Same, Same But Different

Hello Urban Women,

This blog post is about all the things that are the same, only slightly different. After reading this you should notice that you are better able to spot differences and have a better eye on diversity.

CSI Miami & CSI Original
These two classic crime solving series are virtually the same in terms of drama, fast paced action, celebrity cameos, and fantastic abilities to be an expert on everything. The main difference is geographical. Obviously one is set in Miami and the other one is in Las Vegas. Even though both cities are in California the cultures are very different. Horatio also seems to have a slightly higher profile than the un-named main character from Vegas. The other difference is Will Smith has a hit song called Miami.

Justin Beaver & Ellen Degeneres
These two top performers may share the same haircut but when you look closely you will find that Justin has a slightly more olive skin tone and Ellen has had a swagger coach for a little while longer, hence her dance moves.

Manicures & Pedicures
Both involve stylish sexy nails, a bubble bath, and radical nail art. The difference is one involves the hands and the other the feet. This can become confusion when thinking about pets, but for humans it is pretty obvi. Mani-comes from the word mannequin meaning hand model and Pedi comes from the word peddi cash which is what is usually used to give a tip to the salon owner. I recommend a daily dose of both!

Boxer Shorts & Tighty Whities
Some say under garments are under garments, but I say boxers and tighty whities are the same same, but different. For example, boxers have a wider leg and tighty whities aren't always white. Sometimes they are grey or brown or blue. In some cases they are bright yellow. On an Urban Man I prefer the classic lines of the y-front. But we all know that underneath a pair of wide leg exco jeans anything can look sexy!

Twins & Dopplegangers
Twins can be deceiving. Sometimes they look totally the same, but sometimes they are an illusion. Mary Kate and Ashley have always freaked me out in this way...note how they are never pictured together? Exactly. Dopplegangers are more like a fake twin, but 2 people can still share the same genetic make up even from across the world.

Frosted Tips & Gel Tips
These two types of style must haves can be confused because of their similarity (they both end with the word 'tips). Note that frosted tips are a total studly way to jazz up your locks (think the pop sensation boy band B44) and gel tips are the only way to keep your fingers looking slender and natural. If you were to pair them together you would probably start getting tips for being so fashion forward! Money, money, money!

Keep your eyes to the ground for these tricky things that can seem deceiving. After all, we are all Urban Women, yet most of you are looking up to me! Same same, but different.

Until next time,

Urban Woman

How to Put the Sexy in Your Halloween Costume

Hello Urban Women,

Halloween is just around the corner-I hope all of you have planned your Monster Bash party for the weekend and better yet, have your costumes ready for Monday, Oct 31! Did I mention how glad I am that Halloween does not fall on Friday the 13th this year?

While most of you have probably been prepping your costumes since July 4th (go independence day! I love you Will Smith!), I still thought it would be helpful to throw some tips your way.

Here are some of my fave costume ideas for 2011. Remember that it is always the safest bet to include an over the top (OTT!) sexual inuendo-this tends to help people lower their inhibitions and have a way cool time.

-Pam Anderson (circa 1999)
-The Cable Guy
-Provocative Vampire (think Kristin Steward mixed with Buffy St. Marie)
-Naughty Girl Guide (bring some of your fave cookies to hand out as party pleasers)
-Sexy Nurse (mini pill bottles filled with E will be a total hit)
-The ghost of Tupac Shakur/Biggie Smalls (bring some mix tapes as favours)

-Macaroni Angel (attach rigatoni and spaghetti to a burlap sack, spray paint yourself metallic hues and photoshop a halo for yourself ad hoc)

-Christmas Tree-let your breasts be the ornaments! Dangle tinsel as seasonal pasties

If you choose to go trick or treating be sure to bring some of your best tricks along incase anyone asks you to perform! I know this is a totally vintage tradition, but I love the resurgence of Urban trends from days gone by. Here is a list of some of the tricks I have up my sleeve:

-singing a few lines of my fave Alicia Keys/Kelly Clarkson/Amanda Marshall song in perfect pitch
-Front handspring
-Origami Jack O Lantern (on the spot, with photocopied instructions incase I miss a step)
-toilet papering an entire urban block
-instead of egging the house I bring a tray of deviled eggs to offer to the home owner (see recipe below)
-put a plastic bug on your face and pretend not to notice it
-speak in acronyms (omg lol wtf, u dn't hav low phat candies?)

Deviled Eggs Recipe

1.Hardboil a baker's dozen eggs

2. Cut them in half to let them cool (leave the shells on)

3. Mix together in a separate bowl: sweet gherkins, relish, bread crumbs, and vanilla yogourt

4. Scoop the eggs out of the shells, discard

5. Fill shells with mixture and sprinkle with mashed ketchup chips, leaving some whole to protrude out as devilish horns

6. Enjoy!



Urban Women-promise to stay safe for Halloween. I have heard a few Urban legends about people sticking razor blades inside their Spooky Give-A-Ways and I believe everyword of it. Take your candy stash to an airport and run it through the metal detector before eating anything. Also be sure to use crosswalks wisely and if you are going to take a ride from a stranger make sure your human GPS microchip is switched to 'on'.

Be safe, sexy, and have fun!

Until next time,

Urban Woman

A Note on "Forwards"

Hello Urban Women,

Since I still have a cold and flu that seems uncurable (I spent 8 hours in the emergency room only to be sent home with nothing but an extra large nose tampon), I have had a lot of thinking time. As a result of me being so busy it is rare that I get time to sit and reflect, so obviously the topic of my musings is a deep and meaningful one-forwards, of the email variety.

I have heard various people whining about forwards, as though their sole purpose is to fill their junk inbox. For me, forwards are sacred. Not only do they show how often you are on people's minds, but they also can be totally uplifting and inspiring. I also get some great new product suggestions via forwards-such as goji juice, penis enlargement supplements, and starting your own business online. And you can imagine how good I feel when I know that women really are in sisterhood and angels are watching me.

I also tend to have supersitions about forwards because in the past bad things have happened when I did not follow the simple instruction to "forward". This one time, I got a forward (see below), and I only sent it to 10 of my closest bffs instead of the 100 it requested. The next day I ended up in the slammer for copyright infringement (under the guise of indecent exposure-hey, I was hosting a fashion event...). What goes around comes around.

Prison vs Work:

- - - - - - - - - - - -

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK....you spend most of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
IN PRISON...you get three meals a day (free).
AT WORK.....you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it yourself.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK.....you get rewarded for good behavior with more WORK.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
 
What I am really saying here is forward this Urban Woman post to all your friends and family or you will end up living a life of boredom, style mishaps, and suburbia!
 
I have created my own forward too. I hope you take the time to post it to your friends email, twitter and facebooks.
 
URBAN WOMAN FORWARD-send it to 15 bffs and within 15 days you will have 15 new friend requests on f.b!
 
Live life to the fullest, it is the small things that bring love to our hearts.
Post a photo of yourself looking your best on all of the mirrors in your house. This way when you are having a bad hair day you can pretend you look like you do in the photo.
Small feet are like kittens, they never stop giving.
When you say "I'm sorry" look up and to the left, this will make people think you are lying. Even if you're being totally honest.
 
Being Urban means you are connected to the streets and even more connected to the world wide webs. If it weren't for urbanization we wouldn't have smog coloured moths, a middle class, or street sweepers. Nevermind the abolishment of cottage industries-the epitome of country lace drapes. Love your urban neighbours every day!
 
Remember, if you don't forward this you will lose all of your friends on fb to those who did forward this!
 
Until next time,
Urban Woman

Contagion

Hello Urban Women,

Good bye sun spots, hello cold & flu season! It is crazy to think how dangerous life on planet earth is-we are always at risk of something. I remember learning this lesson the hard way when I was a teen. She was one of my fave gal pals even though her face was unsightly and filled with acne. I made the mistake of having one of her Halloween chocolate bars and totally caught the acne! That was the point in my life when I created one of my first trends-homemade masquerade masks! I wore one every day until my acne flare decreased. Next thing I knew all the trendsters were wearing their very own version. Although this experience came out positively in the end, you can imagine the horror I felt at the contagion.

At this point in my life I am starting to feel a little tickle in my throat. Some may want to blame the season, but personally, I blame the people who pick their noses, pee on their hands and don't wash them, and last but not least, the individuals with pussy eyes. I have a few guidelines laid out for how to best avoid catching a cold or flu this season!

• bedazzle your very own sars mask with gold pirate chains so your personal protective gear can double as a fashion accessory. Carry your mask everywhere and do not be ashamed to put it on when you feel you are around the hygienically impoverished.
• Fill your bathtub with vats of disinfectant. I usually do a mixture of hand sanitizer, lysol, CLR, and lemon rinds. At the end of each outting when I return home I spend a few minutes with a scuba mask on totally submerged in this mixture. It is the only way to kill off those germs.
• Gloves are our friends-there is nothing worse than having to shake hands with the devil (so to speak, the germ devil). After a handshake dispose the glove in your nearest biohazard receptacle.
• Positive thinking can get you a long way in life-create an effigy doll of a stranger or an acquaintance who has crossed you...if you start feeling ill pass the energy onto someone else!
• If you do use all of my tips and end up ill I recommend a day of watching sex in the city reruns, blogging, and eating cool whip right out of the jar!

Look out Urban Women, these mega bugs are starting to threaten our very society. Write to your local political spokesperson and request an updated list of conspiracies about how these things got started. If you know the cause, you know the solution!

Until next time,

Urban Woman

Imps-Correction

Hello Urban Women,

After reading my latest blog post one of my best gal pals brought a totally funky product to my attention. To keep her name anonymous I will refer to her as Pat U. Pat U-thanks for sharing this-you are a true Urban Woman Pioneer. It is the perfect gift for any baby or person with thinning locks. I can't believe I didn't think of this idea first!

The ORIGINAL Baby Ponytails Faux Pigtail Headband - Bebe Doos Perfect Ponies - Limited Edition Pink w/Polka Dots- PATENT PENDING

 

Until next time,

 

Urban Woman

Imps

Hello Urban Women,

I realise that many of my readers are mothers, or soon to be mothers-of the urban sort. In order to keep my niche (urban domination), I need to stay relevant to everyone. So this blog edition is all about children. While I may find their snotty noses and feathery hair to be distasteful some people really seem to like children. One of the biggest quandaries I find myself in is what to buy an up and coming urban child? There is a really great website for kiddie gifts http://www.anoukanoo.com/ but I get really creative with my ideas. Partly why my blog is so unique is because I never shamelessly advertise for people, I keep it totally organic and local.

When they are very small they don't even care about gifts (dare I say tacky?), so at this stage it is really about the mother.I usually get mom and tot a set of matching onesies that have my blog URL in gemstones across the booty. I may even throw in some mascara for the babe-I'm not sure who started the myth about children not needing make up. I am inventing my very own formula of hyperallergenic baby cosmetics. This way your little one can look fab even if they do smell like they've been bathed in vomit.
Alternately you could give them a jar of your very own baby food. I will share my secret recipe! The mom's love it because it is preservative free, but lasts forever!

Urban Imp Baby Mixer-this recipe includes all of the food groups and is really good for growth and brain developmentation.

1. Add one packet of hollandaise sauce powder to a blender with some water
2. Mix with bananas and chocolate milk
3. half a can of tinned ham
4. blend and put into a used gerber baby food jar
5. make a funky label: Nutrition for Babies!
6. Enjoy

In toddlerhood children can be extremely picky. At this point they seem to be really into money. I normally save up my Canadian tire $ and put them in a funky wallet for the child. I figure it's not my job to explain that they can only trade it in for a few screws or a roll of duct tape.

In later childhood I see fashion as a necessity. I give little girl's an Urban Style Guide that explains how their bodies will never be better...no arm flab, no back rolls, and certainly no wrinkles. In this gift I include a baby tee and booty shorts with red shiny rollerskates and a lollipop. It is totally retro and kids love it! LOL.

During the tween years it is all about accessories. Cell phone cases, zipper pulls, and jazzy shoe laces are big hits. I also include a prescription to Tiger Beat magazine so they can adorn their bedroom walls with pics of J. Beiber and Burt Reynolds.

Once they kids are full on teenagers I stop giving gifts. Instead I bring along my underwater disposable camera and we go to the city centre for a one-on-one photo shoot. Obviously as soon as the photos are uploaded to their twitter page they get tons of followers.

Keep spoiling all of those little imps-afterall, it is our destiny as Urban Women to encourage and inspire the next generation of Urban Women! Think about it...if not for Whitney Houston I wouldn't be here today!

Until next time,
Urban Woman

Thanks Givings

Hello Urban Women,

Some of you may have thought I forgot about Thanksgiving because my last post was about Halloween. Well let me tell you I never forget anything. That is why I go through friends quite quickly because if they ever cross me I will not forget about it until I have sought ample revenge (like swapping their Sarah Jessica Parker perfume for vinegar).

Thought I'd take some time to tell you what I am thankful for!
-ultra thick maxi pads
-stiletto nails
-mood lighting
-online shopping
-anti perspirant-baby powder scent
-surprises (like baby chicks)
-compliments such as, "you are so trendy"
-Call of Duty
-Bumper Stickers
-Specialty shops-places that sell vietnamese subs in particular
-tassles of any sort (even the nipple kind, wink wink)
-Miracles (whip and bras)
-Personal Flotation Devices
-Ike Turner
-Philly Cream Cheese Angel commercials

Hope you all enjoy your day and take a moment of solitude to thank Urban Woman for all of her blog!

Until next time,

Urban Woman

Monster Bash

Hello Urban Women,

Halloween is only 23 days away! I don't know about you but Halloween is my favourite celebration of the year. I plan to  host a Monster Bash for all of my besties. A Monster Mash party is not your typical dress up party, it is a mega bash that will leave everyone breathless. These instructions should guide you to set up your very own party atmosphere.

Guests should be told to dress like the ugliest monsters they can imagine. A lot of poo brown garb, faux face gashes, and glue on body hair are expected. Make sure to tell people that nothing about them should look attractive.

Decorate  your house with spooky pumpkins. I tend to carve mine with a blindfold on to get the best massacred look. Leave the pumpkin entrails inside to create a rotting flesh kind of smell. I also use a pumpkin as a cute punch bowl. I mix up some vodka, 5 hour power, and tang. Instead of ice cubes use jello shooters in the shape of decapitated fingers.

Make a playlist of eerie music-some of my faves are sung by Fred Penner and Raffi. To make it really personalized I usually record myself shrieking and put this on a loop.

Bandaid Snackers
1. Take one loaf of multigrain whole wheat white bread and toast each piece to a medium brown
2. Cut bread into slices into about 5 lengths per piece of toast
3. Add some bleach to a cup of peanut butter until it becomes a light brown skin tone
4. Slather each bit of bread with peanut butter/bleach mixture
5. use a toothpick to make tiny holes to appear like a bandaid
6. squirt a little bit of ketchup on each bit to look like blood
7. Instead of a platter use a vintage ambulance stretcher as a serving plate
8. Enjoy!

The room should be dim (candle light only) when all of your guests arrive. If they followed the instructions they should all be looking absolutely horrifying. When the doorman lets you know everyone has arrived, put the spotlight on and strut into the room...the kicker is that the Urban Woman always looks fab! Wear your sexiest pleather tube skirt with a lingerie top and bedazzled heels. Everyone will be so amazed at how good you look, especially in comparison to all the monsters!

Spend the night getting tons of photos with a little sign that reads "Beauty and the Beast". Print off the photos and use them as thank you for attending cards.

Hope your Halloween Bash is a stylish success!

Until next time,
Urban Woman

Book Klub

Hello Urban Women,

To make up for my low number of posts in Sept I thought I would start mega posting for Oct. By the way, Oct means 10 because it's the 10th month. Think about it, Octomom, octopation etc. So random!

One of the hot trends for 2012 (yes, Urban Women, I am already looking into trends for next year) is exchanging the letter c for the letter k. For example, book Klub instead of club, or halloween kostume instead of costume. This sort of hip grammar will win you tons of "likes" on facebook.

Because the days are getting shorter and the moon kycles are on repeat I thought it would be perfekt to share some of the kool books I've been kheckin' out. In order to be urban, you need to know about literature and who is on the hot 100 list in the newspaper each week. I guarantee you will get so into these reads that your nights will soon bekome days again. This blog is also a shout out to all my urban women in my book klub-they've been dying to get their names mentioned on my blog-here it is gurls!

Harry Potter Series by He Who Shall Not Be Named
This book is a total sensation. It is the true story of an author who kept having extra terrestrial experiences at her highschool. She documents them in the style of a novel that is totally easy to read. If you like magic, romance, red heads, and freak weather you will love this book. It is a master tale about the dark arts.

John Grisham by John Grisham
Some of you may have heard Johnny Grish's name being thrown around in more academic circles, but I credit myself for being the first to bring him into the mainstream. This dudes books are basically texts for any sort of lawyer. You will be on the edge of your seat and flipping pages so fast you may need to stop half way through for a paraffin wax treatment. Check him out! Although I've never actually seen him, I am guessing he looks like a young Richard Gere.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson
I have always wanted a dragon tattoo myself, but my dolphin tattoo covers up most of my lower back. Anyway, the title is what got me jazzed on this read. The title is virtually synonymous with "Urban Woman". This is the first book in a series of 3.The second book is titled (in Urban translation) The Urban Pyro, and the third, Urban Exterminator. The trilogy follows a total urban superhero woman. She eats some of my favourite recipes (fish paste on bread with unpasteurized cheese), loves to shop at Ikea, and has a last name that rhymes with salamander. Love her!

Little Women by Louisa May Alcott
This is more of a classic weight loss tale. I found it really inspiring when I was trying to get my bikini body back after I over indulged in shaped cheese biscuits one time at Book Klub. Each of you will relate to someone different in this story of midget ladies.

Sailor Moon Graphic Novel by animation
This little gem is another one of my predictions for 2012, I have a feeling it is going to go VIRAL! It is a totally easy read with really cool pics about planet-hopping and having really big eyes. Keep your eyes peeled for hot merchandise. Good bye Hello Kitty, Hello Sailor Moon.

Hope you enjoy my Oct book Klub pics! The drawing below represents how in the olden days (when things were only black and white)urban women used to read topless because they had their bras burnt at the stake if they were caught reading. Sometimes they became so adept at undercover reading they could do it with their eyes closed. This is a totally gorgeous flashback to the days of yore.

Until next time,

Urban Woman

Hello, my name is Urban Woman, and I'm a first aider!

Hello Urban Women,

I have taken some time away from blogging not because I have blog-burnout, but because I have been totally preoccupied with my new role as a life saver. No, I'm not a medical doctor, or a

9-1-1 operator, but I am an Urban First Aider. I have been involved in fixing so many fashion, etiquette, and trend emergencies lately! I thought I would post them so all of my loyal followers would know that being Urban is not so easy afterall.

Urban Emergencies

You notice one of your best g.fs has total man hands

FIRST AID: Think about buying your pal a pair of sexy gloves that she can wear while she is in public. I've given away so many pairs of faux fur and pleather gloves lately I just cannot afford it anymore. I've started to buy magic gloves at the dollar store-I usually attach some press on nails to the finger tips so 'man hands' can still look and feel sexy

After using the internets to find the hottest new trends you come across wannabe Urban Woman Websites

FIRST AID: These are the more pathetic urban emergencies, because it is amazing how easily people can be led astray by counterfeit urbanites. When I find out about Urban Woman Infidels I usually get my hacker friends (some of you may have heard of her...Lisbeth Salander), to go into their computer and reroute all webpages back to Urban Woman. While this fee can get hefty, I know all of you first aiders are totally committed to making my page a hit. No offense Lipstick Jungle.

You are out at a restaurant and you notice the couple next to you is out on their first date. You begin to pay attention to the vibes the couple is exchanging and realise the woman is totally suburban and is talking to her date about country lace drapes.

FIRST AID: This requires immediate intervention which really gets my adrenalin pumping-not only can you save a life, but there is potential for a new convert! In this situation I actually pass the casualty an Urban First Aid Kit. The contents are as follows:

-a Bob the Builder band-aid

-gemstone chandelier earrings

-a print out of relevant blog editions

-a premixed banana liquer shooter

-a faux cell phone/pager

-Lady Gaga's latest album

-list of conversation dos and donts (speak in a pitch slightly higher than your normal voice; purse your lips frequently; share all of your fantasies-for example, Mariah Carey's song Fantasy, American Idol winner Fantasy Barrino, your fantasy life as a Simms character etc; reference the time you spent as a Facebook consultant; do not mention country drapes, your desire to live more simply, or your plans for your next haircut)

After receiving the first aid kit the casualty usually disappears to the bathroom, comes back looking like a totally new woman and begins to wow her date! This really is what gives my job purpose and meaning.

I was out trendspotting and came across these funky must have heels. They are on the cutting edge of fashion-note how the lace sockette is actually part of the shoe. The model wearing these shoes is clearly a slut (note the ankles), if I were styling this photo shoot I probably would have added some ankle chains, and a tensor bandage to make the ankle appear more classy. I would also have toenail extenders that would reach the tip of the shoe.

Thanks to all of my readers who inspire me to continue saving lives.

Until next time,

Urban Woman