Ghosts of Labour Day

Hello Urban Women, 

As Labour Day is fast approaching I thought to myself, how can I be a better supporter of other Urban Women's journalistic talents? You know, the real labourers in our urban society. Being one of the pioneers of creative thinking I hired a very special gal to ghost write (for those of you unfamiliar with the term, think spirit from beyond with a magic pen) an exclusive editorial. Obviously, i am becoming far too busy on my Healthy Nail, Healthy Life seminar tour to be keeping up with my blog. So sit back, light your e-cig, and get jazzed for my guest star: Municipal Mistress!

Municipal Mistress' Guide to an Urban Woman Glam Labour Day

Now that summer is wrapping up, it’s time to start planning your star-studded Labour Day affair. It’s important to note that this holiday does not apply to true Urban Women because it is not a day of rest from labour. When you are basically a luminary, a day off is simply not an option. Perfection is laborious. 

This is my suffragette mantra: If it’s not a day off for the Paparazzo, then it’s not a day off for the Urban Woman.

BBQ Assemblage:

The BBQ assembly line should be ultra-efficient for your star guest list. Insert ketchup, mustard, tahini and relish into medium sized water guns, preferably Super-Soaker 300s for maximum squirt potential. I suggest BBQing indoors, on your bedroom heat register for a hot meaty stench, all weekend long. And ladies, your late-night summer booty calls will thank you! 

Attire: 

One Direction is all the rage in the Europes, and the garb is flossy. I recommend sporting an adorb aprons naked, after ingesting of a bottle of self-tanner. Urban Women should be mega-bronzed while wearing white. This exclusive beauty secret will have that tawny glow rising out of your pores by cocktail hour…you’re welcome! 

But keep in mind - it would be fashion desecration to wear white after Labour Day. Be sure to slip into a dark fur onezie by at least 11:30pm and avoid sacrilege.      

DIY Birdfeeder:

Enjoy a bird entourage all fall long with this eco-friendly DIY project:

- 1 ziplocked baggie

- 1 dead maus

- 4 live worms

- Tang fruit punch

- 1 scoop of Harvest Crunch cereal

- 1 tsp Metamucil

1. Place dead maus on top of live worms, inside ziplocked baggie. Progressive Urban Women will caramelize maus in Metamucil to foster healthy bowel schedules in birds. 

2. Pour pre-mixed Tang fruit punch into ziplocked baggie before dusting Harvest Crunch cereal over entire contents of the mixture.

3. Ziplock baggie, and fasten to tree or tiki torch with gold hooped earrings for best results.

Now kick back, unwind and wait for the friendly bird frenzy to begin!

Until next time, 

Urban Woman & Municipal Mistress

Summer Fadz

Hello Urban Women,

Summer is just around the corner and a few of my top trend spotters around the globe have been alerting me of some of this season's must haves. From the beach to the mini golf course these new looks will get you feeling fab. I've also highlighted a few ways to avoid summer blunders. After all, Urban Women are always prepared.

Swimwear

Ever feel like you wanted to show off your true self? Inside and out? This ultra chic one piece bikini will accomplish all that and more. I usually go to the children's store and buy some felt food cutouts and pin them to the large intestine so people can see how totally healthy my diet is. As you can see this suit is paired perfectly with some chunky army boots.

 

 

For the Urban Man: This one sided sling thong is the perfect blend of comfort and style, allowing men to show off their oh-so-sexy pubis zone! While it may take a little bit of time to groom around the tennis ball area, dudes can feel free to accessorize with a merkin (pubic wig) to peacock their manhood. These fab swimmers come in sizes x-small to xx-large and dare I say all of them are xxx!

 

 

 

Summer Bloopers

Most of you gals can probably relate to that uncomfortable feeling you get in your tummy after a day in the sun and sand, sipping mocktails and flirting with the lifesavers! It can totally poop you out if you know what I mean! These glitzy pills can turn a totally embarrassing explosion into a golden opportunity.

 

 

Sunburns can hurt your skin as well as your ego. Instead of letting the UVAs get your down use your SPF to create a daring diva look that will show off your wild side.  Possibilities are endless with this trendy body art-a simple love heart on the lower back to a full out zebra stripe. Paired with a  kick butt straw cowboy hat and Carly Rae Jepson's new smash hit single, you have a beach bash in the making!



 

 

 

Don't forget to add this timeless tune to your playlist!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lqNXE07fKuw

 

 

Until next time,

 

Urban Woman

DIY-Urban

Hello Urban Women,

Spring is in the air and DIYs are all over the cloud. Kim and Kanye are hosting a DIY wedding planned entirely by professionals, Lady Gaga has created a new line of DIY cellophane contact lenses, and Mother Earth is sprouting her very own DIY grass. We all know the austerity measures in Europe and abroad can lead to penny pinching and unbalanced budgets. This is why DIYS are the new way to spruce up your life on a shoestring.

I thought I would take some time to share some of my very favourite Urban style Do It Yourself projects to give a fresh touch to your life!

DIY Blog

Many say blogging is the original DIY. I agree, because I have been blogging for so long and I basically started the DIY movement. I know I've encouraged many of you struggling urban women to start your own blogs to get support for some of your everyday struggles. For example, if you have ever felt like no one cared about you, blogging is one sure way to prove to yourself that everyone wants to read about every meaningless thought you've ever had. Here is an easy how-to!

-Dig out any old/current diaries/journals/medical records
-Type them out
-Post on the web
-Add some funky graphics (side boob is really impressive these days)

DIY Breakfast in Bed

Breakfast in bed is usually best enjoyed after a cray night out at the hottest new tequila bar, so I prefer to do all the prep work ahead of time so that my when I wake up to smell the coffee I need not do anything other than roll over to enjoy a luxurious meal in my Disney princess bedsheets!

Night before Prep
-Place a nespresso pod in your camelbak aquifer, add water.
-Place under pillow to keep warm

-Throw an egg in the microwave for 45 seconds on defrost (this will stop the shell from drying out.)
-Place egg on stylish tray fashioned from a pallet (pallets are all the rage in the DIY community)
-Place loaf of bread on radiator to toast overnight

 

DIY Fragrance

DIY perfumes are one of the smelling industries biggest secrets. Brittney Spears, Justin Beiber, and Axe Body Spray don't want you to know just how simple and cost effective it can be to design your very own customized fragrance. Follow these easy steps to increase your scent profile!

1. Go to local store and pick up a bottle of Febreeze "New Car Scent"
2. Find your closest greenhouse and collect the flowers that have fallen off the plants in a non-transparent bag (pleather is my fave)
3. Muddle the flowers in the Febreeze
4. This is the fun part! Add any of the following ingredients to customize your scent

Eau de Toilette- this one speaks for itself! I prefer to use water that is fresh after flushing
Musk-add a dash of dog hair
Jasmine-decorate your diffuser with this Disney Princess's voluptuous figure
Woody-Throw some toothpicks into the blender to add some texture and grit to your fragrance
Sexy Devil- Use sulphur from your nearest hotspring to bring out your naughty side
Love Potion-Add 69 mls of pheromones (easily collected from the dead skin found in armpits or saliva glands)

Use a turkey baster to apply your new fragrance to all of your sexiest pulse points. Traditionally these have been your neck, behind your knees and in your cleavage. Since I consider myself to me a modern woman, I prefer to baste my entire body in the perfume to ensure that no one can leave my luxurious smell behind!


If I can do it, you can DIY too!

Until next time,

Urban Woman

Urban Woman FAQs

Hello Urban Women,

Lately I've noticed that the majority of my time is spent responding to my fan mail. I'm hoping that by blogging some of your top Qs I will have more time to dedicate to some of my other ventures, like my new slimming beauty hosiery line for children. This should serve as a quick guide to everything you need to know about me and my Urban Lifestyle.

Q: Urban Woman, why are you so pretty?
A: Well ladies, let's just say my look is the perfect fusion of genes, jeans, and nip tuck. 

Q: How did you get your start in the blogosphere?
A: Since I was a baby I loved fashion, entertaining and living life to the fullest. My mom tells a super cute story about me that I just have to share!
When I was two years old I was like, "Mom, can you drop me off at the strip mall?"
And she was like, "No way, you're credit card is maxed".
And I was like, "But mom, there is a mega blow out at the Tommy Hilfinger outlet store... Puh leeeese".
So my mom dropped me off and I bought a faux fur vest on layaway.

Q: Who are your role models Urban Woman?
A: Obviously I don't have the time to name every person who has had a major influence on my life, but here are some of my top picks! 
Donna Joe Tanner
Bella Swan
Tiffany Amber Thiessen
Chris Gaines
 
Q: When you order a sub do you get regular mayo or low fat?
A: I usually bring my own special sauce that is the perfect combo of sweet and savoury.

Urban Woman's Special Sub Sauce
1 part apple juice
1 part Heinz bean gravy
1/2 part MSG
Shake well and enjoy

 Q: What advice would you give to to someone who wants to be less rural and more urban (and also struggles with Rosacea)?

A: First of all what a great question. This can be a really tough transition but I admire you for taking the first steps. It can be a shocker to go from rural to urban in one fell swoop. I recommend you take a couple of jaunts into the big city to slowly get a feel for the urban vibe. Make sure to pack your stilettos and some extra cover up (for the rosacea). Consider hitting up some of the hottest clubs during the day to plan out which speaker you may want to dance on when you decide to venture out for a night on the town. Another fun idea is to take a taxi to your fave fast food hotspot so you get a sense of having your own driver. And remember-non stop selfies so you can scrapbook your rise to urbandom.
 
Q: How do you achieve balance in your ultra busy uber urban life?
A: When I go to the gym I really focus on my core strength. Not only does this lead to the ultra bikini bod, but it also helps me stay upright when wearing my highest heels in an ice storm.
  Keep those questions coming ladies!

Until next time,
Urban Woman

Olym-Picks

Hello Urban Women,

Today's blog is dedicated to the 2014th Olympiad. There has been tons of crazy hype leading up to the games all the way from what Jennifer Lawrence will be wearing on the podium to the latest Putin toppings (did someone say extra gravy?). I have always loved cheering on the buff urban athletes from my neck of the woods because they look great in spandex onesies and they usually know the entire national anthem-unlike the other sports heroes I've crushed on in the past who usually have to hum at least a few bars.

Sochi is the host city of this Feb's games. When I think Russia I think vodka (pronounced wod-ka)! Here is an Olympic cocktail sure to win a gold!

Soooo-Totally-Chi Vodka Cocktail

-Add one ounce vodka to a blender along with a drop or two of sweat from your fave athlete
-blend with snow from the polar ice caps 
-serve in a trophy (I use the mini replica of the Stanley cup I won in my ladies bowling league)
-garnish with a laurel headband
-you can add food colouring to represent a person's personality or their favourite Olympic ring

 



My Olym-Picks

Here are my best guesses for gold this winter!

Johnny Weir

Easily confused with KD Lang, this diva can triple  sow-cow like no other! His love for fine faux furs and the hetero-agenda make him a top gold medal contender. Please note his penny shaped nips which expand while he catches a chill on the ice.

The Jamaican Bobsled Team

Bobsled has always been one of my fave events because of how it titillates me. I mean, who doesn't like watching a fast moving phallus careen down an ice canal? I have high hopes for Jamaica this year because they finally put John Candy on a low carb diet.

 

Quatchi

The search is over Urban Women! The sasquatch was right under our noses this whole time! Hailing from Vancouver, BC, Quatchi is representin' for all the Bigfoots. He will most likely win the medal for creating happy hearts and memories!

 

Olympic Trendz

• Create a jazzy themed necklace by stringing red, yellow, green, blue and black lifesavers onto a piece of (used) dental floss to make an Olympic necklace
• Sport your gym clothes (paired nicely with ugg boots) in public all month to show that you too are an Olympic hopeful
• Have a marijuana cigarette with Michael Phelps
• Exchange all the window coverings in your house with either red or iron curtains

Until next time,
Urban Woman