New Year's Steve

Hello Urban Women,

At this time of year I can't help but fantasize about Dick Clark-he has really been an icon of our generation. There was this one time that we locked eyes in a super intense way...it didn't even matter that I was at home on my chaise lounge and he was in Times Square. Since I have totally had my eyes on DC for the last decade I thought now was the time to give you some tips on how to find your own Urban Man to rub dance with this NYE!

First of all ensure that the party you are hosting or attending will be totally Urban and have a nice bevy of Urban Men to choose from-some indicators of an Urban party will be as follows:
-VIP list
-a warning sign for those susceptible to strokes (due to the laser beam show)
-paparazzi
-dress code in effect

The best time to snag your perfect man is at midnight on the dot. Discreetly place yourself directly under the mistletoe at 11:00pm and do not move from this spot (there will be other Urban Women competing with you). At midnight bat your lashes 3 times and you should see an Urban Stallion standing before you who smells of Axe body spray and is sporting a man tank. You can be sure this is going to be worth your wait!

If the kiss is magical instantly begin speaking in an exotic accent. Some people find English or Italian accents alluring, but I recommend trying something a little more edgy-Texan or Dutch have served me well over the years. I have been working on a special zombie autotunes voice for this NYE to be totally chic and ironic. After you accent has successfully impressed this mystery fellow your necklace alarm clock will need to strike 12 again (because of your faux-accent identity) and another major smooch is sure to follow! At this point your pheremones will be so in sync that you are considered to be going steady. Way to snag 'em ladies!

If you want to keep the romance going into the early hours be sure to excuse yourself to the ladies room to 'freshen up'. While I know I may be a little high maintenance, for me freshening up is a vital part of my persona-bring a change of gowns, add another set of chicken cutlets to your bra, and tweeze any unwanted stray hairs that may have grown in over the course of the evening. When you come out of the toilette (this type of lingo will add to your exotic appeal) you may have to fight off more than one Urban Man!

Urban Women-remember that NYE is the night that glitter and glam are never out of style. Go wild with the tinsel, body sparkles, and glowstick fluid (break open your fave neon bracelet and dab it on your erogenous zones for when the lights get dim!).

Also remember to drink responsibly and have a glass of water in between each mocktail.

Happy 2012!

Until next time,
Urban Woman

p.s. it may be necessary to review 2012 protocol before the party begins http://www.urbanwomanblogger.blogspot.com/2011_11_01_archive.html

Passion 4 Fashion

Hello Urban Women,

TREND ALERT: exchanging "c"s for "k"s is totally 2011. If you want to keep up with the current changes in cultural lingo be sure to start exchanging your "s"s for "z"s-but only at the end of a word. This creates a really edgy dynamic between you and the readerz!

Many of you understand the fine line between wanna be fashionistaz and those that have a legit passion 4 fashion. It is what separates the footless tightz from backless gownz. In my case I feel like I waz born with a passion 4 fashion, whereaz otherz have had to learn it. My body is basically a human fashion compasz and when I see an outfit that has been perfectly executed my true North startz to tingle!

Some of the creative fashion ideaz I've come up with:

TRANSFORMATIONZ
-taking that ratty old tube skirt and transforming it into a totally sexy mini dress. All you need to do is add a belt and people's jawz will drop when they seen your curvezzz!

NEW AND OLD
-I like to accesorize by using traditional accessoriez as modern glam. For example, I sewed extra zipperz all over my tankini to jazz it up for the fabutan season. Not only does this little bit of metal make your outfit go from drab to fab, but it also lookz like real bling!

SCISSOR SISTERS
-this tip came in perfectly handy for me when I had two gala partiez to attend in a row and only one backless crushed velvet party dresz. Get out those scissorz and start trimming! I added a fringe to the bottom of the dress and made a peek-a-boo keyhole below the plunging v neck so onlookers would get a special preview the dolphin tattoo that I got sketched on my stomach in permanent marker. Next time I wear the dress I plan to add some slitz up the sides to show off the exterior of my upper thigh.

I hope all of you can try to increase your passion 4 fashion, especially during the holidayz. A fun and flirty look will totally up your chancez of meeting that perfect urban man! Imagine yourself under that mistletoe with Mr. Right-that kiss will go down in history!

Peace and love to Urban Women everywhere.

Until next time,

Urban Woman

XXXMAS

Hello Urban Women,

The most important question of the season is naughty or nice? This edition is a total Urban overhaul on how to make XMAS into XXXMAS! So get out your J. Beiber Christmas album and tell your mom to move on over because it is your turn to kiss Santa Claus!

When hosting an XXXMAS dinner always remember that an Urban Woman keeps a totally flirty and fab exterior. I mentioned my naughty elf costume a few posts ago, but think outside the box to achieve your personal best style:

-apron with some tinsel on the edges
-garland as a hair tie or halter top
-pinesol dabbed behind the ears for a seasonal sexy scent!
-instead of going to the salon for your regular press on nails think about sculpting your own pointers out of gingerbread cookie dough. It is necessary to use a little modge podge to hold them in place, but once the dough dries they look and feel totally fab. For a naughty twist make a few of them into the shape of candy canes.

Here are some of my fave XXXmas recipes & mocktails!

Naughty: Cranberry Jingler

• 2 parts non alcoholic vodka (can be substituted for potato juice)
• 1 part fresh distilled mineralized local organic H20
• a dash of citron which is an exotic fruit you may not find at your local grocery store-if so, check for jello powder in this flavour
• Shake your money maker until all ingredients are mixed
• Garnish with a previously enjoyed cranberry teabag and a jingle bell
• Enjoy

Nice: Ginger Balls

• Grate 2 pounds of fresh ginger into a vat (try to clean out the vat before using it as a receptacle-otherwise fingernail clippings tend to find their way into things)
• let the ginger sit for a few days so the liquid can evaporate-not only does this make the ginger more workable but it also gives your home a really nice smell sort of like chinese restaurant and a dollop of love
• roll the ginger into balls
• take a kraft single slice and use it as a 'wonton wrapper' for the ginger. If you warm the cheese up with your hands slightly you will be able to press the edges together to form a seal around the ginger ball
• sprinkle each ball with some xxxmas coloured sprinkles
• add some coconut flakes as garnish to your platter
• Enjoy

Naughty: Macaroni Angelz

• Get really creative with your macaroni angelz this year-instead of sticking with the regular noodle shape try something a little more wacky-such as rotini, spaghetti, or lasagne
• use your fave eyeliner to draw sexy costumes on each of the angelz
• to transform this funky craft/xxxmas decor idea into an easy appy boil the noodles for 5 minutes in salty water
• mist with peanut oil to give them some shimmer before serving
• Enjoy

Nice: Mistletoe Salad with Meat Wreath

• This is a spin off of the classic french dish "Miscoise Salad"
• Take mistletoe, wash, dice & julienne
• Put in bowl
• Put your favourite cold cuts (think bologna, salami and mortadella) onto a platter in the shape of a wreath-put your salad bowl in the middle of the wreath
• Enjoy
• To add a little fun think about playing spin the bottle around the table at your family XXXMas dinner, this is a totally chic way of adding new tradition to old tradition.

Naughty: XXXMAS Tree Ornaments

Warning: This is not edible

• Sexy bras dangling from the boughs make any xxxmas tree look a little daring
• Use your fave winter twigs and berries to adorn your tree
• Instead of regular white fairy lights think about red lights that flash
• DIY: Make your own ornaments by using photos of yourself in your elf costume! Punch a hole in the top and use a string to hang on your tree

While I was doing all of my XXXmas prep I started humming and got totally inspired to write a new Xmas carol. I think this one will go down in history (like Charlize Brown)!

Sung to the tune of Jingle Bells

Christmas time
Christmas thyme
Christmas is so urban

Oh how fab it is to sip
a mocktail made of bourbon, hey!

Until next time,

Urban Woman