outfit for.

My choice for decor theme is totally urban and original-think Santa's workshop gone naughty.I have borrowed some work benches from a local construction troop that is working down the street from me-I had to trade them a couple of my home made gingerbread coasters, but no biggie! I set these up around my house as stations with wrapping paper, ribbon, glitter, and gift boxes. This helps me look generous (like I got a gift for everyone) and it ties in with the theme. I splurged a little on this next part, but I got some professional cardboard cut outs of myself in my elf suit to put on the lawn. They have twinkle light silhouettes for the evening so even late night passers-by can see my fab figure! Sprinkling cinnamon on the crisp snow not only adds a beautiful scent to the air but it also looks like the earth has been dusted by angels.

Gingerbread Coasters

1.Purchase a 12 pack of round gingerbread cookies from your local grocery store (I strongly discourage purchasing food from craft or bake sales-once I bought a tea cosy from a local sale. As soon as I got it home I realised it was actually a baby's cap that fell off its head onto the table-talk about embarrassment). 

2. Take the cookies out of the plastic wrap and arrange on a pan

3. Allow to sit for 48 hours

5. Sprinkle glitter and a lot of love over the cookies

6. Package them as christmas coasters-over the course of the night people's drinks will spill on the coaster softening it up to be a real christmas treat. Multipurpose is totally 2012.

More seasonal tips to come!

Until next time,

 

Urban Woman

Logical Remakes

Hello Urban Women,

I have recently become totally jazzed by the idea of remakes. It's like nothing is original anymore (except my blog and my general way of being). Everywhere we turn we are exposed to something we've seen before only with a new twist! I'm not talking about same, same but different, I am talking about old with the new. I am writing this blog to hopefully inspire the music, film,television and fortune telling industry to continue with their innovations. 

Music Industry
For example I heard a remix song of Backstreet Boyz "As Long as You Love Me". Because I am passionate about remakes I really traced this back...using deductional style logic.

Premise 1:Backstreet Boyz are basically a white version of Boyz 2 Men
Premise 2:Backstreet Boyz had 90s pop hits along with N Sync
Premise 3:J Timberlake has never been out of style
Conclusion: A remake to this song totally makes sense-all you need to do is add Akon and some booties and pump up the jam!

Film Industry

Premise 1: The Land Before Time was a great movie about dinos
Premise 2: Jurassic Park was a great movie about dinos in real life (not cartoon life which I believe is an alternate reality)
Premise 3: Dinos are the world's best kept secret
Conclusion: Land Before Time 17 will be a hit

Television Industry

Premise 1: Beverly Hills 90210 was a sensational teen drama about 30yr olds
Premise 2: Scandal never gets old
Premise 3: The Simple Life starring Paris Hilton and Nicolette Richie was a success
Conclusion: A reality tv show where Kim Kardashian stars as a divorcee school teacher to rich teens will be a hit

Fortune Telling Industry

Premise 1: The future will always be unkown
Premise 2: Fortune tellers are always predicting the end of the earth...such as Jesus rolling from the grave, Y2K, 2001 a Space Odyssey
Conclusion:2012

Until next time!

Urban Woman

Same, Same But Different

Hello Urban Women,

This blog post is about all the things that are the same, only slightly different. After reading this you should notice that you are better able to spot differences and have a better eye on diversity.

CSI Miami & CSI Original
These two classic crime solving series are virtually the same in terms of drama, fast paced action, celebrity cameos, and fantastic abilities to be an expert on everything. The main difference is geographical. Obviously one is set in Miami and the other one is in Las Vegas. Even though both cities are in California the cultures are very different. Horatio also seems to have a slightly higher profile than the un-named main character from Vegas. The other difference is Will Smith has a hit song called Miami.

Justin Beaver & Ellen Degeneres
These two top performers may share the same haircut but when you look closely you will find that Justin has a slightly more olive skin tone and Ellen has had a swagger coach for a little while longer, hence her dance moves.

Manicures & Pedicures
Both involve stylish sexy nails, a bubble bath, and radical nail art. The difference is one involves the hands and the other the feet. This can become confusion when thinking about pets, but for humans it is pretty obvi. Mani-comes from the word mannequin meaning hand model and Pedi comes from the word peddi cash which is what is usually used to give a tip to the salon owner. I recommend a daily dose of both!

Boxer Shorts & Tighty Whities
Some say under garments are under garments, but I say boxers and tighty whities are the same same, but different. For example, boxers have a wider leg and tighty whities aren't always white. Sometimes they are grey or brown or blue. In some cases they are bright yellow. On an Urban Man I prefer the classic lines of the y-front. But we all know that underneath a pair of wide leg exco jeans anything can look sexy!

Twins & Dopplegangers
Twins can be deceiving. Sometimes they look totally the same, but sometimes they are an illusion. Mary Kate and Ashley have always freaked me out in this way...note how they are never pictured together? Exactly. Dopplegangers are more like a fake twin, but 2 people can still share the same genetic make up even from across the world.

Frosted Tips & Gel Tips
These two types of style must haves can be confused because of their similarity (they both end with the word 'tips). Note that frosted tips are a total studly way to jazz up your locks (think the pop sensation boy band B44) and gel tips are the only way to keep your fingers looking slender and natural. If you were to pair them together you would probably start getting tips for being so fashion forward! Money, money, money!

Keep your eyes to the ground for these tricky things that can seem deceiving. After all, we are all Urban Women, yet most of you are looking up to me! Same same, but different.

Until next time,

Urban Woman

How to Put the Sexy in Your Halloween Costume

Hello Urban Women,

Halloween is just around the corner-I hope all of you have planned your Monster Bash party for the weekend and better yet, have your costumes ready for Monday, Oct 31! Did I mention how glad I am that Halloween does not fall on Friday the 13th this year?

While most of you have probably been prepping your costumes since July 4th (go independence day! I love you Will Smith!), I still thought it would be helpful to throw some tips your way.

Here are some of my fave costume ideas for 2011. Remember that it is always the safest bet to include an over the top (OTT!) sexual inuendo-this tends to help people lower their inhibitions and have a way cool time.

-Pam Anderson (circa 1999)
-The Cable Guy
-Provocative Vampire (think Kristin Steward mixed with Buffy St. Marie)
-Naughty Girl Guide (bring some of your fave cookies to hand out as party pleasers)
-Sexy Nurse (mini pill bottles filled with E will be a total hit)
-The ghost of Tupac Shakur/Biggie Smalls (bring some mix tapes as favours)

-Macaroni Angel (attach rigatoni and spaghetti to a burlap sack, spray paint yourself metallic hues and photoshop a halo for yourself ad hoc)

-Christmas Tree-let your breasts be the ornaments! Dangle tinsel as seasonal pasties

If you choose to go trick or treating be sure to bring some of your best tricks along incase anyone asks you to perform! I know this is a totally vintage tradition, but I love the resurgence of Urban trends from days gone by. Here is a list of some of the tricks I have up my sleeve:

-singing a few lines of my fave Alicia Keys/Kelly Clarkson/Amanda Marshall song in perfect pitch
-Front handspring
-Origami Jack O Lantern (on the spot, with photocopied instructions incase I miss a step)
-toilet papering an entire urban block
-instead of egging the house I bring a tray of deviled eggs to offer to the home owner (see recipe below)
-put a plastic bug on your face and pretend not to notice it
-speak in acronyms (omg lol wtf, u dn't hav low phat candies?)

Deviled Eggs Recipe

1.Hardboil a baker's dozen eggs

2. Cut them in half to let them cool (leave the shells on)

3. Mix together in a separate bowl: sweet gherkins, relish, bread crumbs, and vanilla yogourt

4. Scoop the eggs out of the shells, discard

5. Fill shells with mixture and sprinkle with mashed ketchup chips, leaving some whole to protrude out as devilish horns

6. Enjoy!



Urban Women-promise to stay safe for Halloween. I have heard a few Urban legends about people sticking razor blades inside their Spooky Give-A-Ways and I believe everyword of it. Take your candy stash to an airport and run it through the metal detector before eating anything. Also be sure to use crosswalks wisely and if you are going to take a ride from a stranger make sure your human GPS microchip is switched to 'on'.

Be safe, sexy, and have fun!

Until next time,

Urban Woman

A Note on "Forwards"

Hello Urban Women,

Since I still have a cold and flu that seems uncurable (I spent 8 hours in the emergency room only to be sent home with nothing but an extra large nose tampon), I have had a lot of thinking time. As a result of me being so busy it is rare that I get time to sit and reflect, so obviously the topic of my musings is a deep and meaningful one-forwards, of the email variety.

I have heard various people whining about forwards, as though their sole purpose is to fill their junk inbox. For me, forwards are sacred. Not only do they show how often you are on people's minds, but they also can be totally uplifting and inspiring. I also get some great new product suggestions via forwards-such as goji juice, penis enlargement supplements, and starting your own business online. And you can imagine how good I feel when I know that women really are in sisterhood and angels are watching me.

I also tend to have supersitions about forwards because in the past bad things have happened when I did not follow the simple instruction to "forward". This one time, I got a forward (see below), and I only sent it to 10 of my closest bffs instead of the 100 it requested. The next day I ended up in the slammer for copyright infringement (under the guise of indecent exposure-hey, I was hosting a fashion event...). What goes around comes around.

Prison vs Work:

- - - - - - - - - - - -

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK....you spend most of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
IN PRISON...you get three meals a day (free).
AT WORK.....you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it yourself.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK.....you get rewarded for good behavior with more WORK.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
 
What I am really saying here is forward this Urban Woman post to all your friends and family or you will end up living a life of boredom, style mishaps, and suburbia!
 
I have created my own forward too. I hope you take the time to post it to your friends email, twitter and facebooks.
 
URBAN WOMAN FORWARD-send it to 15 bffs and within 15 days you will have 15 new friend requests on f.b!
 
Live life to the fullest, it is the small things that bring love to our hearts.
Post a photo of yourself looking your best on all of the mirrors in your house. This way when you are having a bad hair day you can pretend you look like you do in the photo.
Small feet are like kittens, they never stop giving.
When you say "I'm sorry" look up and to the left, this will make people think you are lying. Even if you're being totally honest.
 
Being Urban means you are connected to the streets and even more connected to the world wide webs. If it weren't for urbanization we wouldn't have smog coloured moths, a middle class, or street sweepers. Nevermind the abolishment of cottage industries-the epitome of country lace drapes. Love your urban neighbours every day!
 
Remember, if you don't forward this you will lose all of your friends on fb to those who did forward this!
 
Until next time,
Urban Woman

Contagion

Hello Urban Women,

Good bye sun spots, hello cold & flu season! It is crazy to think how dangerous life on planet earth is-we are always at risk of something. I remember learning this lesson the hard way when I was a teen. She was one of my fave gal pals even though her face was unsightly and filled with acne. I made the mistake of having one of her Halloween chocolate bars and totally caught the acne! That was the point in my life when I created one of my first trends-homemade masquerade masks! I wore one every day until my acne flare decreased. Next thing I knew all the trendsters were wearing their very own version. Although this experience came out positively in the end, you can imagine the horror I felt at the contagion.

At this point in my life I am starting to feel a little tickle in my throat. Some may want to blame the season, but personally, I blame the people who pick their noses, pee on their hands and don't wash them, and last but not least, the individuals with pussy eyes. I have a few guidelines laid out for how to best avoid catching a cold or flu this season!

• bedazzle your very own sars mask with gold pirate chains so your personal protective gear can double as a fashion accessory. Carry your mask everywhere and do not be ashamed to put it on when you feel you are around the hygienically impoverished.
• Fill your bathtub with vats of disinfectant. I usually do a mixture of hand sanitizer, lysol, CLR, and lemon rinds. At the end of each outting when I return home I spend a few minutes with a scuba mask on totally submerged in this mixture. It is the only way to kill off those germs.
• Gloves are our friends-there is nothing worse than having to shake hands with the devil (so to speak, the germ devil). After a handshake dispose the glove in your nearest biohazard receptacle.
• Positive thinking can get you a long way in life-create an effigy doll of a stranger or an acquaintance who has crossed you...if you start feeling ill pass the energy onto someone else!
• If you do use all of my tips and end up ill I recommend a day of watching sex in the city reruns, blogging, and eating cool whip right out of the jar!

Look out Urban Women, these mega bugs are starting to threaten our very society. Write to your local political spokesperson and request an updated list of conspiracies about how these things got started. If you know the cause, you know the solution!

Until next time,

Urban Woman

Imps-Correction

Hello Urban Women,

After reading my latest blog post one of my best gal pals brought a totally funky product to my attention. To keep her name anonymous I will refer to her as Pat U. Pat U-thanks for sharing this-you are a true Urban Woman Pioneer. It is the perfect gift for any baby or person with thinning locks. I can't believe I didn't think of this idea first!

The ORIGINAL Baby Ponytails Faux Pigtail Headband - Bebe Doos Perfect Ponies - Limited Edition Pink w/Polka Dots- PATENT PENDING

 

Until next time,

 

Urban Woman

Imps

Hello Urban Women,

I realise that many of my readers are mothers, or soon to be mothers-of the urban sort. In order to keep my niche (urban domination), I need to stay relevant to everyone. So this blog edition is all about children. While I may find their snotty noses and feathery hair to be distasteful some people really seem to like children. One of the biggest quandaries I find myself in is what to buy an up and coming urban child? There is a really great website for kiddie gifts http://www.anoukanoo.com/ but I get really creative with my ideas. Partly why my blog is so unique is because I never shamelessly advertise for people, I keep it totally organic and local.

When they are very small they don't even care about gifts (dare I say tacky?), so at this stage it is really about the mother.I usually get mom and tot a set of matching onesies that have my blog URL in gemstones across the booty. I may even throw in some mascara for the babe-I'm not sure who started the myth about children not needing make up. I am inventing my very own formula of hyperallergenic baby cosmetics. This way your little one can look fab even if they do smell like they've been bathed in vomit.
Alternately you could give them a jar of your very own baby food. I will share my secret recipe! The mom's love it because it is preservative free, but lasts forever!

Urban Imp Baby Mixer-this recipe includes all of the food groups and is really good for growth and brain developmentation.

1. Add one packet of hollandaise sauce powder to a blender with some water
2. Mix with bananas and chocolate milk
3. half a can of tinned ham
4. blend and put into a used gerber baby food jar
5. make a funky label: Nutrition for Babies!
6. Enjoy

In toddlerhood children can be extremely picky. At this point they seem to be really into money. I normally save up my Canadian tire $ and put them in a funky wallet for the child. I figure it's not my job to explain that they can only trade it in for a few screws or a roll of duct tape.

In later childhood I see fashion as a necessity. I give little girl's an Urban Style Guide that explains how their bodies will never be better...no arm flab, no back rolls, and certainly no wrinkles. In this gift I include a baby tee and booty shorts with red shiny rollerskates and a lollipop. It is totally retro and kids love it! LOL.

During the tween years it is all about accessories. Cell phone cases, zipper pulls, and jazzy shoe laces are big hits. I also include a prescription to Tiger Beat magazine so they can adorn their bedroom walls with pics of J. Beiber and Burt Reynolds.

Once they kids are full on teenagers I stop giving gifts. Instead I bring along my underwater disposable camera and we go to the city centre for a one-on-one photo shoot. Obviously as soon as the photos are uploaded to their twitter page they get tons of followers.

Keep spoiling all of those little imps-afterall, it is our destiny as Urban Women to encourage and inspire the next generation of Urban Women! Think about it...if not for Whitney Houston I wouldn't be here today!

Until next time,
Urban Woman

Thanks Givings

Hello Urban Women,

Some of you may have thought I forgot about Thanksgiving because my last post was about Halloween. Well let me tell you I never forget anything. That is why I go through friends quite quickly because if they ever cross me I will not forget about it until I have sought ample revenge (like swapping their Sarah Jessica Parker perfume for vinegar).

Thought I'd take some time to tell you what I am thankful for!
-ultra thick maxi pads
-stiletto nails
-mood lighting
-online shopping
-anti perspirant-baby powder scent
-surprises (like baby chicks)
-compliments such as, "you are so trendy"
-Call of Duty
-Bumper Stickers
-Specialty shops-places that sell vietnamese subs in particular
-tassles of any sort (even the nipple kind, wink wink)
-Miracles (whip and bras)
-Personal Flotation Devices
-Ike Turner
-Philly Cream Cheese Angel commercials

Hope you all enjoy your day and take a moment of solitude to thank Urban Woman for all of her blog!

Until next time,

Urban Woman

Monster Bash

Hello Urban Women,

Halloween is only 23 days away! I don't know about you but Halloween is my favourite celebration of the year. I plan to  host a Monster Bash for all of my besties. A Monster Mash party is not your typical dress up party, it is a mega bash that will leave everyone breathless. These instructions should guide you to set up your very own party atmosphere.

Guests should be told to dress like the ugliest monsters they can imagine. A lot of poo brown garb, faux face gashes, and glue on body hair are expected. Make sure to tell people that nothing about them should look attractive.

Decorate  your house with spooky pumpkins. I tend to carve mine with a blindfold on to get the best massacred look. Leave the pumpkin entrails inside to create a rotting flesh kind of smell. I also use a pumpkin as a cute punch bowl. I mix up some vodka, 5 hour power, and tang. Instead of ice cubes use jello shooters in the shape of decapitated fingers.

Make a playlist of eerie music-some of my faves are sung by Fred Penner and Raffi. To make it really personalized I usually record myself shrieking and put this on a loop.

Bandaid Snackers
1. Take one loaf of multigrain whole wheat white bread and toast each piece to a medium brown
2. Cut bread into slices into about 5 lengths per piece of toast
3. Add some bleach to a cup of peanut butter until it becomes a light brown skin tone
4. Slather each bit of bread with peanut butter/bleach mixture
5. use a toothpick to make tiny holes to appear like a bandaid
6. squirt a little bit of ketchup on each bit to look like blood
7. Instead of a platter use a vintage ambulance stretcher as a serving plate
8. Enjoy!

The room should be dim (candle light only) when all of your guests arrive. If they followed the instructions they should all be looking absolutely horrifying. When the doorman lets you know everyone has arrived, put the spotlight on and strut into the room...the kicker is that the Urban Woman always looks fab! Wear your sexiest pleather tube skirt with a lingerie top and bedazzled heels. Everyone will be so amazed at how good you look, especially in comparison to all the monsters!

Spend the night getting tons of photos with a little sign that reads "Beauty and the Beast". Print off the photos and use them as thank you for attending cards.

Hope your Halloween Bash is a stylish success!

Until next time,
Urban Woman

Book Klub

Hello Urban Women,

To make up for my low number of posts in Sept I thought I would start mega posting for Oct. By the way, Oct means 10 because it's the 10th month. Think about it, Octomom, octopation etc. So random!

One of the hot trends for 2012 (yes, Urban Women, I am already looking into trends for next year) is exchanging the letter c for the letter k. For example, book Klub instead of club, or halloween kostume instead of costume. This sort of hip grammar will win you tons of "likes" on facebook.

Because the days are getting shorter and the moon kycles are on repeat I thought it would be perfekt to share some of the kool books I've been kheckin' out. In order to be urban, you need to know about literature and who is on the hot 100 list in the newspaper each week. I guarantee you will get so into these reads that your nights will soon bekome days again. This blog is also a shout out to all my urban women in my book klub-they've been dying to get their names mentioned on my blog-here it is gurls!

Harry Potter Series by He Who Shall Not Be Named
This book is a total sensation. It is the true story of an author who kept having extra terrestrial experiences at her highschool. She documents them in the style of a novel that is totally easy to read. If you like magic, romance, red heads, and freak weather you will love this book. It is a master tale about the dark arts.

John Grisham by John Grisham
Some of you may have heard Johnny Grish's name being thrown around in more academic circles, but I credit myself for being the first to bring him into the mainstream. This dudes books are basically texts for any sort of lawyer. You will be on the edge of your seat and flipping pages so fast you may need to stop half way through for a paraffin wax treatment. Check him out! Although I've never actually seen him, I am guessing he looks like a young Richard Gere.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson
I have always wanted a dragon tattoo myself, but my dolphin tattoo covers up most of my lower back. Anyway, the title is what got me jazzed on this read. The title is virtually synonymous with "Urban Woman". This is the first book in a series of 3.The second book is titled (in Urban translation) The Urban Pyro, and the third, Urban Exterminator. The trilogy follows a total urban superhero woman. She eats some of my favourite recipes (fish paste on bread with unpasteurized cheese), loves to shop at Ikea, and has a last name that rhymes with salamander. Love her!

Little Women by Louisa May Alcott
This is more of a classic weight loss tale. I found it really inspiring when I was trying to get my bikini body back after I over indulged in shaped cheese biscuits one time at Book Klub. Each of you will relate to someone different in this story of midget ladies.

Sailor Moon Graphic Novel by animation
This little gem is another one of my predictions for 2012, I have a feeling it is going to go VIRAL! It is a totally easy read with really cool pics about planet-hopping and having really big eyes. Keep your eyes peeled for hot merchandise. Good bye Hello Kitty, Hello Sailor Moon.

Hope you enjoy my Oct book Klub pics! The drawing below represents how in the olden days (when things were only black and white)urban women used to read topless because they had their bras burnt at the stake if they were caught reading. Sometimes they became so adept at undercover reading they could do it with their eyes closed. This is a totally gorgeous flashback to the days of yore.

Until next time,

Urban Woman

Hello, my name is Urban Woman, and I'm a first aider!

Hello Urban Women,

I have taken some time away from blogging not because I have blog-burnout, but because I have been totally preoccupied with my new role as a life saver. No, I'm not a medical doctor, or a

9-1-1 operator, but I am an Urban First Aider. I have been involved in fixing so many fashion, etiquette, and trend emergencies lately! I thought I would post them so all of my loyal followers would know that being Urban is not so easy afterall.

Urban Emergencies

You notice one of your best g.fs has total man hands

FIRST AID: Think about buying your pal a pair of sexy gloves that she can wear while she is in public. I've given away so many pairs of faux fur and pleather gloves lately I just cannot afford it anymore. I've started to buy magic gloves at the dollar store-I usually attach some press on nails to the finger tips so 'man hands' can still look and feel sexy

After using the internets to find the hottest new trends you come across wannabe Urban Woman Websites

FIRST AID: These are the more pathetic urban emergencies, because it is amazing how easily people can be led astray by counterfeit urbanites. When I find out about Urban Woman Infidels I usually get my hacker friends (some of you may have heard of her...Lisbeth Salander), to go into their computer and reroute all webpages back to Urban Woman. While this fee can get hefty, I know all of you first aiders are totally committed to making my page a hit. No offense Lipstick Jungle.

You are out at a restaurant and you notice the couple next to you is out on their first date. You begin to pay attention to the vibes the couple is exchanging and realise the woman is totally suburban and is talking to her date about country lace drapes.

FIRST AID: This requires immediate intervention which really gets my adrenalin pumping-not only can you save a life, but there is potential for a new convert! In this situation I actually pass the casualty an Urban First Aid Kit. The contents are as follows:

-a Bob the Builder band-aid

-gemstone chandelier earrings

-a print out of relevant blog editions

-a premixed banana liquer shooter

-a faux cell phone/pager

-Lady Gaga's latest album

-list of conversation dos and donts (speak in a pitch slightly higher than your normal voice; purse your lips frequently; share all of your fantasies-for example, Mariah Carey's song Fantasy, American Idol winner Fantasy Barrino, your fantasy life as a Simms character etc; reference the time you spent as a Facebook consultant; do not mention country drapes, your desire to live more simply, or your plans for your next haircut)

After receiving the first aid kit the casualty usually disappears to the bathroom, comes back looking like a totally new woman and begins to wow her date! This really is what gives my job purpose and meaning.

I was out trendspotting and came across these funky must have heels. They are on the cutting edge of fashion-note how the lace sockette is actually part of the shoe. The model wearing these shoes is clearly a slut (note the ankles), if I were styling this photo shoot I probably would have added some ankle chains, and a tensor bandage to make the ankle appear more classy. I would also have toenail extenders that would reach the tip of the shoe.

Thanks to all of my readers who inspire me to continue saving lives.

Until next time,

Urban Woman

Love These!

Hello Urban Women,

Couldn't resist sharing this awesome pedi-look with you! Hope you take the time to read the Urban Fairytale posted earlier this week.

Until next time!

Urban Woman

Fairytale of the Urban Sort

Hello Urban Women,

Some bedtime reading for y'all-share this story with all of your G.Fs! You are going to laugh, cry, and basically you will be a better person for reading this mesmorizing tale.

Once upon a time there was a gorgeous woman who lived right in the city centre.

She took part in all of the urban trends and people recognized her whether she was strutting her stuff uptown, downtown, or midtown. Her name was Arlene and she was a fair beauty.

One day a jealous competitor tripped Arlene right on the blvd!

This was devastational because Arlene was wearing 6 inch stiletto heels and a dog collar.

She fell to the concrete and realised her heel had snapped off and her face was covered with contusions and had gravel bits stuck all over her open wounds. To make matters worse she had just had a microderm abrasian treatment-all for nothing!

Arlene was too stunned to chase after the assailant, so she hobbled to the closest pay phone booth and paged her personal assistant who immediately sent her a Western Union Money Order to hire a private detective. Arlene hobbled home and treated herself to a dozen mocha licker treats. She had to spend the rest of the week in bed which totally cramped her Urban style. How could she continue to be the trend setter she was if people weren't seeing her at her local haunts? How could she blog when her eyes were swollen shut with shards of gravel?

To her delight, the private detective finally arrived at her doorstep to get the details on the assailant. He happened to be a total stud (5'3", dark curly shoulder-length hair, shiny finger nails, and gold capped teeth). She was so horrified that her face had not healed-her reputation was at stake! So she hid behind her eye patch and mock turtleneck style bathrobe. The P.I. claimed that he would do everything within his power to bring justice for Arlene.

After a day or two of investigation the P.I. was unable to come up with any suspects, he went back to the scene of the crime and found nothing. He reported daily to Arlene on his findings and as time went on she got more and more disheartened.

One day the P.I. arrived at her door and asked her: "Arlene, why is your face always covered?" she replied shyly: "You may know me as a beauty, but at this moment, I look like nothing more than a suburban beast". He gently stroked her forearm and said: "If I find out who did this to you, your payment will be no more than to show me your face".

When a few more days had come and gone Arlene began to lose hope completely. Her face was not healing, because she had refused to go to the doctor due to complications with the paparazzi. It wasn't until the detective paged her and asked for the details of her stiletto heels she was wearing the day of the incident. When she described the faux-wood spikes he gasped in delight.

Moments later he arrived at her doorstep with her broken off heel in his hand. He explained that he had found it wedged in between a crack in the sidewalk. They both realised the  culprit had planted it there to make it appear as though Arlene had an unfortunate 'accident' (a most horrifying word in the Urban lexicon). Nonetheless, Arlene agreed to take off her eyepatch and robe to reveal her face as payment for his services.

When she did, the detective's face lit up. All of the bits of gravel implanted in her face had turned to rhinestones. She was sparkling and more beautiful than ever.

Arlene and the private detective ended up going into a Feng Shui Consultation/Home Waxing Kit business together.

Hope you enjoyed this inspirational tale. It is one of many stories I have written and am collecting to bind into a limited edition special print adult Urban fairytale volume.

Until next time,

Urban Woman, PhD in making creative memories

Skin Caress

Hello Urban Women,

With so many big events going on this September I thought it would be vital for me to do a feature on skin care. We all know that looking good is a recipe:

1 part fabulous outfit
1 part gorgeous heels
1 part trendy make up
2 parts glowing skin
3 parts da bomb attitude

With this season's trends let me just say; MORE is MORE! Hopefully you find a sexy little tube dress that will show off your summer glistening skin. In preparing my skin for a big occassion such as a wedding, cockatil party, awards ceremony, or quiet night at home I usually use a layering approach.

Layer 1: In the shower I ensure that I exfoliate with a sheet of mid - course sand paper. You can get this at your local hardware shop. Don't be cheap with the paper...if you find your skin is a little red after getting out of the shower just wait for the next step!

Layer 2: Pat your skin dry and apply a thick coat "Kerri Silky Smooth" lotion, if you can't afford Kerri Silky Smooth, then consider using a wannabe product, just don't blame me if your results aren't quite as good

Layer 3: Spray on SPF. I like to use the one designed for kids that sprays on purple and disappears after a few moments. This way you are sure not to miss any bits.

Layer 4: Self tanner-mid strength. After I put a thin coat all over my body I usually help myself to a litre of carrot juice with 6 oz of vodka. The carrot juice (after a regular drinking regimen) helps to give your skin an orangey glow from the inside out. The Vodka causes some first stage liver failure which provides a yellowish jaundicey glow (my doc said this was totally nothing to be concerned about). Together with the self tanner, the colour is an ab fab sunkissed looked, but without the damage of the suv rays!

Layer 5: Leg foundation. This really just evens out any flaws or discoloration you may have. For example, moles, scars, pock marks, or patches of hair you missed while you were shaving.

Layer 6: This is one of the most important steps because it provides that final 'wow factor'. Mix glitter into a tub of vaseline and rub everywhere. I recommend giving yourself at least 15 minutes before getting dressed.

Hope you keep that skin glowing throughout the year ladies!

Until next time,

Urban Woman

Water Cooler Gossip

Hello Urban Women,

Happy September. I hope you all took some time out of your day to decorate your front stoops in true autumn style. I pulled some leaves off the trees and spray painted them in gorgeous hues of yellow, orange, and burnt sienna and glued them to the front steps to create a totally fall atmosphere. I also mulled some wine and put it in a dispenser on my front porch so guests can have a warm libation on their way into the house. Pumpkin carving next weekend!



At this time of the year things tend to really slow down. The kids are back at school and work can feel like a real drag. One sure way to jazz up your day is to spend some time chillin at the water cooler. Obviously I would never imagine drinking the water from the cooler considering all those people have manhandled the spout, but I do bring my mineral water with a twist of lime and commit to starting up some fantastic gossip. Here are some sure ways to get the rumours flying:

1. Did you hear about Ernest buying his wife a back waxing gift certificate for their anniversary? I think it would be better used on her unibrow personally...

2. I accidentally opened Cindy's email inbox and saw she had written a heartfelt note to Jenny Craig. On the work clock? Unbelievable...

3. I seen Johnson steal a pack of Bic pens from the office supply cabinet and stick the box into his fanny pack. Isn't stealing a fellony?

If you finish any of these phrases with a "don't tell anyone" you can guarantee that people will tell someone! Don't get me wrong, as an Urban Woman, I am not a gossip, but this is all in good fun. You also must know that I have been the recipient of this type of silly prank...I once heard someone say: "Who puts a chicken wing in their ceasar?" I knew it was a joke because anyone that reads my blog would know that chicken ceasers are on the cutting edge of cocktails.

Stay jazzy!

Until next time,

Urban Woman