TiK ToK

Hello Urban Women,

"Don't stop, make it pop
DJ, blow my speakers up
Tonight, I'mma fight
'Til we see the sunlight
Tick tock on the clock
But the party don't stop, no"
-Ke$ha

This quote from the pop hit single totally summarizes how I feel like I am always battling against the clock. I particularly relate to the part about blowing my speakers up because one of my fave hobbies is pyrotechnics. No big deal. Anyway, summer is ending and I feel like my schedule is filling up so quickly that I can't keep up with my blogging as regularly as I'd like, I haven't watered my astroturf lawn in like a month, and with global warming the days are getting shorter.

The worst part about time management is that it requires prioritizing and when you are an Urban Woman like me you have so much energy to give that you want to take on the world. Unfortunately the more you do the quicker your cells age and the faster you get wrinkles. I recommend you all soak your sleeping eye masks in a puree of cucumber and tiger balm before going to sleep to reverse these anti-aging effects.

Driving around in the city can also be hectic and a real time waster. To cut down on driving time try to lunch with your friends over skype. Another creative solution to this problem is to set the clock back in your vehicle (holler for hummers!) about 15 minutes so you feel like you have extra time to get everywhere. I also switch my watch settings from AM to PM to ensure I have more hours in the day.

Here are some tips for combatting fatigue and beating the clock:

        Problem                                    Solution      

1. No time to exercise:multitask and do your kegels while sitting in a meeting or having coffee with a friend

2. Bags under your eyes: pull a Corey Hart and wear those sunglasses at night!

3. The line ups at the outlet strip mall are too long: create a fake name tag with the word "Manager" printed on it. This is sure to get you to the front of the line.

4. You are getting too many txts at the same time: grab that list from your diary that ranks your BFFs and colleagues-use this as a guide to figure out who to write back to first. If someone is writing you who isn't even on your BFF list, you should probably think about deleting their contact details not only from your phone, but also from your life.

5. Feeling drained: try a booster-these can really help give you that blast of energy that will carry you through. Energy drinks like 5 Hour Power, Vodka Rockstar, and Decaf coffee work miracles. Herbal supplements like ephedrin, caffeine, and E tabs work in a similar way-everything goes by quicker!

6. Dirty House: I usually strap on some old chamois onto my platform wedges and when I walk around they pick up dust. I also find layering works really well to hide a mess you don't have time to clean up. For example, if your table cloth has crumbs on it just throw another one on top of it. Alternately you could get your home pampered by the professional Urban Cleaners (you go Pampered Home Gals!!!).

7. You don't have time to read Urban Woman Blog: NO EXCUSES! Come on ladies, we owe each other!

Thats it for now, I am late on paying my credit card bills (I signed up for a few new cards at the food court of my local mall because they were giving away bedazzled pocket watches. If you signed up for the platinum card (my favourite colour) you also got a free t-shirt. I asked for an xxs and threw it in the dryer to turn it into a funky baby t.

Stay on top of that clock just like Ke$ha!

Until next time,

Urban Woman

Celebrating the Century

Hello Urban Women,

I am so proud to see that my blog has over 1000 views! This is a total confidence booster for me-I am now waiting to get a call from a movie producer who wants to make a feature film of how my blog came to be. Here is part of the screenplay I am writing for this upcoming project.

Urban Woman-played by Brittany Murphy
Urban Woman's Mother-played by Candace Cameron
Doctor-played by McDreamy
Original Score-written and performed by Miley Cyrus & L'il Wayne

Scene 1: Set in private hospital room with 2 windows

Doctor enters, Urban Woman's mother is in labour

Doctor: Hello there Ms. it appears your labour is coming along in true style, do you know if you are having a girl or boy?

Urban Woman's Mother: I have had a sense that this child would be special, I think she will be a girl who is full of style, fashion, and flare. She will be a trail blazer, a pioneer for women everywhere.

Doctor: Wouldn't I be so happy to deliver such a prodigy! I could add it to my resume.

Urban Woman's Mother is pushing out a child. A soft yellow light emanates from her loins.

During the delivery Miley Cyrus is singing "Party in the USA"

Urban Woman's Mother is not screaming or in pain. She is totally calm and self assured.

Out pops a beautiful baby girl-she is born with painted nails, a feather hair extension and the ability to speak.

Urban Woman: Hello world, hello mother, hello Doctor. I have been waiting for this moment to come to Earth to spread my creative ideas and inspire women.

Urban Woman's Mother: What an amazing child I have birthed! What shall you be called little gem?

Urban Woman: I am Urban Woman

Doctor and mother begin quietly sobbing with joy. Urban Woman rings the bell to ask the nurse to bring her a lap top with wireless internet connection

Fade out scene

To celebrate my loyal followers I will be giving out free passes to the movie screening when it is ready! I would also like to celebrate by sharing a few of my favourite things with you, not only to motivate you to keep on reading, but also to commemorate my popularity.

Urban Woman's Favourite Things!

1. Waking up in the morning to the sound of a fresh flowing stream
2. Fully body Spanx
3. Christmas tree garland made out of tinned corn niblets
4. Shaved eyebrows that are drawn back on with a browny/red lip liner
5. Urban Planking
6. Day old McDonald's fries
7. Providing free fashion advice
8. Jim Carey in "The Cable Guy"
9. Chunky key chains
10. Disco ball accessories

Keep reading Urban Women-I hope to reach 2000 views before the week is over!

Until next time,

Urban Woman

Hostess with the Mostess

Hello Urban Women,

This summer I have been hosting a ton of events. Sometimes they are stressful, but when you really know what you're doing being a hostess can be a real resume builder!

The last ladies luncheon I hosted was a total success. I invited 12 of my fave Urban Women over for an afternoon tea/mocktail party and had a Jesus' "last supper" theme (hence the twelve guests-including me 13 people!). All of the women had to come dressed as one of the apostles and we had a secret ballot to vote the Judas out of the party! Unfortunately it was Linda who got voted out. But it was no biggie because she is a gossip which is basically betrayal. We threw leftover bread crumbs at her as she exited and played that awesome new megahit by Lady Gaga. As party favours I gave out mini crucifix that I had spent hours making using toothpicks, twine, white glue, and glitter (obviously Linda did NOT get a take home bag!).

Here are some other totally fun themes you can add to make you the hostess with the mostess:

• Paparazzi: ask each guest to bring a camera to the party. When the guests arrive you should be wearing your funkiest tube minidress so they can pretend they are paparazzi taking pics of the ultimate Urban Star. Give each guest a blank scrapbook that they can fill with the photos they took of you during the party!
• Pasta: each guest should arrive with a box of their fave pasta-for me it is always seashells, but some people like linguine, fettucini, or for the more daring-penne. Once all of the guests have arrived I boil up water in an oversized cauldron and everyone throws their pasta in! We all end up sharing in all the shapes and sizes and sometimes there is even enough to take leftovers in a totally cute to-go box.
• Pet Exchange: This theme requires people to go over the top! The idea is that everyone dresses up as their pet and dresses their pet up as them! You can just imagine how cute it was to see dogs, cats, and hamsters decked out in pink bedazzled tee's, crocs, and scrunchies. Serve a plate of gourmet dog biscuits and have each guest bedazzle a water bowl with their name on it!

At my apostle party I served some of Jesus' fave recipes: fish and loaves, goblets, cheeses of Nazareth, and those thin wafers. I also invented a few of my own new recipes to make the party feel really divinely inspired!

Trinity Casserole

1.Line a casserole dish with dried bay leaves and coat with margarine
2. Pile tinned tuna, salmon, and oysters on the bay leaf (3 types of fish, this is why it is called Trinity Casserole)
3. Add a layer of non fat soy cheese (for the vegetarians) to the top
4. Throw in the microwave on high for 30 seconds (may need longer depending on the size of your casserole dish)
5. Serve on a bed of parsley
6. Enjoy!

In terms of general hostessing abilities I have a few golden rules that apply no matter what the food, theme, or style of the party!

1. Always be wearing an apron when the guests arrive. This shows that you have been slaving over the stove and put a lot of effort into the party.
2. I stuff my mailbox full of letters I have written to myself so that the guests can see that I am quite popular and get tons of fan mail.
3. When I take my guests coats I am sure never to lay them on the bed of the master bedroom. I have only had bad experiences with people peeping into my personal effects. It is a total shock when you wake up and realise that your contact solution has been stolen by a supposed friend. Instead, I set up a mini coat check and charge a twooney for each person who wants their coat to be looked after.
4. Dim the lights and have a mocktail station set up. This combination really lowers inhibitions and before you know it your party will be raging!
5. Always ensure you welcome guests with a toothy grin and say good bye in an urban way by hugging them by touching as minimally as possible and pat the back. To add some Euro class I usually give 3-4 air kisses too.

I hope this inspires you to host a successful event ladies! Remember, it is never too late to start a legacy.

Until next time,

Urban Woman

Women Inspire Women

Hello Urban Women,

We all need women to inspire and be inspired by. Considering that I probably am one of your main inspirations in Urban life I thought it was only fair that I share some of the women who have inspired me over time. Some have helped me get out of bed on those days when my eyelashes were glued shut, others have given me that push to show up for a job interview even though my temporary tattoo had partly worn off. Nonetheless, each of these Urban Women have been the tea to my cup.

 Cleopatra

Not only did Cleopatra sport head pieces and jewels that were way ahead of her time, but she also was the master of basically an entire country. She could speak so many languages that she inspired me to learn Piglatin-a language in which I am fluent verbally and orally. On top of all of this Cleopatra invented ceasarian sections, although I don't have any children I have had a couple elective c-sections to pay homage to the great Urban pharaoh.

Anne Boleyn

Anne Boleyn was a real Urban man hunter-it's no wonder that I have perfected this art. I often channel Anne in my dreams and she gives me all sorts of tips on how to catch sexy studs. The reason I have such a psychic connection with Ms. B is because she was such a spiritual leader during her time (where do you think i got the info on the Zodiacs? Google? As if). It is because of her that I would go to any length to get the man of my dreams-even if he had horse breath or a fleshy rotten leg, nothing could stop me! You go girl.

Sarah Michelle Gellar



This Urban woman basically revolutionized the American film and television industry. I heard that she even had her teeth filed down into actual fangs to really get into character for the role of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. She emanates girl power. I get so much confidence from her sleek look and her vaseline-shined teeth. I put vaseline on my teeth whenever I'm prepping for a photo shoot and believe me, this trick has taken me places I've never imagined.

While I do try my best to stay positive there are certain women out there who make me sick. Seriously Frieda Kalho, have you never been to a waxing salon? I don't even want to imagine what her upper thighs look like. And what about those Olsen twins? Whenever I open up a fashion mag, I can't tell if I'm looking at Mr. Bigglesworth or that Michelle Tanner from Fullhouse. I could list tons of women who have inspired me, but I will just stick to 3 right now to leave you with sort of a cliff hanger ending. I'd love to hear how I've inspired you! Feel free to leave a comment on my post-maybe one day I could add myself to my list of inspirational women through the ages.

Until next time,

Urban Woman