Many of my readers have been really struggling to find a job since the global economic crisis and impending divorce of TomKat. I truly believe that it is all in how you presentate yourself and the first step is always the C.V. For those of you who don't know C.V. stands for Covert Vernacular. Based on this meaning it is totally legit to jazz your resume up to make yourself sound slightly better than you really are. Instead of telling y'all what to do I thought it would be better to attach a copy of my very own!
Urban Woman
69 Fab Lane
1-800-Bedazzle
urbanwomanblogger.blogspot.com
- Born circa 2000 *do not include your real birthdate. Agism is rampant in Urban Centres
- Blogging since circa 2000
My blog is a creative and innovative guide to style, fashion, and flare. Perfect for Urban readers from sea to shining sea.
Charity Work for the Needy *highlight volunteer experience first, employment is worthless
- Donated a facial wax kit to women with barely-there moustaches
- Threw a party and donated the Malibu Rum bottles to a Spring Break trip for an Urban Sorority
- Chief jello wrestler for Occupy Urban movement
- Glitter glue contemporary tattoos for anyone who stops me on the street
Internships *if you don't have internship experience think of a creative way to embellish your hobbies
- Interned as a shooter gal at The Foxy Nightclub, pro bono
- Masseuse to the Minister of Internal Affairs
- Blogging coach to grade 3 cubscout troop
Employment
- Self employed blogger
- Celebrity appearances at magic shows, comedy caves, nail salons, and lakes within gated communities (earning income + tips)
- KFC June 12, 1979-June 15, 1979: responsible for mixing secret blend of spices
- Declined the job at the Caramilk factory, one secret was enough
Education
- Advanced Bachelorette Degree in Urban Studies
- Completed culinary school via You Tube seminars
- Dog Grooming School (incomplete due to toenail incident)
Bonus Qualities *This is your chance to highlight your more subtle attributes that every employer wants to know but is afraid to ask, this will really set your CV apart!
- Enthusiastic
- 34 DD
- Light Menstrual Flow
Salary Expectations
- I will take nothing less than the glass ceiling
References
- Self: see contact details at top of C.V. * This shows a confident attitude that will ensure any prospectful employer that you are the woman for the job
I hope this helps all of you find a job placement that will energize your chakras and lead you to your final destination. In my case, it is blogging. I live it, breathe it, inspire it, desire it, and jazz it.
Until next time,
Urban Woman
