Because I am a total fighter (think Christina Aguilera meets Kim Kardashian) I thought I would share some of my tips on how to manage the apocolypse circa 2012. There are certain elements of this event that seem really psychic to me. For example, the end of the world is scheduled to come on December 21. If you flip around 21 you get the number 12. And December is the 12 month of the Mayan year. For those of you who may not have heard about this epic event in our life time, I have written an abridgement to get you up to speed. I am only sharing this information because if all the Urban Women get wiped out evolution will need to start again...
2012 in a Nutshell
A long time ago, like probably the last century, a woman named Maya was trying to plan a trip to Mexico. She was putting on her favourite shade of lip liner (apocolptic red) and accidentally dropped her flip phone in the sink. It got totally ruined. She was devastated because all of her travel plans had been saved on her phone. She dried it out with her hair dryer and went into the calendar only to find that it stopped counting at 2012. She understood this as a message from the cosmos. She has a similar story about her typewriter breaking down on Y2K.
She wrote her beliefs about the end of the world in an old book of papyrus paper and incorrectly dated it (because her calendar was broken). Instead of going to Mexico on holidays she glued photos of ancient South American civilizations from a national geographic magazine into her parchment scrapbook. She lost her big scrapbook/journal with her luggage and it was never recovered.
Scientists just found her notes recently and they have become really afraid that January will no longer follow December and are trying to get the information to the masses. You can imagine how this sort of thing would mess up the zodiac and people who were normally born in January would never have been born at all if a different month came first. This is how the world would end. It's basically like rewind for any human who has been alive. There is talk of zombies and that would be super awesome for me because I have an incredibly sexy Zombie Stripper costume.
Scientists just found her notes recently and they have become really afraid that January will no longer follow December and are trying to get the information to the masses. You can imagine how this sort of thing would mess up the zodiac and people who were normally born in January would never have been born at all if a different month came first. This is how the world would end. It's basically like rewind for any human who has been alive. There is talk of zombies and that would be super awesome for me because I have an incredibly sexy Zombie Stripper costume.
Urban Survival Guide
1. get yourself to the nearest bomb shelter/underground lair and try to make it comfortable by dangling dog tags for decor.
2. stock up on energy drinks and any snacks that are high in glucose/fructose or corn syrup (now is not the time for calorie counting. Eat every 25 minutes to maintain a stream of energy incase you need to battle anyone.
3. distill your urine-it can come in handy as an acne treatment if the world does end. amonia does wonders for the skin.
4. devise a buddy system: this is to ensure you are always looking fab-you can trade a camoflauge scarf for combat boots to keep your 'end of world soldier girl' look fresh each day
5. think of all the inspiring stories of people who have gone before you for a greater cause such as Mother Theresa, Amy Winehouse, Katniss Everdeen and the people's princess-Lady Di.
6. For your bunker playlist consider Destiny's Child's "Survivor," Survivor's "Eye of the Tiger," or Miley Cyrus' "The Climb"
6. if you come across any sort of alien, zombie, unicorn or other creature of the night have a pocket full of hard candies to use as peace offerings. I hear mystical apocolyptic creatures love scotch mints! To make it extra special think about putting a monogram on each mint-like UW for Urban Woman, or PE for Planet Earth.
6. For your bunker playlist consider Destiny's Child's "Survivor," Survivor's "Eye of the Tiger," or Miley Cyrus' "The Climb"
6. if you come across any sort of alien, zombie, unicorn or other creature of the night have a pocket full of hard candies to use as peace offerings. I hear mystical apocolyptic creatures love scotch mints! To make it extra special think about putting a monogram on each mint-like UW for Urban Woman, or PE for Planet Earth.
I sure hope these handy dandy tips keep you alive! Another thing-bring your computer or smart phone with you along with a generator to keep it running. We all know the only time the world will actually end is when Urban Woman stops blogging (or you stop reading!).
Until next time,
Urban Woman
1 comment:
AHHAHAHHAHA-
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