Urban Advertising

Hello Urban Women,

I really admire an entrepreneurial spirit. In this blog entry you will find so many tidbits that will help you succeed with your own business. We all know that advertising is a large part of making it big and this is obviously what I have done in order to have achieved such high status in the blogging world and urban culture in general.

When I first started out with my blog I found myself asking questions like: How do I get the word out? How can I make my blog the most unique in all the internets? How will I know when I have reached my urban goal?

What I did was devise a three phase advertising plan. This is a fool proof way that anyone can get their business launched.

Urban Woman Blog

3 Phase Fool Proof Advertising Plan

PHASE 1

• Learn to love myself so that everything I do is a success
• Cut out all of the haters in my life so that I don't receive any criticism for my creativity
• Play the slot machines at the local casino to earn some "start up" money

PHASE 2

• Create blog address (for those of you who don't know you should check it out: http://www.urbanwomanblogger.blogspot.com/)
• Vamp up my blog page using colours, pictures, and a template that Urban Women will not be able to resist
• Reward myself with a new lap dog, cell phone case, and a new Jennifer Aniston circa 1998 haircut

PHASE 3

• Spread the word about my blog by setting up an Urban Style booth in the local community. A location next to a lemonade stand, because people are more prone to pull over or stop and chat if there are impoverished charity case children begging for money in exchange for watered down lime-aid from their parents margarita party the night previous
• Ensure the booth is decorated in Urban fashion-stuffed animals, "police line do not cross" banners, flashing disco balls, and the obvious-tinsel.
• The booth should be stocked with trial sized mocktails, mocktail weinies, and brochures about Urban Woman. Food, bevies and give aways are a must when launching a business
• Talk to anyone and everyone that walks by under the guise that if they check out my website they are eligible to win a mega prize pack.
• Create mega prize pack using an old wicker picnic basket and fill it with streamers, glitter, buy one get one free coupons for Pay Less, and an Urban Woman bedazzled bandana and arm band (I usually just use one of those Lance Armstrong ones and write over the slogan with a sharpie)
• Sit back, relax, and wait for success!

As you can see I accomplished my goal in virtually no time at all. It was only later that I realised that I don't really have a business and I don't really gain anything from having people frequent my blog. The thing that is important to me is knowing that I have made a difference. You probably wouldn't be surprised to know that people are coming up to me on the streets like every other day chatting to me. Some people ask me how come I am so stylish, while others just ask me if I know the time. I bet they txt all of their friends after I tell them it is "wine o'clock" saying that Urban Woman is so totally LOL and funky.

Any of you Urban Women out there trying to get a business going I wish you all the success in the world. Spread the word!

Until next time,

Urban Woman and her blogging empire



Mosquito Mania

Hello Urban Women,

The summer is here and there seems to be an influx of bugs on the prowl. I find that mosquitoes are drawn to people who are the most attractive so take those bites as a compliment! The downside of mosquito bites are the welts they leave behind. In order to disguise them I recommend you draw a circle around each bite with your fave eyeliner and make a smiley face in each one. This adds a really whimsical touch to summer legs.

I've had a mishap with mosquitoes in the past. I heard the the best way to keep the bugs away is to rub banana peels all over your body. So, being the rule following urban woman that I am, I bought 10kg of bananas, made tons of smoothies and then tied the peels onto my legs with twine. When I was preparing to go outside for my afternoon mocktail I slipped on a banana peel. It was totally devastational. Good thing my nanny cam was running and I caught it on tape. I was able to view the footage and correct my mistakes. I haven't had a slip since.

One of the reasons that mosquitoes are so dangerous is because they carry a lot of viral infections, such as tetanus, south nile disease, or rosacea. In order to fight off these maladies I recommend bathing yourself in clamato juice. The acidity of the clams counteracts all sorts of disease. That's how I got cured of hepatitis. I'm really into natural remedies.

I usually name the mosquitoes after I kill them to make sure that they feel honored for their sacrifice. I've come up with some really creative names: Jacob, Dietrich Bonhoffer, Dracula, Dr. Cullen, and Sylvia Plath. It is nice to give each one a little placard in their honour. I have a a shingle full of mini dedications hanging in my bedroom.

Keep safe from the bugs ladies!

Until next time,

Urban Woman

Dear Urbby

Hello Urban Women,

Since I have been blogging I have been getting tons of emails asking me for advice. In the spirit of "Dear Abby" I thought I would answer some of the more common questions on the blog. Urban advice does not discriminate. Hopefully this column will make you realise that you are not alone!

Dear Urbby,

I have been playing with different fashion trends lately, but I find that everytime I bedazzle something I look like a street walker. I am desperate to look like a true urban woman, but it seems as though "the look" does not work on my physique. When I wear chunky wedges I look like I'm walking down a hill and when I put glitter eyeliner on my friends tell me I look like I fell asleep on a glitter glue craft. What can I do to achieve the look I want without sacrificing my relationships?

Sincerely,

Fashion faker

Dear Fashion Faker,

Everyone has their own personal style and that is what really makes life Urban. While there are some trends you should be sporting during the summer season, it is also important that you wear things that look good on you. If chunky heels don't work, my guess is that you have size 13 feet. Think about getting a late onset foot binding to tone back the scale of your feet. If glitter eyeliner doesn't look good on you, try some metallic liners that sweep from inner eye all the way to your hairline. This will create an illusion that your eyes are bigger than the pea-size that they likely are. As for bedazzling, you might want to go online and watch a couple of you-tube vids to get some lessons. You are probably not useing a wide enough array of gemstone colours, sizes, and shapes. Keep your head held high and be flexible with your Urban style.

Yours in crisis,

Urbby

Dear Urbby,

I am in a fight with one of my best girlfriends-and it is all over an Urban Man. We both met him at the same time while driving through Tim Horton's drive through pick up window. He has been working there for a few months now. We both think he is totally studly and even when he wears a hairnet he looks totally hot. I think he likes me but he keeps sexting my girlfriend. He gave me a free 'roll up the rim to win' cup, but he gave her an extra white roll with her order of chilli. How do I know who he likes? I don't want to break up my friendship, but this guy is basically my everything. Is he into me?

From,

Stallion Hunter

Dear Stallion Hunter,

I don't want to be the one to break the bad news to you, but this guy sounds like he is totally worth breaking up your friendship over. I have dated a guy from a drive through window myself, and he was totally loyal, hot, and could give me great discounts. A "roll up the rim to win" cup is probably worth more than a free bun, and even though he is sexting your friend, he probably entered the name wrong in his cell phone and he thinks he is sexting you! Next time you go to Timmies I suggest you wear something really sizzling to get his attention. Try a plunging v, or an open backed gown. Order something extra special from the menu so he takes the time to notice you (extra ham on your sandwich, or a side order of honey mustard for your boston cream doughnut). If your girlfriend can't accept your feelings she probably isn't that good of a friend anyway. Take it all the way-you haven't won this one until you ride that wild stallion.

Encouragingly,

Urbby

I love hearing from you all so keep the emails coming!

Until next time,

Urban Woman (Urbby)

Urban Addictions

Hello Urban Woman,

I was recently "tipped off" to write a blog entry about addictions. I jumped at this opportunity because I love a good challenge and I want to ensure that all of my readers know how to take care of themselves after they have had an Urban Woman Blog Bender (UWBB)! Addictions are a really serious subject and I have heard from a lot of different people that I am equivalent to Dr. Drew in dealing with them, well at least the Urban sort!

This could be you...addiction also seems to cause club toes-Beware!

Common Signs of Urban Addiction

1.When any Urban trend/accessory/fashion/design item becomes a point of stress or indecision rather than a total indulgence (I've been through this one with waffle cone vs. sugar cone)

2. When your girlfriends start to tell you that you are "out of control", that you "have a serious problem", or they begin to slander you on social networking webpages, community newsletters or on AM radio open mic

3. You find that you are spending over 80% of your day reading my blog or googling urban trends that I have suggested

SHOE addiction

Ladies, shoes are always a must have accessory but sometimes they can start to pile up and impede on your lifestyle. Choice is good, but too much choice can often lead to some major fashion faux pas. For example, I have a "friend" (I often use this term when I am referring to myself anonymously) who was hoarding shoes. One day, while in a rush to get to the mall, she became overwhelmed by her shoe collection and could not decide which pair to choose. She ended up wearing a pair UGG sandals with the wooly toe strap! This caused major embarassment and this "friend" has been avoiding that mall ever since

REMEDY

Host a "Cinderella" party where all of your guests line up outside your front door as potential "Shoetors". One by one you can let them in to try on a pair of your shoes! If they fit, the Shoetor can opt to purchase them from you. I price them usually between 49.99$ and around 129.99$, but each hour I have a green sticker bonanza sale where they only have to pay the price before the decimal! This remedy to shoe addiction will leave you feeling like you have made someones wishes come true!

MOCKTAIL addiction

Most of you have probably tried my fabulous mocktail recipes and I am fully aware of how amazing they can make you feel! Some people get into the danger zone of addiction when they start drinking mocktails before noon, they trade in their regular homogenized milk for a mocktail, and they begin putting mocktails in their casseroles as a substitute for jello powder. When you notice yourself losing control like this it won't be long before you start to diminish your status and prowess as an Urban Woman. People will begin to judge you and may even block you as a facebook friend when they seen that mocktails have taken over your life.

REMEDY

Having been in this situation before I know how difficult it is to opt for a glass of wine over that virgin bumbleberrytini-but the fact of the matter is you are going to have to rid your cupboards of all products that may put you in temptation's way! Throw out your fave bottles of aspartame-full fruit juices, dump your seltzers down the drain, and empty out those packets of crystal lite. I recommend listening to Eminem's "Lose Yourself" during the clean up, it is a really passionate song that will move you beyond your addiction.

ZUMBA addiction

 Who doesn't love the hot latin vibe as well as the physical benefits to this season's latest workout trend-ZUMBA? When I first started  going I expected to see a low budget theatre adaptation of the Lion King, only to find that within minutes my hips were no longer lying and I had transformed into a sexy Latina seductress! I have spoken to many Urban Women who have also become hooked on Zumba-they begin to buy monthly passes, going to multiple classes each day, and start their own Zumba studio in their basements teaching people who can't afford regular Zumba classes (even with the group-on rates!). Do not let this happen to you...

REMEDY

If you are committed to breaking off the chains of Zumba, I suggest that each time you go to da club over the next 6 months to only use your Zumba dance moves. It is most likely that you will become tired of the salsa step-touch and begin to get more creative with your moves again! 

URBAN WOMAN BLOG addiction

Keep it up girlfriends! The only remedy for this one is to keep on reading! Use Urban Woman as your homepage, print off flyers for your neighbours, and subscribe everyone you know! I totally trust my loyal readers to continue making Urban Woman the internet sensation that it is!

Live life addiction free!

Until next time,

Urban Woman

Summer Blunders

Hello Urban Women,

As you know choosing a name for a car, a pet, or even a child can be very difficult. That is why I wanted to post some of the hottest names of the year, before moving onto dealing with summer blunders.

Urban Women                                Urban Men
1. Jon Benet (RIP)                      1. Gareth
2. Janessa                              2. Bernard
3. Sondra                               3. Trey
4. Cassie                               4. Brandy
5. Yvette                               5. Cozumel
6. Sylvano                              6. Prince
7. Carnie                               7. Fonzie
8. Felise                               8. Tron
9. Amber                                9. Kobe
10.Candida                             10. D

You know the saying "When life throws you a lemon, make lemonade?" Well, I've never really understood it...so I say, "when life throws you a lemon, zest it and make yourself a cocktail!". Nevertheless, lemons aside, summer can be a really stressful time of year. I always find myself in moments of frustration when I realise that my self tanner has streaks, my leg foundation cannot be thick enough to cover my mosquito bites, and I've gained 8 oz due to all of the tube steaks I've been chowing down on! 

Dealing with Summer Blunders

1. Always keep your electric mosquito zapper full of batteries so while bathing on the beach (or in your garden oasis) so you can zap effortlessly. It is crucial to ensure you don't drop your zapper in the pool though. This ended poorly a few summers ago when I got electrocuted-I ended up having to spend a few months in drug rehab. But that's another story.

2. Instead of eating full fat bbq junk foods try something light and healthy like grilled cucumber, baked lays, or triscuits with low fat Kraft single cheese slices. Also, bring a bag of cute shaped ice cubes in your purse with you. These are a delicious crunchy snack during the off-meal-season.

3. Carry a parasol with you everywhere! Not only does this shade you from the harmful usb rays, but it also provides a bit of shade so no one will be able to see your self tan streaks. If they get really bad, a mixture of acetone and clorax dampens the colour. Parasols are a totally vintage accessory that will set you apart from regular suburban beach-goers.

4. To give yourself a boost after a long day in the sun, try weaving garland out of leaves, grasses, and flowers. You can place this whimsical touch on your head, around your waist or weave it through your armpits like a mini backpack. The fresh sensations will revitalize both your body and soul.

Hope you are enjoying the summer Urban Women.

Love and Peace,

Urban Woman

Urban Zodiac-Part 2

Hello Urban Women,


Before finishing off my astrological predictions I thought I would take a few lines to exclaim how proud I am that my blog has reached 500 views! Since we are talking about Zodiac and symbols I thought you should know that 500 is basically one of the best numbers and many wise old sages say that it symbolizes infinity...now that has got to make my competitors nervous! I think my blog has really changed the way people view the interwebs and urban life! Thanks for all your support girlfriends-keep reading!

CAPRICORN: December 22-January 19

Capricorns-this month is all about "capri" pants-sport these any chance you get, whether they be 3/4 or 7/8 you are going to go far if you are showing off your ankles and heels. The second part of your month should be focused on popcorn, corn on the cob, and corn dogs-eating these foods will give you the life energy that you need to land that new sales associate position at your fave strip mall!

AQUARIUS: January 20-February 19

While your birthday may not fall in the month of July, Aquarians, remember that this is your time to shine. Being the bearers of water and liquids remember to stay hydrated while you are having fun in the sun. Exchange your regular jello shooters for something more refreshing like kahlua mudslides, or baileys and cream. Also wet hair will look really great on you this month-squirt a bit of  olive oil mixed with water into your locks every few hours to keep it looking sexy and tousled.

PISCES: February 20-March 20

Pisces make sure you ride your unicorn to work this month! Basically pisces tend to be totally out-of-this world type of people and it will work for you this month. If you are looking for romance this month whip up a special concoction of cinnamon, cayenne pepper, and tree sap and rub it on those special "e" zones on your body-this will attract so many mates you won't know what to do! It may also attract honey bees which will follow you around and crawl on your skin-this also gives you a really ethereal quality that Urban Men will not be able to resist.

ARIES: March 21-April 20

Since your sign is the "Ram" it will be really important for you to keep your cuticles looking shiny and strong-you can achieve this by soaking your hands in a gelatin solution for 45 minutes each day this month. To reap all the benefits of being an Aries try something new and bold-like a hot air balloon ride, cliff jumping, or roll down some big hills. This will put you into your natural element and give you the boost you need to complete those projects you have been procrasting!

TAURUS: April 21-May 21

This month it will be in your best interest to keep documentation of all your communication-don't make any assumptions about people understanding your "LOL" intentions. It is probably a good idea to tap your phones, and put a webcam in your house to ensure that no one is trying to steal your identity. Or, to put a positive spin on this months communication concerns, dress up like your favourite celeb and sign autographs at your local mall!

GEMINI: May 22-June 21

You probably won't be surprised to find out that this month is all about the "twins" for you geminis! Make sure you pay close attention to your girls this month maybe adding some extra padding on those days you feel down. This month will present you with an extraordinary opportunity so be sure to take some risks: submit your portfolio to be a sunshine girl, create your own recipes and don't be afraid to put that extra bit of bronzer on the twins!

Hope you find your horoscope uplifting ladies!

Until next time,

Urban Woman

Urban Zodiac

Hello Urban Women,

July is the month of so many births...probably more than any other time of the year. Since Astrology is one of the mega trends of 2011 I thought I would take the time to write a few horoscopes. This is a really fun thing to do for birthdays-and you will be surprised at how easy it is to get in touch with your inner constellations!

CANCER: June 22 - July 22

Look out Birthday girls-after all, your sign is cancer. Make sure to load on the SPF this summer (there are some totally hot brands right now that come with sparkles in them and funky caribeaners that you can clip to your belt loops for easy access). To keep on the right path, make sure you eat tons of imitation crab meat and watch out for those STIs!

LEO: July 23 -August 21

Body hair maintenance is essential for all of you lions this month. Be sure to book yourself in for a full day at your favourite salon and get a full wax-don't forget those upper lips, side burns, and treasure trails ladies! Pay special attention to the moon's cycle this month-it will correspond very closely to ingrowns.

VIRGO: August 22-September 23

 This month be very careful when you are eating at bbqs. It is likely that condiments will not be on your side...to be certain that you won't have a fashion mishap carry your tide-to-go pen on your lanyard, and try to style your fashion around your favourite burger toppings-red for ketchup, yellow for mustard, and light yellow for margarine.

LIBRA: September 24-October 23

Call your friends libra, because they want to include you in their next Urban Adventure. Plan tons of wild outtings to the petting zoo, your favourite fashion outlets (did I hear anyone say Stitches Sidewalk Sale?), and finish off the day with some margaritas at Chillis! This month you will feel like a real VIP with your girls!

SCORPIO: October 24-November 22

It is likely that this month you will find your creative juices overflowing. Take some time out to journal, write poems, and so some graffiti on local realtor bench advertisements. Also, make sure to double check and recheck if you unplugged your hair straightener.

SAGITTARIUS: November 23- December 22

This month you will be tight on cash. Be sure to skrimp and save whenever you can. Grab that extra Bacardi Breezer from your girlfriend's fridge on your way out, swap some sale stickers at the grocery store, and return your new cocktail dress after the party is over.

Well ladies, my inner constellation is totally exhausted, so I will finish off the star signs soon.

I've attached a pic of one of my favourite artists. So mystical and astrological right! I have a mural of this one painted on my kitchen ceiling.

Until next time,

Urban Woman

Lunch and Learn

Hello Urban Women,

I wanted to share a really embarrassing personal experience with you all. Not only to save you from facing similar faux pas, but also to maintain my open and honest blogging policy. Afterall, it don't mean a thing, if you ain't got that swing...right?

So, I was out for lunch at a really posh chain restaurant the other day with a couple of my girlfriends and a few corporate sponsors. I looked fabulous because I just came from a spray tan appointment and was wearing my new plunging-v-neck velour onesie in a maroon hue to highlight the orangey tan. To impress my lunch mates I began talking about how soup du jour is my favourite, only to find out that soup du jour changes, like every week. It's not even a real flavour! I let that one slide and began eating my deep fried mushroom caps stuffed with imitation crab meat.

Shortly after, I excused myself to use the "ladies" to reapply my eyeliner and squirt a little bit more of my favourite fragrance behind my ears and into my cleavage (FYI Brittany Spears, Fantasy). After a few minutes of sitting there I realised that one of the chicken cutlets I had used to stuff my bra (remember how the right one is slightly fuller than the left?) had wormed its way into the middle of the plunging v-neckline. The perfume must have caused the cutlet to slide over... I could only imagine how the rubbery piece of vegan meat looked dangling out of my top. (Thank goodness I had already learned not to use real chicken cutlets after a horrifying situation involving a lot of flies and a salmonella scare.) Ladies, you must always keep cool and chic during these situations. Despite the horrifying circumstance, I handled myself perfectly. I grabbed the cutlet and exclaimed: "How did that get there?" I followed up with my cutest laugh and then launched right into my business proposition which is to start a new product line of tinned iceburg lettuce. It was as though nothing bad had ever happened.

I don't call myself the Urban Woman for nothing!

Until next time,

Urban Woman

This is what I'm talking about....gorgeous corsage is not included

Don't make the same mistake twice!