I have been hearing a lot about beauty pageants on the social media these days and been having some totally mind expanding discussions on my nexopia and myspace pages. Some people seem to believe beauty contests are exploitative and archaic. To those people I say: What suburb are you from??? LOL! :) They also must not be very spiritual people because everyone knows Jesus invented the first pageant (see Christmas Pageant on wikipedia for more info).
Every Urban Woman dreams of being a beauty queen. Being admired for your looks, incredible talent, and general charm is one of the only ways to keep your self-esteem at a healthier than others level. It also really helps jazz up your portfolio (some people use the word resume, but I prefer portfolio because of the glossy pages and full booklet presentation I use to apply for employment). As you can imagine I was a beauty pageant princess myself...I have earned many sashes from beauty pageants that I still have dangling from the door jam to create a mystic curtain/room separater.
- Runner up for Miss Dainty Embryo* (selected from a series of ultrasound pics, in utero)
- Babeliest Babe Baby Contestant* (I was the only 3 month old in the entire pageant who didn't wipe my mascara off or get lipstick on my gums, 3 months circa 2003*)
- Miss Toddler N Tiara* (the whole tv show was basically my idea)
- 3rd Runner Up* Lady Pre-Tween (bee sting breasts in a push up bra along with a Kelly Clarkson lip sync are what won my way to the top!)
- Curvy Cowgirl honourable mention(4H's version of Miss Teen North America with a twang)
Lucky for me I had a hidden mic attached to one of my diamond studded chicken cutlets so I know exactly what I said and I am ready to share it with you all. This is my response verbata:
"Thank you AC Slater, thank you judges, and thank you universe for the honour you have bestowed upon me. First of all, if I were crowned miss Urban Universe I would use my title on my business cards, e-mail signature, and I'd get an engraved brass plate for my mailbox in the Urban Centre of my residence. It would be such an honour to let my supporters know who I am in any Urban setting. For example, if I was at an ATM I would probably autograph my cheque before I inserted it, just so my local bank would have something 'celebrity' to hang on the wall of their branch. Or during the summer months I would probably join the street children who do chalk drawings and teach them how to spell M.I.S.S U.R.B.A.N U.N.I.V.E.R.S.E. across every Urban street, side walk, and parking lot.
Most importantly, I would use my title to advocate that little girls everywhere have access to quality inexpensive 'flippers' to cover their shameful teeth. Having grown up in the pageant world I know how important it is to have a full set of shining white, slightly large teeth. It is the only thing that matters (at this point I get emotional-I also have a chopped onion hidden in my other chicken cutlet to help the tears begin to flow). Because of my sensitive and caring personality I would want every little Urban Girl to be proud of her smile. Each set of Miss Urban Universe Flippers would be dusted with love, glitter, and hope for the future. Thank you."
I followed this epic(some say prolific)response with a live reading and cooking demo of my most popular blog recipes (mocha lickers, yogurt tubers, chicken ceasers etc) and had the contestants from "Lady Pre-Tween" pass out samplers wearing their tube dress minis. The crowd went absolutely wild, along with the judges! I don't think I need to tell you who went on to win the contest...
Miss Urban Universe
*dates and prizes may have been modified to protect the writer
