Yuletide Sacrilege

Hello Urban Women,

This time of the year always gets me thinking about my spiritual femininity as an Urban Woman. While I was busy making macaroni angels as giveaways for my annual Yuletide Bash and singing along to Boney M, I had some time to think. Most recently the miracle of the Virgin Mary (not to be confused with the fab cocktail Bloody Mary) has been on my mind. How did she manage to stay so pure and yet have it all? You know, a husband who wasn't an ass,  but rode an ass, a totally natural manger birth, and a celeb son-all with her hymen intact! People are paying good money for hymen reconstruction these days. It seems like Mary was the original Urban Woman.

I have decided to take a tweet from Mary's twitter account and make my life a little more like hers. Here are some of my ideas that you could DIY.

Fact: Mary followed the stars to get to the manger.

Instead of following the stars I have decided to create my own starlight in my bedroom so I can gaze all night long. This is a simple DIY project.
1. Get out a saw and cut a hole in the ceiling
2. go to the local hardware store (obviously wearing your tightest fitting mini with a tool belt accessory) and pick up a roll of see-through plastic
3. staple plastic around the ceiling hole to stop weather, insects, and an excess of stardust from falling inside

Fact: Mary used hay as an interior decorating accessory.

I have taken my upholstery and pulled all the stuffing out and replaced it with hay.

Fact: Mary has songs written about her.

I am hoping my blog will inspire someone to sing about me. My agent has reported that there is some interest from the likes of Ke$ha, Sheena Easton and Lance Bass! I can just hear it:

Away in an Urban Loft,
No King for a bed,
The petite Urban Woman
has extensions covering her head.

The stars in the ceiling,
Look down every night,
And Little Urban Woman
is so thin, she has no appetite.

 If you aren't as famous as me think about purchasing some little lambs to get noticed on the streets.

Fact: Mary appears in many famous paintings.

I have been taking a lot of selfies lately and instagramming the shit out of them.


Mary Christmas!

Until next time,

Urban Woman

Back to Skool

Hello Urban Women,

First of all a shout out to all the Urban Women who have inspired my return to the blogosphere!

There is nothing more difficult to manage than summer coming to an end and the thought of returning to school  (aka skool if you are one of the new generation). After a few months of perpetual pedis, pool side bbqs, and frosted tips it can be a real bummer to imagine sitting in your desk with a broken stylus, (I still don't know where to find a sharpener) and learning about World War Z.

I can recall a particular incident in my youth when I was ridiculed by the class president for wearing my jazzy new jeans inside out. Apparently I had misunderstood the fashions of hip hop legendz Kris Kross. Being the chic youngster that I was I quickly recovered by explaining that wearing your pants inside out allowed your full pocket exposure thereby mitigating the risk of being accused of carrying around a banana. Instead, I was genuinely happy to see people. You can probably guess that all the kids showed up to school the next day wearing their pants inside out! The pocket pool club was shortly disbanded.

Here are some Urban suggestions to beat the back to skool blues:

1. Go Jurassic

Almost everyone I know is inspired by the majesty of dinosaurs. Why not march that dino flare right into the classroom with one of these funky tale accessories. They can be paired with extra long dino toenails. Some say it's extreme, but I think it would be totally rad to get the tendons in your arms shortened to make your arms seem even more dino-licious!



2. Jazz up Your Skool Supply Kit

Not everyone can take a backpack (or emu feather satchel) full of school supplies to the next level-but with Urban Woman these easy fun supplies are at your fingertips!

Fun with Feathers Pens with Dangler Accessory

Miley Cyrus isn't the only one who knows how to twerk. These fab pens will make your booty shake so hard that you may need to use one of these colourful glitter feathers to replace those that got bounced right off of your nip tassel!

 

 

Creative Buttons will Jazz up your Denim Vest

 

Home made buttons have been on my radar since the 2012 school year. Obviously the ones pictured above have really inspirational messages to help Urban Woman touch the hearts of their peers. If you get your hands on your own button maker try out some of these totally urban messages:

 

-Live Life

-Lollipops are for Suckers

-Urban Mania

-Floss don't Brush

-Netflix has a one month Free TRIAL! Sign up now

 

Steam up Your Love Life



This miniature steamer is a must have for back to school. No one wants to be caught with a dried on ramen noodle in the locker room or worse yet a smear of mayonnaise from your latest deep hair conditioning treatment. Keep this mini steamer in your locker for all sorts of blunders! It also doubles as a mini facial station with the steam it blows off. Charge your gal pals 5$ to stop by and get their skin rejuvenated at recess.

 

I sure hope these great tips will help you all ease back into the Skool year feeling confident and cool. Here is to an A+ this year!

 

Until next time,

 

Urban Woman

Confessions from the April Fool

Hello Urban Women,

 Spring often brings about flirty, fresh, and funky attitudes in Urban dwelling women.  However, the first day of April may be met with some hesitation because no one wants to be caught actin' a fool. That is why I thought it would be fun to share some of the freakiest confessions I have received from my fans relating to April Fool's Day. These stories should get you giggling with your girl pals over a cal-free mojito* (see below for recipe) and reminding you that whatever bad luck you have recently had, its not that bad!

Beach Bummer

I had a totally mortifying moment last April Fools Day that I just cannot live down!  Last April I had planned a romantic getaway at the beach with my boy toy. Since our relationship had been on the rocks, I thought I better do something totally crazy to grab my guys attention and show him how much I care. I planned a sexy beach candle lit dinner and planned to wear nothing but a sand bikini. I had purchased some special epoxy glue at the hardware store, applied it to my bikini zones and rolled in the sand to cover my lady bits. When my boyfriend came down to the beach for dinner he barely even noticed my outfit. I stood up and reached over the table to serve him some steaming hot minute rice and the sand drizzled all over his plate. He complained throughout the whole meal that his rice was gritty! When he finally noticed my sexy bikini he said: "Ariel has always been my least favourite Disney Princess". Boy oh boy do I ever wish I would have stuck with my original plan to wear a coat made of dalmatian fur.

-Brandie B

Doggy Daycare

 

My roommate's little brother was coming over to dog sit while my roommate went away for spring break. I have always had a crush on him and have been too shy to tell my roommate. I thought having some alone time would be a perfect way to get to know each other and maybe even fool around! The first night he came over to feed the dog I was waiting by the door wearing my brown flannelette pyjamas and the dog's collar. I thought it would be playful and cute to pretend to be a naughty dog that he needed to take for a walk. I waited on all fours by the door and when he arrived he gave me a really weird look. I got nervous and peed through my flannelettes. He slipped on the pee and dislocated his jaw. Talk about a doggy disaster!

-Cloris L.

Gas Leak

 

My steady Urban Stallion has been a long time prankster. On April Fool's day we decided to have a quiet night at home watching Animal Planet reruns. As we started to get snuggly I noticed the room started to smell really pungent. When I asked him if he noticed the smell he said he did and he went to check our gas metre in the basement. He came back and told me there must be a leak, but not to worry because it wasn't the deadly kind of gas. The smell got worse and worse throughout the night until I vomited and had to spend the night in the backyard in a tent to get some fresh air. The next morning my boyfriend confessed that it was him who had gas the whole time! He totally fooled me!

-Pam J.



 

 

These confessions remind us to keep our Urban cool even when in the most humiliating of circumstances. To enjoy these stories with your besties think about having each friend adapt a character, create a voice, avatar, and persona and read the confessions with a silly accent!

 

 

Cal-Free Mojito

1 cup seltzer water (if you only have tap water just add bubbles by blowing through a colourful straw)

1 tbsp green food die

Garnish with a mojito

Enjoy!

 

Until next time,

 

Urban Woman

Place Your Bet: it's Award Season!

Hello Urban Women,

I hope my absence from the blogging world did not alarm you. Believe me, I wasn't slacking, nor was getting reconstructive surgery on my bunions (at least not for the whole time). What was I doing, you ask? Well, I was getting ready for Award Season, one of my fave times to glue myself to the boob tube (a retro vintage term for the T.V). I'm hoping Urban Woman will be your go-to blog to check out the fashion of the stars, Oscar hopefuls, and my personal bets on who is going to go home a hero with a shiny new medal around his/her neck. Being a member of the Academy allows me to get some inside information that few others are privy to...let's just say Ryan Seacrest can't get close to my status even when he's wearing his most discrete platforms.

Let's begin by reviewing some of the shiniest moments on the Golden Globes red carpet!

 

Here you can see America's Sweetheart Reese Weatherspoon sporting Urban Woman's favourite trend: The plunging V. Reese's choice red for her second gown was extra slimming because when she stepped onto the red carpet she virtually disappeared, taking at least 6 sizes directly off the waistline-the paparazzi couldn't get enough of this Illegally Blonde Bombshell.

 

In this pic you can see Eva Mendes, J-Lo's red haired cousin, sporting a tooth enamel-white ultra sensual floor length gown. It became fairly obvious to me that the embellishment on the front of the dress is to camouflage  Eva's never been waxed Disco Bush. These clever tactics are what has kept this starlet around long enough to date Hollywood hunk Ryan Gosling.

 

These trends will obviously continue to the Oscars-you will likely notice higher than high heels, man-perms and celebrities with fragrances. My trend intuition is saying that merkin fascinators are going to be the biggest buzz around town. Keep your eyes peeled-men, women, children-no one will be left behind!

Lance Armstrong sporting a merkin as he tries modelling to win his way back into the hearts of Sheryl Crow fans

 

 

Here are my predilictions for the Oscars
Kristen Stewart-Best Actress: Breaking Dawn Part 4
Kristen really does it all in this hot teen flic. Her ability to display a wide range of emotion from melancholy all the way to sad is inspiring.

Oprah Winfrey-The Oprah Winfrey Lifetime Achievement Award brought to you by Oprah Winfrey
If anyone deserves an award for lifetime achievement is our beloved Oprah-if it wasn't for her I wouldn't have a vision board in my room filled with inspirational quotations.

Osama Bin Laden-Best Actor, in a Supporting Role: Zero Dark Thirty
Osama plays himself, only dead. My mind was blown at how still he stayed while he was dead, even when I looked close he didn't flinch.

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter-Best Picture
The buzz surrounding Daniel Day Lewis' performance is sure to get a nod at the Oscar's this year. This film is a mesmerising tale of an American President who travels to transylvania for an epic battle. It'll keep you on the edge of your fiscal cliff!

Happy viewing!

Until next time,
Urban Woman